I gasped, yanked out of the heated moment with Alexsei.
It jarred me, pulling me back to reality.
And it was all it took for me to remember the uglier truth. No matter how good it felt to kiss him and how badly I wanted to be a good girl for him and feel worthy of his attention, I wasn’t normal. I didn’t know if I belonged in this real world, free to just kiss a handsome man.
It went against all that I’d been told.
In a cruel flash, shame and guilt mixed in sharply with worry and anxiety.
What am I thinking?
What am I doing?
The heat that had me so achy in my pussy and my nipples wasn’t right.
He’d breed me. He’d?—
I broke away with a harsh exhale, turning like a coward to escape to my room.
As overwhelmingly good as he’d made me feel, I couldn’t feel free enough to do as he’d suggested. To take what I wanted.
Because how could I even know what that was yet? How could I figure out how to be normal and real outside of the strict conditioning that messed me up for too long?
I would never be free of my past. Too damaged from the training I’d wanted to reject with all my heart, my heart that was now broken and conflicted after this taste of a sinful distraction of kissing Alexsei.
17
ALEXSEI
The next morning, I anticipated that Kalina might regress. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take such a chance and approach me, let alone take the initiative to seek me out and let me kiss her. Or to be so brave to kiss me, fully, on the lips in such a way that guaranteed I would be jerking off in the shower afterward.
She wasn’t a tease.
She just really didn’t know how to approach me. I wasn’t letting it get to my head. It wasn’t just me. I had a strong hunch she was completely clueless and ignorant of how to approach any trace of desire, of this attraction neither of us could deny or act oblivious to.
We were mutually aware of each other, and I had to give her credit where credit was due. I’d expected her to flinch when I kissed her cheek, that chaste press on her soft skin. But she hadn’t. She'd stayed and then gone for more. It seemed that all she’d needed to hear was my open offer for her to do whatevershe wanted. Perhaps talking about what she wanted was more intimidating.
Actions spoke perfectly clearly between us, though. And she’d shown me just how damn needy she was for this style of a distraction.
Fortunately, the “morning after” making out on the couch, Misha prevented it from being awkward. He wanted to play in the snow with her, so she did. I joined in when he invited me, but I was careful not to get too close to Kalina to overwhelm her.
Then later, he wanted her to bake cookies with him, and I let them have the kitchen to themselves.
Because of my son, there was no awkward silence, no dull moment where she might have glanced at me and blushed.
That night, though, she’d come back out of her bedroom and sat on the couch. No words were necessary. Alone like that, just the two of us in front of the fire while Misha was asleep in his room, it only took one heated look between us and we were back at it.
Kissing. Holding.
When she sucked on my tongue, I did my best not to growl and clutch her tighter.
When she crawled onto my lap, I tried so hard not to pull her hips down so she’d grind against me more forcefully.
A louder than usual snap in the fire was the sudden noise that startled her that time.
The next night, she came back out to kiss me, setting up this nightly routine of torture, of waiting all day to have this private adult time with her. She didn’t delay, getting onto my lap andholding on to my hair as we made out. Right when she lowered her fingers to slip them under the collar of my shirt, caressing my neck in such a way that I felt it down to my toes in a full-body zing, my phone fell off the edge of the couch and fell to the floor—a loud enough disruption that she broke away and left.
It was a constant torment, to be near her during the day but allocate the evenings to the forbidden attraction I probably shouldn’t pursue with her.
