I’d run outside and found the strange woman in Central Park. The homeless woman in the snow.Ihad been homeless for fourteen years, but she seemed to be a street dweller, free to roam the world as she pleased.
So that was where they found me. Lying on a bench in the cold.
He hadn’t said the words with judgment, though. He wasn’t criticizing me. Somehow, I got the weird impression that he was concerned about the fact that I had been so starved when I was found.
“She needs more time to eat. To rest,” he claimed.
I wouldn’t argue with that. I felt almost spoiled to have consistent food and the chance to sleep in a bed with real linens and a pillow under my head. Those were luxuries my brother forbade me from all this time.
Even though he spoke with kindness that seemed like concern, I couldn’t help but worry that his words meant he was trying to dictate my life. Thathewould determine what I needed. That they would decide for me.
When would it ever end?
When couldIlivemylife?
When could I be free?
Even now, away from my brother and Yusef, I was trapped in this numb defense mechanism, mute and shocked.
“I’m not sure how much longer the boss will be patient for her to snap out of this quiet spell,” Sadie said.
“Nothing good will come from any of us trying to question her before she’s ready to speak,” Alexsei said.
It sounded like he wanted to defend me, but I refused to trust it. I wasn’t able to trust anything, not even my mind when I was stuck in limbo like this.
“You see how she is,” he added. “This isn’t just fear she is trying to get through. Whatever happened to her when Erik and Yusef had her, it was worse than what you are probably imagining. She is stuck in a trauma response, and trying to push her past it won’t work.”
What the hell?
Is that… sympathy?
I shook my head, too scared to believe I wasn’t alone.
“I know, I know,” Sadie said, “but unless she is open to speaking with a therapist or?—”
“Sadie, stop.” Raisa entered the conversation. “A therapist? She’s not speaking to anyone and it would be a waste of a doctor’s time to pry at her mind when she’s hiding in whatever shell this is.” Her deep exhale followed loudly.
“I hate for her to suffer,” my cousin admitted.
Thatsounded like sympathy. And I viewed it as a trick.
“I hate to see her like this,” Raisa said.
“Then don’t,” Alexsei replied bluntly.
“What do you mean?” Sadie asked.
“We are already giving her space,” Raisa told him. “We’ve implemented a rule for no visitors to bother her. She has been alone in there for a week.”
“That’s true,” Alexsei said calmly. “But maybe the idea of forcing her to get used to so many people at once will trigger her to crawl deeper into her quietness. Think about it. She might not have seen anyone other than her brother all these years. Expecting her to instantly open up or talk to any of us when she’s likely overwhelmed is ridiculous.”
“Then what do we do?” Sadie asked. “What’s your idea?”
Alexsei didn’t hesitate to reply, as if he’d been thinking about it already. “I can take her to a safe place.”
My spine stiffened. All the muscles in my back tensed. He wanted to take me away. I would be relocated—again. Just when I was warming up to the illusion of security here, the warning that I could be moved chilled me. Yusef and Erik moved me often so no one would find me. So no one would find them, either, because I’d pieced together enough from their conversations that they were wanted by the law and others they deemed liars and cheats from gambling.
I didn’t want to be moved again. I wanted to be free to determine where I should go. Until I could heal past this shock, until I could understand how to process this trauma and live in the moment, I didn’t know how to speak up.
