“So do I.” She ducked under his arm until they were face-to-face. “What happened to me after Samuel died wasn’t your fault. I was lost, Dawson. In more ways than one. Nana Grace’s death crushed me, losing our child…it felt like a punishment. Like God had turned his back on me. My faith disappeared. I was angry and so heartbroken that I couldn’t see past my own grief. I felt alone.”
“You weren’t alone. I was there. Right there the whole time.”
“I couldn’t see that. I was angry with you for going back to work, for having dinners with your family. You found solace in church and with your friends. And…”
“And what?” His voice didn’t sound like his own. It was raw and barely above a whisper. “And what, Peyton? I didn’t love him? Didn’t feel the loss?”
“I didn’t say that?—”
“But it’s what you meant.” He turned away from her, his body heat rising. “I held it together. For you. Because you were shattered, and I couldn’t bear to add my grief to yours. So I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other. I went back to work so we could pay the bills. I spent time with my family because it was the only place I felt I could breathe. And I went to church to pray for strength, to be the man you needed in order to get through a loss no one should have to bear.”
The words were coming fast now, tumbling over themselves as if a cork had been popped on his feelings and he could no longer keep them in. “I thought once you were better, once you were past the worst of your grief, it would be my turn. That I could fall apart. Share my pain. But that never happened.” Dawson looked at her, the hurt and the betrayal pouring out ofhim. “Because you left. I needed you. Needed my wife, and you…just left.”
Tears spilled over her cheeks. Peyton let them fall unabated. “I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t stick around long enough to find out.”
She stiffened and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “That’s not fair. You’re right, I shouldn’t have left, but you should’ve told me what you were feeling. You keep it all inside, Dawson, and never come to me. I’ve always had to nudge and urge and poke until you finally open up.”
He couldn’t believe this. “So it’s my fault you left?”
“No, I take responsibility for my part, but a marriage takes two. I was shattered, you’re right. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to drag your feelings out of you the way I did before. You hid your grief so well, Dawson. I knew you were hurting. I knew you loved him. But…” She balled her hand into a fist and pounded her own chest. “I felt like someone had ripped out my heart. If I’d known you felt the same…”
He had. He had felt the same. “It would have changed things?”
“We’ll never know.” Peyton lowered her hand. “And it does neither of us any good to play what if. You said it before at the hospital. We both made mistakes. And I’m sorry, Dawson. Truly sorry.”
He felt the anger seep from him. “I’m sorry too. I should’ve spoken up when Nana Grace died. You were hurting, and I thought that time and love would help you move past that grief, but then we lost Samuel, and it all fell apart.”
Suddenly, all the anguish he’d swallowed down came rushing up. His body shook as tears filled his eyes. He sank down to the bale of hay and buried his face in his hands.
Peyton’s arms encircled him. Soft. Tender. Loving. He reached for her, pulling her into his lap.
And sobbed. Cried for his son. For the life they should’ve had. Dawson let it all out, in a way he’d never allowed himself to do. When it was over, he was spent. Peyton slid from his lap to the hay bale and rested her cheek on his shoulder. Her face was blotchy from crying too, her eyes swollen, but she held his hand in hers, not breaking the contact.
How long they stayed like that, Dawson couldn’t have said. The silence was comforting, the sweet scent of the hay and the drift of nighttime sounds soothing. His mind wandered. Through those days after Nana Grace died, after Samuel passed. How he’d been scared and worried, but never said so out loud.
He’d tried to protect her. And in doing so, he may very well have pushed her further away.
Dawson didn’t want to make the same mistake again. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. “I’m scared for you, Peyton. And for Grace. The Iron Serpents are dangerous, and whether or not Cade is behind this, we’ve kicked up a hornet's nest by challenging him.”
She sighed. “I know. You’re right. But it was also the only way to convince him to talk to us.” Peyton tilted her head to look up at him. “And you’re not the only one who’s worried and scared. Cade let you into the bar. He was playing with us. With you.”
“Okay, so where does that leave us? Worried and scared. What’s the point of talking about our feelings again?”
She laughed. Her smile was contagious, and he smiled too.
Peyton poked him in the stomach. “The point is so we both don’t feel alone in our worries. We have each other. And God.” She leaned against his shoulder again. “He’s watching over us, Dawson. And Lilia and Grace. Don’t forget that.”
She was right, of course, but it surprised him to hear her say it. Peyton had always been a believer, but fully trusting God…turning to Him in times of trouble…that hadn’t been something she used to do.
“I’ve been thinking about my conversation with Cade. Replaying it over and over again. I don’t think he knows where Lilia is.”
Dawson wasn’t so convinced. “He’s an expert liar. And a master manipulator.”
“I’m not suggesting he can be trusted. I believe he is Grace’s father. Or at least, thinks he is. That stupid trick he pulled with the glass showed his hand. But I think we need to consider that someone within the Iron Serpents is framing him in order to gain control.” Peyton frowned. “And I have the feeling there’s something we’re missing about all of this.”
“Like what?”
