“You sound surprised,” Remy said.
Setting the tray down, Carson joined his mate on the sofa. “I guess so, but I shouldn’t be. Being triplets, Cody,Colton and I were together most all the time…and if there was a major decision, we all had to be in agreement. I remember when Jackson told us he was an Alpha/Omega hybrid…by the way, you should know I’m ashamed of my initial reaction…but when Cody and Colton used our triplet link to tell me what they thought, I didn’t agree with them at first, but I finally came around and we gave him our support.”
“What was your first reaction?” asked Remy.
Ducking his head, Carson murmured, “I said he wasn’t fit to be the Alpha anymore.”
“Why not? Because he was a hybrid?” asked Remy.
“Yes…I believed only a pure Alpha could lead a pack. What can I say? I was wrong. Jackson is an amazing Alpha.”
“A pure Alpha…why?” asked Remy.
“I could lay the blame at my father’s feet and, to some degree that would be true, but more than that, it ultimately comes down to the choices I made.”
“Because of your shyness?” asked Remy.
“Yes and no,” Carson said. “When I was very young, my shyness was chalked up to my age and no one paid much attention to it. To me, it was normal, but when I grew older, I realized it wasn’t normal…I wasn’t normal. Every time a stranger showed up, it would happen. This was more than me just being shy, it was a full-blown panic attack and it always made me feel like…”
“Something was wrong with you,” Remy said, quietly.
“Exactly…how did you know?” asked Carson.
“It’s how I’ve felt my whole life,” Remy replied.
“Nothing’s wrong with you,” growled Carson.
“Ditto for you, Carsy,” Remy said softly. “Go ahead, tell me more.”
“Cody and Colton realized I hadn’t outgrown it so they covered for me. Being identical triplets, it was easy. My father never paid much attention to me…I was the fifth child and, while I was an alpha, he knew I’d never lead his pack, so what he thought about me never mattered because I had my brothers.
“Then everything changed. I ended up spending most of my youth hiding from my father after he beat me bloody for, as he put it, being disrespectful to a visiting Alpha.” Looking up at his mate, Carson whispered, “He didn’t know about my shyness because when we had visitors, Cody or Colton would pretend to be me when my father called my name. When I was about eight, Cody and Colton were up in our room while I was in the front yard playing with Zane. No one knew someone was coming…so when a strange Alpha drove up, my father told us to come over and introduce ourselves.”
Grasping Remy’s outstretched hand, Carson inhaled, trying to get hold of himself. “You can guess what happened. I froze. I couldn’t utter a word. My father was furious. After the Alpha left, my father dragged me into the shed, tied me down, and caned me, cursing that he was going to make sure I’d remember to be respectful to his guests. When Zane heard my screams, he ran to Cody, crying hysterically, and by the time he was calm enough to tell him what was happening, it was too late. I’d passed out…my back and butt were a mass of bloody welts. From then on, I stayed as far away from my father as possible.”
Pausing, Carson’s thoughts went to Cody and Colton’s reactions when, after he’d come to, they saw his wounds. Crying, they carried him to their room, placing himstomach-down on his bed. Cody, tears still falling, held him while running his fingers through Carson’s hair, trying to comfort him. He didn’t remember much after that because he passed out again when Colton began putting a salve on the marks left by the cane. From that point on, by an unspoken agreement, one of them was always with him.
“The pain was so intense, I couldn’t shift for several days. Mom was gone, helping her parents, so Colton nursed me back to health while Cody snuck out to the shed, removing every cane, whip, and paddle out there, carrying them into the woods and hiding them. When I finally recovered, fear of my father was part of my psyche and it only grew worse, along with my shyness attacks as I got older. I became very adept at fading into the background and I ended up being socially awkward…afraid of what to say or how to talk to people.”
“So, you were the strong, silent, sexy hulk,” Remy said, grinning.
“Well, I was silent, that’s for sure. Trust me, no one ever described me as sexy,” Carson said, pausing a moment, before continuing. “Anyway, by the time I was twelve, I knew I was gay but I hid it from Cody and Colton…from everyone, because I was afraid of what might happen. You see, when my father found out Logan and Jackson were gay…” Carson stopped, remembering the violent abuse his older brothers suffered at their father’s hands. “Suffice to say, our father didn’t take it well. I knew I wasn’t as strong as Jackson or Logan…shit, Remy, the stuff my father did to them, I still have nightmares about it. I don’t know how they survived, but somehow, they did.
“I never wanted him to find out I was gay. Instead, I decided the best way to keep my secret was to show him I was a ‘straight’ Alpha, someone he could be proud of, unlike Jackson and Logan. I absorbed every lesson my father always tried to teach Jackson—it was the only choice I thought I had because I knew I’d never survive another beating.
“And it worked for a while, but then, one day, Cody and Colton told me they were gay, and they knew I was, too. At first, I denied it, insisting they were wrong…Iwasn’tgay and neither were they…they were just confused…wanting to be like Jackson and Logan…anything I could think of. When I finished with my tirade, I collapsed on the floor, overwhelmed by fear my father would find out.
“Cody and Colton never said a word…they simply picked me up, undressed me and put me to bed. Then they climbed in, one on either side of me, holding me, assuring me everything would be all right, until I fell asleep. The next morning, Cody asked Dakota to pack a lunch and when I woke up, they told me we were going on a picnic. Cody led us through the forest to a place we used to go to when we were younger…we called it our fort…but it was just a shallow cave hidden by some fallen trees.
“We spent the day there and finally Cody brought up the subject again, only this time, he told me it was all right if I wanted to keep my gayness a secret, but wanted me to understand why he and Colton couldn’t hide theirs anymore.After he explained his reasons, I got up and went for a walk…to have space and time to think about what he said. When I returned, I admitted I was gay and agreed to come out with them.”
“What did your father do?” Remy asked, softly.
Snorting, Carson said, “Nothing…at least to us, but he beat up Jackson badly. The next day my mother piled us into our grandparent’s car to spend the rest of the school year there. When we finally came home, my father never lifted his hand to any of us again; he’d been warned if he did, my grandfather would take over our pack.” Sighing, he thought about the pain and suffering his father inflicted on Jackson—and of the shame he now felt about his first reaction to his Alpha’s announcement. “And then I had my dream,” Carson said.
“A dream?” asked Remy. “About what?”
“My shyness attacks never happened around strange kids…it was weird…when I met new kids younger than me, I was a totally different person, not someone with a defect. So, when my younger siblings were born, it felt like the best present ever. They understood me in a way no one else did…except for Cody and Colton…who didn’t count since they were always covering for me. But my younger siblings treated me normally, if that makes sense.”
