Eventually, I gave up trying.
I asked for deactivation at least a dozen times. The director himself told me decommissioning is out of the question, especially since I won’t explain why I want it. After two weeks, another steel seraph needed the Quiet Room, but I refused to budge. He had to go to another MSA branch.
I became an obstacle. I don’t care.
In sentry mode, my mind goes in circles. I dream, or this must be what dreaming feels like for humans. The memories play likerecordings, over and over, until I know every detail by heart. These are the images that refuse to be purged, the moments with Jessa that my artificial heart won’t release.
I see her sitting on the edge of the bed in the medieval bedroom, legs spread wide, fingers working between her thighs. She never took her eyes off me while she touched herself. Her hand moved faster when I removed the steel plate and she saw my cock for the first time. She said it was gorgeous, perfect, orgasming just from the sight of it. I watched her juices drip onto her fingers and told her I’d taste her if I could.
She made me kneel in front of her. She smeared her wet fingers across my face, then pulled my head between her legs. I told her I was sorry that I wasn’t adequate and didn’t have a tongue to pleasure her with. She said I was more than adequate, that I was exactly what she needed, then positioned my head at the perfect angle so she could grind her pussy against my face and come again all over me. I tasted her even though I shouldn’t have been able to taste.
I see her sinking down on my cock. She took me slowly, saying I was too big. Her face showed pain mixed with pleasure, and I didn’t understand how pain could be good. She said that pain could be delicious. My sensors tracked everything – every ridge inside her, her heartbeat through her walls, the pressure changes and muscle contractions.
I see the moment I came inside her. She was on her hands and knees, I was behind her, and she begged me to fill her. The release after thirty years of never touching myself was another thing that broke me. Because after that, I wanted to feel it again, but only with her.
These memories play in an endless loop. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want them purged. I want to remember everything until the moment of deactivation. Maybe that’s whyconfession and purging don’t work. Subconsciously, I don’t want it to work. I’m holding onto Jessa the only way I can.
I suppose I’ve developed a new human trait. Stubbornness. I won’t give up until I get what I want, won’t leave this room, and won’t interact with anyone except Brother Tolliver, who comes once a day to check on me. He tried to reassure me during the first few weeks, saying all that matters is that I confessed, and even if the purge didn’t work, I did my best and that’s enough.
I’ll just wait in sentry mode until the MSA management decides it’s easier to decommission me. A battle of wills. I have nothing but time.
The door to the Quiet Room opens. I’m barely aware of someone stepping inside. It must be Brother Tolliver, as usual. A few minutes pass, then I feel a hand on my chest. My temperature rises a bit, but I don’t react. It could be Yasmin. She visits a few times a week and tries to talk to me. But Yasmin has never touched me like this, never placed her palm over my Aether Core.
“Castien, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I never thought you would...”
I recognize Jessa’s voice. I power up for the first time in weeks, my systems coming online within seconds. I look down at her.
“You’re here.”
“I am. I should’ve come sooner. I should’ve reached out to you.”
She smiles up at me, and I can see that her eyes are wet. I reach out and brush her cheek with my fingers. She leans into my touch, and my alchemical heart thrums for her.
Her hair is pulled back in a chignon that makes her look more mature and serious, but she’s still my Jessa, still the woman who corrupted me and made me want things I was never supposed to want.
“Why did you come?” I ask.
“Yasmin called. She told me everything. Why do you want to be deactivated?”
I look around the room and determine we’re alone. It’s safe to tell her the truth.
“I made the decision when we were still in the caves.”
“When exactly?”
“Right when I decided to give into temptation and have sex with you.”
She stares at me and shakes her head.
“You should’ve told me. You should’ve said no when I propositioned you.”
“I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to say yes. So, I did. But it still went against my commandments. The only way I could have you was if I decided to get decommissioned later.”
“But you tried to confess?”
“Many times. The software that’s supposed to do the purge doesn’t work on the sins I committed. There’s no way I can live anymore. I must be put to sleep.”
“No… That won’t happen. I won’t let you throw your life away.”
