Once he was sitting behind the wheel, Ivy cleared her throat.“I’m sorry about the ATV ride.I know you don’t like to be touched, and it would have been easier for you to send me with Ross.I just… I feel safe with you.”
He simply stared at her for a minute, trying to decipher what to say.“You think I wanted you to go with Ross?”
“Didn’t you?”She tilted her head as she eyed him across the bench of the truck.
A lie was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t be dishonest with her.“The last fucking thing I wanted was for you to go with Ross.”
She jerked back, eyes wide, before he caught a glimpse of relief on her face.Again, he cursed himself for being so standoffish.
“I wanted your arms around me, Ivy.Only me.The thought of you holding on to one of my men, and not me, was like a punch to the gut, which is exactly why I should have insisted you go with them.”
She turned her body, facing him more fully.“I was uncomfortable the entire time.”
He clenched the steering wheel until the joints in each finger ached.This woman had saved his life.Subjected herself to tremendous pain.And what had he done?Made her feel like a burden.He was vaguely aware of the crunch of gravel as his team drove out of the parking lot.
Ivy sighed and the corners of her lips tilted upwards.“But then I remembered the way I teased you last night and thought I deserved the payback.Although I’m pretty sure I had it worse being pressed up against you, along with the vibrations from the machine.I almost embarrassed myself several times.”
The atmosphere inside the truck shifted with her admission, sparking the air with an electrical charge.He stared at her, knowing his mouth was slack.She wasn’t trying to turn him on; she was simply being honest with him.It was refreshing not to have to guess what she was thinking.His heart pounded and the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stood up.“I considered pulling off the road and dragging you into my lap.The ride was fucking torture for me, too.”He looked away, clenching the steering wheel to keep from touching her.“I’m attracted to you, but it will never be more than that.I can’t touch you.I sure as hell can’t have you.”
“Why not?”Something in her voice made him turn and when he caught the heat simmering in her eyes he swelled inside his jeans.The air had thinned considerably, and he found it difficult to draw a breath.
“Because you make me feel,” he ground out.
She shook her head, searching his face.“I don’t understand.What do I make you feel?”
For a woman who was so expressive, so honest with her feelings, she would never understand his need for absolute control over his emotions.Over his environment.Or maybe she’d understand better than anyone given how well she accepted her brother’s need for sovereignty over his schedule.“Something.”
“Is that really such a bad thing?”
“When you have a past like mine, yeah, it’s bad.”He never spoke of what had happened in his childhood or shared so much about himself, but he found himself needing this woman to understand.“I’d destroy you, Ivy.All your sweetness and light, I’d smother with the desire to keep you safe.I’m afraid of the man that I’d become.Terrified I’d go insane caring for someone that I might lose.”
She took a moment to process his words.“Who else did you lose, Jude?”she asked softly.His throat constricted at her words, and he didn’t trust himself to speak.If she encouraged him to continue to share, he would’ve shut down, but she didn’t.She simply waited him out.
“You asked earlier if I had a brother.I did.”He spoke past the pain, making his voice sound forced and choked.“I also had a beautiful mother.She sang me to sleep at night.A dad who would shoot hoops with me in the driveway.I had everything a child could hope for and that was taken from me in the most brutal way possible.All three of them were murdered.I watched each of them bleed out.Listened to the panic in their voices.The confusion.I didn’t get a scratch because I was hiding.”
The sound of the seat belt latch being released was the last thing he heard before blood roared through his ears.One minute, Ivy was on the other side of the truck and the next she was straddling him, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, offering him both strength and comfort.She didn’t give him apologies or meaningless platitudes; she simply held him with the same force she had on the ATV and slowly rocked him from side to side.His eyes burned.Even as a child in the aftermath of what he’d experienced, he’d never been able to accept comfort.Why he was able to do so when it came from her was disconcerting.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, but he absorbed all the feelings of strength that she poured into him.When she finally leaned back, her cheeks were damp with tears.She’d cried for him, shared in his pain, and damn if it didn’t cleanse away some of the anguish poisoning his mind and body.She dropped her eyes to his lips, and he felt his body immediately tighten.She was so beautiful, face free of makeup and a little streak of dirt over her cheek.He wanted nothing more than to lean forward and meet her lips, but he wouldn’t.It would be the worst decision of his life.Despite all the pleasure Ivy would undoubtedly bring him, she’d also be his downfall.
“Ivy,” he warned gripping her hips, intending to keep her away.Instead, his actions betrayed him, and he wrenched her against him, sealing her body to his.Their breathing both increased as they stared into each other’s eyes.Ivy tilted her head, brushing her lips over his in a whisper of a touch.Slow.Soft.Reverent.With that one touch, he could feel the dam he’d built around his churning emotions start to crack.In her arms, he was suddenly reckless.His hands left her hips and moved up her back.He buried them in her tangled hair, sliding his tongue into her mouth.She opened for him easily, and he took and took.Tasting and demanding more as the kiss began to move out of control.His hands wandered over her back and sides, dipping below the hem of the jacket to the smooth curves beneath.She sucked in a quick breath, and he drew her even closer, so the result of his attraction was unmistakable.It wasn’t until the kiss turned frantic, both angling their head for deeper access, that clarity struck.He didn’t want to do this.Couldn’t do this.He shoved her back more roughly than he intended.
“I’m sorry.”His voice was hoarse and unrecognizable.“I can’t do this.Not with you.”
She searched his gaze, and he waited for the flare of anger or harsh words, but in her eyes, he found only understanding.She leaned forward and brushed his cheek with the pad of her thumb, then placed a kiss on his forehead before sliding off his lap.She returned to the passenger side of the truck and buckled the seat belt.Wordlessly, he began to drive.He glanced in his rearview mirror at the empty parking lot and had the unsettling thought that he was leaving any chance of peace he might have grabbed a hold of behind him.
Chapter Nine
Jude’s pain waspalpable, and her heart ached for the child who had lost everything and the man who wanted to feel nothing.His loss, his trauma, were profound.When he backed away from her in the parking lot, she understood that it came from a place of deep pain.Pushing him for more would only make him shut down, but the man sitting stonily behind the wheel of his truck needed love more than anyone she’d ever met in her life.Knowing the anguish he locked away while at the same time being the key to the survival of others made her respect for Jude soar.He was a good person who had suffered the unthinkable and she couldn’t deny that kissing him had been real, raw, and unforgettable.
They’d been driving for about twenty minutes when her stomach chose to loudly protest the restricted number of calories she’d consumed over the past twenty-four hours.
“Shit.”Jude growled and his hands blanched on the wheel as he gripped it tightly.
“It was only my stomach growling.”She laughed it off, but he struck her with a hard glare.
“No,” he said flipping on his directional and taking the next exit.“It wasn’t only a stomach growl.It was a reminder for me to get my head out of my ass and start doing a few things right, including feeding you.”
“Your friends gave me a protein bar in the parking lot.”She shrugged.“You didn’t have anything.”There was no way she was letting Jude feel guilty for anything—he had enough survivor’s guilt on his shoulders.There were so many questions racing through her mind.Had he received therapy as a child?How had he coped with such a staggering loss?
