They wanted me to give up.
And I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
That’s what this is really about. It’s not about the money, even though the money will change everything. It’s not about the house, or the practice, or paying off debt. These are just byproducts.
It’s about proving that I was right to refuse to shrink. Right to keep reaching, to believe I could do something that everyone else said was impossible.
I look up at Castien again and bite my lip.
“I think I know what the answer is. But just in case, be ready to catch me.”
He nods.
I turn back to the altar. My fingers dig into the material of my pants as I stare at the flickering candles.
“I seek the fortune so I can prove to myself and to those who have doubted me that I am worth something.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the floor to drop out from under me.
Nothing happens.
I exhale harshly, and my whole body starts shaking. I really thought I’d gotten it wrong.
Castien’s hand settles on my shoulder. He squeezes gently.
“You did good.”
He’s trying to soothe me, and it works. The trembling subsides a little.
“Yes, you’re right. Okay. I can do this.”
I take a breath and force my shoulders to relax.
The quill lifts into the air again. It dips into the ink pot and starts writing the second question, and I watch the words appear on the parchment.
What do you fear about yourself?
“Oh, come on,” I groan.
This one is way harder than the first. It cuts straight to the bone.
Castien removes his hand from my shoulder, and I immediately miss the contact. I look up at him, but of course he’s unreadable.
“To answer a question like this, it takes years of therapy,” I say. “And not even then...” I rub my face with both hands. “Fuck. Castien, I think this is it.”
“I believe in you,” he says. “Take your time.”
I thread my fingers through my hair and pull slightly, using the pain to focus.
“What do I fear about myself?”
I adjust my position again. My back is starting to ache, but I can do this. I haven’t studied psychology for nothing. I know how to dig into the human psyche and find the shadows hiding there.
Except therapists are shit at applying what they know to themselves. That’s why we have our own therapists. We can see everyone else’s problems, but when it comes to our own fears and weaknesses, we’re just as blind as anyone else.
Still, I have to try.
I start with the basics. What do I fear about myself? I need to work from external fears inward. That’s the methodology. Start with the surface and work down to the core.
