That all I had to do was ask. To speak up and ask for help.
But that wasn’t all there was to it.
I had to convince myself that I was safe enough to say anything.
That I wouldn’t be punished for opening my mouth and potentially saying something that he might not like.
That I would be permitted to have an opinion or express a desire without being laughed at.
The risk of asking for anything was so far against what I had been trained that it was no minor thing for me to deal with. No mere action to complete.
The entire night after he caught me from slipping and falling onto the floor, I tossed and turned in bed. Sleep wasn’t coming, but for the first time, it wasn’t a nightmare of my past that plagued me. It wasn’t the memory of Yusef beating me or Erik belittling me that kept me up.
No. It was the curiosity of what Alexsei had so brazenly implied.
That Icouldtrust him. That he really would help me—not just in being there to prevent me from falling but with anything else I might need.
Can he really mean it?
The following night, I glanced at him as he sat in the chair, reading on his phone. Misha had been reading too, some kind of a graphic novel for kids. It wasn’t something he’d read out loud, due to the illustrations that went with it, and it seemed that after dinner and helping me with dishes, he wanted to read in his room instead of out here in the lounge for a change.
And that made my curiosity all that much more acute.
Alexsei and I weren’t alone.
Guards patrolled outside. Misha was in his room. But with it just me and this tall, strong man out here, it felt more private. Intimate?
I blushed, confused how just thinking about being alone with a man had me all twisted up. What shocked me more, and excited me, was that the thought of being near Alexsei no longer filled me with instant unease. Panic attacks seemed like a thing of the past.
No, instead, as I left the kitchen and started to pass by him to go to my room, I felt drawn to him. To stay. To be closer than the feet that distanced us.
“Night,” he called out after I walked by.
I nodded, wondering if I could lie in reply. “Good night.”
If tonight would be a repeat of the restlessness of last night, it wouldn’t begoodat all.
After I changed into my pajamas and got into bed, though, I knew it was a lost cause. There was no damn way I could relax. My heart raced each time I recalled the security of his strong arms catching me. I felt warm at the reminder of how hard his chest was, steady for me to lean against.
It wasn’t just the support he’d given me. It was the desire to explore and learn. To feelmoreof him. Pairing the layered touch of his chest with the memory of what he’d looked like shirtless, I was in a world of torment.
Stop, Kali. Stop.
I squeezed my eyes shut, as if limiting myself to the blackness behind my lids could erase all these illicit feelings sneaking through me, all these figments of attraction that were taking root in my mind.
Fear returned with my realization that I was attracted to him. It seemed too much like the first step toward a grave weakness I’d never be able to forgive myself for.
Men only wanted to breed women. Even Raisa had been bred.
As a slight throb intensified between my legs, making me aware of how I was getting turned on by these thoughts of Alexsei holding me, of how thrilling it was to glance at his lips and wonder if he’d kiss me, I knew I couldn’t risk anything of that nature.
I was done being controlled. I wanted to choose the life I’d live. I didn’t want to be shackled toanyman to be bred against my will! I would never be free if I was just used like that.
He’s not Yusef, though.
I opened my eyes and frowned at the ceiling.
He’s not like anything Erik has taught me to count on.
