‘I don’t know, Thea.’ Her father slid his arm around her and squeezed her shoulders. ‘But I am sure she has a good reason. Martha always does.’
‘Maybe,’ was all she could sniff. ‘Do you think…’ she didn’t want to voice all her concerns, but she could voice one. ‘Do you think she heard that I couldn’t grow any of her plants and was disappointed in me? I did promise her, and I broke that promise.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ her father said kindly. She sat up and looked at him.
‘I’m serious. I promised her this marriage would provide a setup in which I could order and grow everything she sent back. And I have failed. Maybe she knows, and that’s why she’s stopped sending me seeds too.’
‘She has?’ asked her father.
‘Yes.’ She wiped her nose on her sleeve, no longer caring.
‘Why do you think you are struggling, Thea?’ Mr Morell asked, stroking her shoulder.
‘Because I’m a terrible grower,’ she said. ‘You always managed it, and I thought I would be able to too, and I can’t.’
‘Who managed it?’ he asked.
‘You. Well,’ she qualified, ‘you and Scip.’
‘Exactly,’ he said. ‘You can’t do it by yourself when you split your time between the country and town. You need a reliable gardener.’
‘Well, I don’t have that,’ said Thea. She wished she had one like Frankie. She had found more excuses to visit the physic garden and each time they met, their conversation was a tonic to Thea. Varied and stimulating. And she sometimes got a peek at Frankie’s forearms, which had lost none of their charm. She thought of inviting her to work at Hawkdean but didn’t dare ask for fear of being rejected.
‘You could find one?’
‘It’s very hard,’ she said, any fight lost.
‘But not impossible,’ her father said.
‘It feels it,’ she said. ‘What am I doing it for, if everybody dismisses me? What can I offer to a skilled gardener?’ The thought of Martha had kept her going until now, but without her, and the prospect that she might return to see the fruits of Thea’s endeavours, it felt suddenly pointless.
‘Thea.’ Her father shifted away from her, turning to look at her and taking her hands in his. ‘I know this is difficult. Day to day with someone you struggle to respect.’ He ended it there but held her gaze. She understood his meaning and nodded. ‘People, including your mother, were disappointed in me for not taking court or entering politics, but it wasn’t for me.’
‘I know,’ she said, managing a weak smile. She loved that he had followed his own path, even if it made her mother furious. But being a husband disappointing a wife was very different tobeing a wife disappointing a husband. However enlightened her father was, she couldn’t expect him to understand.
‘Collections and plants have given me a purpose, Thea, and I will be eternally grateful for that. Not just for the knowledge they generate, but for the people they bring into your life. To be able to indulge my passion with Martha and Edgar, even Grimston – and later you and Ursula – it was one of the greatest gifts of my life.’
‘But you and Ursula are so far away,’ she said. ‘I only really have Harriet here, and she tries, but astronomy is her thing, not natural philosophy or plants.’
‘You should come to Milford more,’ said her father. ‘It will provide you some respite.’ Thea paused, knowing this was in George’s gift to allow her, and not hers to decide. She saw her father sag a bit as he sat, and realised. ‘I will speak to him,’ he said. ‘And suggest that you can come.’
Thea smiled, took his arm and leant into his shoulder, feeling all the reassurance she used to enjoy from the main man in her life.
‘Not tonight,’ she said quietly. ‘Maybe when he has taken less wine.’
Her father slipped an arm around her. ‘Of course,’ he said, and then paused. ‘Are you alright?’ he whispered into her hair.
She only nodded. She wasn’t alright, but she wouldn’t tell him that.
‘You will find other people to share with,’ he said. ‘People who inspire you and challenge you. They are so important to your life.’
‘Maybe,’ she said, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to anymore.
‘Hey,’ he said, pulling her against him with an arm around her shoulders. ‘You are tenacious.’
She closed her eyes. ‘I was,’ she said quietly.
Chapter 8
