“This,” he whispered as he drew in a deep breath. “I don’t do this.”
I knew what he was talking about and was actually surprised he’d had the guts to bring it up.
“I don’t let guys put their hand on my throat and like it so damn much that I think I must be going crazy,” he murmured. “I don’t let them pin me against walls and wish for more. I don’t let them tell me what to do or that I’m leaving with them or to only talk to them while I’m giving a speech.”
“Are you ashamed of it?” I asked as I lifted my free hand andbegan skimming my fingers from his jawline, down his throat, to his collarbone.
“I don’t even know whatitis,” he whispered, his voice strangled.
And that was the crux of it. I’d already guessed as much, but Elliot was the kind of guy who planned for everything. For all I knew, he was a complete and utter control freak.
Which wasn’t a bad thing, since it was an attribute that would serve someone like him well in his professional life. After all, he’d taken over the reins of a hugely successful business at a very young age and he’d taken it a step further and started an organization that would benefit others. An organization that I highly suspected was a tribute to his late father.
“It’s okay to let go sometimes, Elliot. To let someone else shoulder the burden,” I said softly. “Whether it’s for a few minutes, a few hours, or even a lifetime – it doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t mean you failed.”
“You’re not someone,” he returned. “I don’t know you. The things I let you do back there,” – his eyes shifted back in the direction of the hotel – “the things I still want to let you do to me… it’s wrong. It’s not who I am.”
I ignored my body’s response to his comment about the things he wanted me to do to him and pulled back just enough to give him some breathing room, since I wanted to make sure he really heard what I had to say.
“First off, giving control over to someone else isn’t wrong if it’s something you choose to do… if it’s something you need. If it’s something the person you’re giving it to respects and honors. It takes more strength to give control than to keep it. And I don’t pretend to understand what this thing is between us, but you giving me that kind of gift – that trust – hell yeah, I’m taking it. Every. Single. Time. And not because I’m some Neanderthal caveman who has to dominate his guy, but because I know just how hard it was for you to do it. And how badly you needed to do it.”
I saw Elliot’s eyes widen when I indirectly referred to him as my guy, but managed to ignore the need to show him that that was exactly what I was coming to think of him as.
Because it wasn’t possible.
Not in the short time we’d spent together.
And more importantly, because I was a fucking fraud. Even if what had gone down in that alcove had had nothing to do with my job, it wouldn’t matter to Elliot if he discovered the truth.
God, I’d really fucked this up.
And I was going to keep fucking it up because even after all of that, I still couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t take the step back that I needed to in order to keep some distance between us, both literal and metaphorical.
“As for the not knowing me part, we’re about to fix that. Because believe it or not, right now, as badly as I want to fuck you until neither of us can move, I want the answer to a question more.”
“What… what question?”
I leaned forward until my lips were by his ear. Predictably, his breathing spiked at the close contact. “Who are you, Elliot Wittier, and what do I have to do to keep you?” I pulled back and said, “If that’s something you don’t want to answer, then tell me now—”
“I do,” he cut in. “I have no idea why, but I do.”
It was ridiculous how relieved I felt. “Good,” I murmured. “Now, let’s deal with the last thing that’s going to keep you from relaxing.” My eyes automatically fell to his mouth as I said, “I’m not going to kiss you tonight.”
I swore I heard a little whimper bubble up from his throat, but I couldn’t be sure.
“Cruz—” he began, but I put my finger over his lips to silence him, because I knew what he was going to say.
“No,” I said firmly. “We’re not just going to get it over with.” I let my finger test the softness of his bottom lip. “When I taste you for the first time, it’s…” I shook my head. “Not fucking rushing it,” I finally ground out, because even now, I was fighting the need to lean in and seal my mouth over his.
Instead, I reached down to grab his hand. “Let’s go.”
I didn’t give him a chance to say no, because I knew he didn’t want that. And I knew that wouldn’t have been his answer, anyway. He was noticeably more relaxed as we made our way down thesidewalk, which pleased me to no end. But my own tension was through the roof when I spotted the familiar figure on the other side of the street. Even in the darkness, I knew what I’d see in those eyes. I knew what question would fall from the lips pulled into a stern frown.
What the hell are you doing, Cruz?
It was a good question. A damn good one.
One I didn’t have an answer for and doubted I would anytime soon.
