‘He was the one who suggested we should run – there was a risk Fitzwilliam would wake and come after Emma again. We disguised ourselves, hopped in a stagecoach, and then we had time to think. Emma wanted us to go away together, but I knew she would resent it after a time. She wouldn’t have coped without connection and having to work in a shop or on a farm. Ugh.’ Harriet let out a groan of frustration. ‘What a decision to have to make in minutes. We knew Monty would be only too happy to have her, despite what he knew, and I knew of Hugh’s inclinations before then. It was the perfect match.’
Thea felt her thoughts trying to catch up. ‘So where did Martha come in?’
‘She assumed we were running away to make a new life and came to dissuade us. She’d obviously been watching us for a while and now I understand why. She held up the coach like a proper highwaywoman with Mrs Jenkins in tow, shotgun and all. She knew that we wouldn’t have survived long as two ladies with no experience of work and she was absolutely right. We both have a lot to thank her for.’
‘With a shotgun?’ asked Thea, her mind slipping to inappropriate places.
‘And long boots,’ said Harriet.
Thea swallowed. ‘She was cautious,’ she said, trying to distract herself. ‘She had a bad experience with a girl she loved before me. The weight of it and the expectation became too much.’
‘I see,’ said Harriet thoughtfully. And then she lifted her head from where it lolled on the upholstery and looked Thea straight in the eye. ‘She looked more handsome than I have ever seen a woman look in her cloak and her boots and that dominating air and just got off a galloping horse. I cannot believe you did it with her, Thea.’
Thea snorted, but then imagined Martha done up as a highwaywoman, again. ‘Ugh,’ she now said, in a frustrated groan, and threw herself lower on the sofa, arms akimbo, just as Harriet had done. ‘It was incredible,’ she mumbled at the ceiling.
‘So, what happened?’ Harriet poked her foot. ‘Were you found out like me and Emma?’
Thea shook her head. ‘Not as such, but my family were in debt and Ursula–’ she trailed off and the joy she had felt in talking about Martha dissipated. ‘You understand.’
Harriet did. ‘And so, you married George?’
Thea nodded.
‘And Martha went travelling?’
Thea nodded again.
‘And isn’t yet back? After…’ Harriet counted on her fingers. ‘It must be four years?’
‘Five years, six months and fourteen days,’ said Thea certainly. ‘And…’ she hesitated. Saying it out loud would make it real. ‘She has been back. I found out last month, but she didn’t tell me.’ She sagged backwards into the sofa.
‘Do you know why?’
Thea shook her head, mussing her hair on the upholstery. ‘It might help if I did. I assume she has a more exciting life now, or that she’s disappointed in how I’ve failed at everything, or that,’ she swallowed, as she didn’t even like to think of it. ‘That she has someone else. We were writing, and it was my greatest joy and tiding me over everything difficult, and then the letters just stopped.’
‘And you know for sure that she’s been back?’
Thea nodded, mussing her hair further. ‘The Dowager Hartford saw her. Then I went to her house last month and Mrs Jenkins practically told me to buck up and move on. She’s given me up.’
‘That doesn’t sound like her,’ said Harriet. ‘Even before,’ she wiggled her finger in the air, ‘the thing happened with you, it was clear you adored one another.’
‘I thought we did,’ said Thea, sinking further. ‘I really thought we were strong enough for her to explore the world and me to do what I had to do, and then to come back together. She once told me not to choose a man who diminished me, and look at me.’ She waved a hand up and down herself. ‘Every time there is a chink of hope, it gets squashed. Diminished. I can’t grow and have no scholarly contacts who respect me. Martha is disappointed in me, and I don’t blame her one bit.’
‘Not diminished,’ said Harriet firmly. ‘You are restricted but ready.’
Thea snorted. ‘Ready to trail around after my husband for the next forty years.’
Harriet leaned up on her elbow. ‘This is why you have been so in dudgeon.’ Thea nodded. ‘And is why you couldn’t enjoy kissing the gardener?’
Thea nodded again. ‘And to make it worse I had resolved to deal with it by rekindling my curiosity for growing. When we went to Herbert’s three weeks ago, I was going to ask Frankie tocome and be my gardener, and now I don’t even have that. Elton is so bloody useless, and Frankie is absolutely unaccounted for. I have tried every garden in the city I can think of, but she is nowhere. And all because someone saw her kissing me.’
‘But didn’t know it was you?’ asked Harriet.
‘Exactly,’ said Thea. ‘At least I hope not. I was the one who gave her a lift home, and someone saw, but nothing has come to the house implicating me thank goodness. We were both dressed as men, so they must’ve assumed she was up to something fishy with one of the lecture-goers.’
‘It’s complicated, being different, isn’t it,’ said Harriet, a deep furrow in her brow.
‘It’s complicated being a woman,’ said Thea. ‘And we are half of all people. Being a different woman is an absolute fiend of a job.’
