In eleventh grade, I was dragged to a party by my sister. One I’ve regretted going to every day since.
I guess being a cheerleader meant that you were god's gift to the world. At least that's what Tracy Kelly thought when she threw herself at me, and I did nothing. Didn’t want to kiss her, didn’t want to touch her tits even though they were in my face.
She told me nerds were her kink, and she wanted to ride me like a pony, and I rejected her.
She was offended and said there's no way I’d not want her. She even tried to touch my dick to see if it was hard. She insisted it had to be, like there was no way I wouldn’t react to her.
When I very much wasn’t, and pushed her hand away, she slapped me across the face and called me a homophobic slur.
I left the party in tears and with a sore face. That incident led me down a deep rabbit hole when I realized I've never, not once, found another man or woman sexually attractive.
I’ve always thought it was because I just hadn’t met the right person, or didn't have the opportunities to.
The older I got, the more I started to think I was broken. That there was something really wrong with me. That I was a freak.
I might have been at my lowest point when I spent the rest of that night online trying to figure out what was wrong with me. When I found the answers I was looking for, I found an amazing community of support.
For the first time in my life, I had friends. People who understood me and who didn’t judge me, or make fun of me.
Sadly, none of them live anywhere near me, so my real life continues to be a lonely one.
Something Nina would never understand.
It’s why I haven’t said anything to her or my mom, no matter how close we are. Mom is set on finding me a good woman, getting married someday, and having kids, too. She’s positive it will all happen once I’m out of school and have time to date.
I don’t have it in me to tell her it’s not going to happen. Not ever.
“Blake.” My sister’s voice is softer now as she takes a step into my room, snapping me out of my own head. “Are you okay? I lost you there for a moment.”
“I’m fine.” I lick my lips. “Just tired.”
“Okay. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
“Thanks.” I smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes.
Nina leaves me for a while.
By the time I’m done showering and playing a few rounds of COD, Mom is calling us down for supper.
One of the best things about going to school in Silver Valley is that I get to live at home and be in my comfort space. I hate change. I like routine, and this is my safe place.
When I get downstairs, Mom and Nina are already at the table eating. A plate sits at the head of the table, made up for me.
“Thanks.” I pull the chair out and sit down.
Mom’s kind smile is on me. She’s still dressed in her scrubs. “How was school?”
“Good,” I lie.
Okay, so it’s not a lie. School was great, it always is. It’s what happened outside of class that sucked.
“How was your day?” I ask her.
“It was actually pretty good. A rare kind of day. We sure as hell can’t complain. Remember Mr. Henderson?”
“The older gentleman who was in for a hip replacement?”
“Yeah, him. His kids came in from out of town. You should have seen his face light up, like he was given the moon. It made my day a whole lot better. That poor guy seemed so lonely.”
