My fingers shook as I cut into the cucumber I was slicing.
“Are you all set up?” I heard Cash ask.
“Yeah,” Daisy responded. “I told Ronan I should be back to full speed tomorrow.”
I only half-listened to their easy conversation.
God, they fit together so perfectly. I loved the way Daisy made Cash laugh and I loved how relaxed she was around him. I normally loved to listen to their banter, but it was hard to focus on anything as the noise in my head got louder.
“Please, Sage, I can’t take it anymore. You have to make it stop. You promised.”
I shook my head, but couldn’t find the words to tell her I didn’t know how to stop it. I knew what she wanted… I knew the promise she was begging me to keep.
“No, I’ll find another way, Mouse,” I whispered. “I’ll figure it out and I’ll make them stop. I’ll get us out of here.”
She began to cry and then she turned her back on me and curled into a ball. I heard the footsteps coming down the hall. She did too, because her sobs grew louder. I covered her mouth with my hand to stifle her cries, because it would only make things worse.
God, they were so close. Maybe they’d stop at one of the other doors. Shame curled through me even as I wished for that to happen. I needed more time. I had to prove to Mouse that I still had a plan – that I could still make it work. That I could still save her. She just had to hang on a little while longer.
But I knew the footsteps wouldn’t stop.
It was our turn.
We’d already been prepared. That only ever happened when it was our turn.
Mouse turned over and pressed against me. I released her mouth and held on tight.
“Please, Sage!” she cried. “Please do this for me!”
“No,” I hissed.
She began screaming and I quickly covered her mouth again.
“They’ll punish you!” I snapped at her. “Is that what you want?”
She didn’t stop screaming. Every muffled cry against my palm cut into me like a knife. I bled and bled, but there was no relief. Not while her frantic eyes held mine, her plea louder than any scream she could have made.
And I knew in that moment that I couldn’t save her. I’d been making her that promise for months, even a year, maybe… I didn’t really know, since I’d lost all sense of time. I was as powerless now as I’d been the first time I’d been forced to kneel next to her on the steps leading up to the small alter.
“I can’t stop it,” I whispered to her as something inside of me ripped wide open.
She stopped struggling beneath my palm, but I didn’t move my hand and she didn’t try to make me. She looked at me with something akin to relief and just like that, the tears stopped. The footsteps stopped outside our door and the familiar chanting began.
“Mouse,” I whispered as I shook my head.
She nodded and I felt her say something against my palm.
I love you, Sage.
I didn’t try to stop the tears as I leaned down to whisper that I loved her too. Then I told her I was sorry.
And I shifted my hand to cover her nose in addition to her mouth.
I wanted her to close her eyes, but she wouldn’t, so neither did I. She tried not to fight me, but her body’s instincts to survive kicked in and she grabbed hold of my wrist as her body began to thrash as it realized there was no more oxygen coming its way.
It was then that I realized why she’d kept her eyes open. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have seen it.
The resolve.
