"Put me down then, nigga! I'm right here! I'm right fucking here, Cortez! Put what I taught you to good use!" I shouted out loud, reliving the moment.
The anger drenching my words caved my chest in. I wanted to fucking die. I wanted Crown to keep his word and put me down, the same way I've done countless others, the way I did the three niggas whose names I didn't know.
"Fuck!" My heart thudded in my ribs. I dug my phone out of my pocket, blood smearing across the screen from my hands.
I quickly typed a message to the only person who still made sense in my world.
Me
I need you to say it.
After sending it, I curled over, hands digging into my knees. Every breath that tore out of me burned my lungs.
"You gotta breathe, nigga," I wheezed.
Without warning, tears stung my eyes. A few slipped just as my phone buzzed. I pushed up from my knees, staring at the screen as her name appeared. My eyes drifted past it, catching my broken reflection in the glass. What I saw was the versionof myself I buried six feet under. Today, he was clawing his way out.
"Wassup, beautiful?" I answered, my voice rougher than she was used to.
"I love you, Honor," she softly professed, calming the storm inside me.
"Fuck… Navy," I rasped, tearing the phone from my ear. When I brought it back, all I heard was Navy pouring into me.
"Love isn't supposed to be heavy, but for you it's always been heavier than necessary. It's always felt like something you couldn't have. A cookie you couldn't eat, a ladybug you couldn't catch. Because of that, you tricked yourself into believing you're undeserving of it, but you are deserving of love in every way we're meant to experience it."
Her words dug into me like roots being planted in the parts of me where beautiful things didn't grow.
"I know it's hard to believe, because until me, no one cared about being your safe place. But with me, Honor, you're allowed to be broken." Navy's voice poured out of the phone, sweeter than honey. "You're allowed to drop your armor and let the pieces you've buried come up for air. The world isn't yours to carry alone. I'll help you."
"How you gon' help me, Navy? We've been rocking since I was eleven and started dating when I turned sixteen. We've been in each other's lives longer than we haven't, and I still…" I let my frustration drift off. Talking about it wasn't gon' fix what was wrong with me. Mentally, I was fucked up, while emotionally, I was scarred.
"Look, I just wanted to hear your voice… hear you say what makes all this worthwhile."
"Don't do that, Honor. The parts of you that hurt in your beautiful mind don't have to hide… not with me. Just say you'll fight, and I'll be by your side, fighting blind."
"Stay with me," I rasped, voice raw.
"I'm here," she vowed.
Silence took over, but it was needed. Instead of furthering a conversation that had already died, we exchanged breaths, each one another handful of dirt being thrown on the graves of my demons. I pressed my back harder against the brick, letting the cool morning breeze bring me comfort how Navy's arms wrapped around me usually did. My hands still shook, but even that was starting to pass.
I needed Navy, and this was why.
It's the reason I need her to understand that another bitch can't knock her out of her spot. Nothing another woman can do for me compares to Navy's voice filling the spaces inside me that Lucian spent years convincing me were empty.
The anger. The guilt. The grief. The struggle to breathe whenever control slipped from my grasp… Navy loosened the hold of it all the second she whispered I love you. There wasn't another woman alive who could do the same.
"I love you, Navy."
"I love you too."
"No, I don't think you understand how deep this shit is for me. Navy, I?—"
Heaving a sigh, I turned around and let my head fall forward, forehead pressed against the bricks. I didn't know why saying what I wanted to say was so fucking hard. It was nothing for me to tell Navy that I loved her. That came easily, but doing so in a way that reassured her stumped the shit out of me.
"It's early, and you already had a stressful morning. Whatever you wanna say can wait until later. Maybe we can watch a movie and cuddle on the couch."
"It's your world, Navy. We can do whatever you want," I affirmed, my voice carrying more affection than I knew how to express.
