“The ring,” he whispered. “He was going through Pop’s stuff trying to pick out a suit for him to be buried in and he found it in the pocket of the jacket Pop was planning to wear the following weekend when they celebrated their anniversary. It was inscribed with the wordsNo more waiting.”
Elliot’s voice thickened as he pulled one hand free of mine and wiped at his eyes. “He was tired of waiting for the world to catch up.”
I nodded because, for once, I was having trouble coming up with the right words to say. My own throat was tight with emotion.
“My dad put the ring on and hasn’t taken it off since.” Elliot took a moment to gather his emotions and then said, “Pop wasshot while responding to a home invasion. He had the suspects pinned down, but he was running out of ammo. His backup never showed, even though he called in several times saying he needed help. Even after he got hit with the first bullet, those,” – Elliot’s eyes filled with tears and his expression twisted into one of helpless rage – “those fucking assholes wouldn’t come!” He wiped angrily at his face. “Dad used to tell me how much Pop loved his job, despite all the homophobic pricks who wanted him off the force. He just wanted to protect people, to have their backs. Even when no one had his.”
Elliot managed to calm down enough to say, “He didn’t even have a partner because the asshole he’d been mentoring was too much of a fucking coward to stand up to the blue wall.” Elliot shook his head angrily. “You want to know the worst part? That cop… my father’s partner” – he sneered that last word – “is a fucking hypocrite! He’s gay. Yeah. He’s in a relationship with two guys and has two kids. And he’s the captain of the same precinct that let my father die.”
The venom directed at Declan Barretti didn’t surprise me in the least, and part of me even felt some rage on Elliot’s behalf. But I also knew how young and scared Declan must have been back then. I’d done enough research on the man to know that it had just been him watching out for his younger sister who’d been dealing with her first bout of leukemia at the time. I’d been about Declan’s age when I’d finally found the courage to come out to my own parents, and it hadn’t been a good experience. Luckily, I’d had Matias to lean on.
Declan hadn’t had anyone, from what I could tell.
But I wasn’t here to defend Declan, and I knew the cop wasn’t expecting me to take up his cause. He’d already accepted his failure when it had come to Mac, Sam, and Elliot. There likely wasn’t any coming back from that.
Elliot had managed to settle down. “Thank you for telling me that,” I said as I continued to soothe him with my touch. It seemed to work because he eventually smiled and instead of releasing my hands again to dash at his damp eyes, he bent his head and lifted his arms to wipe his face on his biceps.
“Sorry, I guess that wasn’t exactly easing you into it either, huh?” he said with a chuckle.
I laughed and said, “Easing is overrated. Sometimes you just need to go in hard and fast.” I gave him a lecherous wink, which caused him to bust out into a huge laugh that I felt all over my body. I loved that he didn’t even care that everyone was looking at us as we both laughed so hard we were nearly in tears. When we both finally settled, I said, “So why the investment firm? Is it the nerd thing?” I asked.
Elliot relaxed and tugged his hands free when the waitress appeared with our food. He waited until she was gone before snagging a piece of bacon from his plate and taking a hefty bite. If watching him laugh was freeing, watching the pleasure that sifted across his features as he ate was practically orgasm-inducing. God, what would he look like in the throes of passion? He wouldn’t be able to hide anything from me.
“No, I mean, I like numbers and stuff, but it just kind of made sense, I guess. My dad’s partner in the business was planning on retiring and I knew my dad wanted me to take his place, so it just kind of happened.”
“And the foundation?”
“I guess it was a way of remembering my father. Of not losing myself in the unfairness of it all. All he ever wanted to do was help people. Even the night he died, he was still protecting the couple who lived in that house. When he ran out of bullets, he went after the guys with his fists long enough that the couple could make a run for it.”
“A hero to the end,” I said. “Not a bad guy to want to emulate.”
“No, not at all,” Elliot agreed.
“So, do you love it?” I asked. “The investment banking stuff? Like you do the foundation?”
Elliot didn’t seem surprised by my observation.
“Truth?” he asked.
I didn’t bother telling him I always wanted him to tell me the truth, since that would have made me the biggest hypocrite in the world, so I merely nodded.
“I don’t really know what my dad was like before he lost my father, but growing up, he just seemed like this machine to me, at least when it came to work. Don’t get me wrong, he always made time for me, but he also worked himself to the bone. When I was a baby, he actually took me to work with him. There are pictures of him on conference calls while he’s holding me in his arms and feeding me my bottle. The firm, it had always been successful, but after my father died, it just kind of exploded. I think my dad needed that.”
“What, the success?”
Elliot shook his head. “Not exactly. It was like he needed to keep moving and even though the success meant more and more money, I think it was the endless work that kept him going. As I got older and became more independent, he just lost more and more of himself in his work. I felt like…”
When he didn’t continue, I said, “You felt like you were losing him.”
“Yes,” Elliot said, his voice softening. “So, I started asking questions about his business. It was a safe topic for us, you know? He didn’t talk about my father much and it was hard for him to sit still long enough to talk about what I was up to. But as soon as I asked about his work, the floodgates opened. Within a matter of weeks, I was interning at the firm after school and over the summer. And even though I didn’t love it, I didn’t care because I got him back.”
I nodded in understanding. “That was all that mattered to you.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh as he picked at his food. “He took an early retirement about six months ago, so most of the responsibility is on me now. He’s trusting me not to let it fail, you know?”
I didn’t respond to that, but I did know. Because that simple statement answered a lot of questions for me. Elliot’s connection to his dad had gotten wrapped up in the business and I doubted either man even saw it. If Elliot’s fear of failing his father was as great as I suspected it was, it explained why letting go of even a fraction of the iron grip he had on his need for control was so hard for him – and why he needed it so very badly. Twenty-five straight years of being afraid to fail the one constant in your life was bad enough, but Elliotwas just as worried about failing the father he’d never had the chance to know.
Since the topic of his parents was bringing him down, I changed the subject to safe ones and began peppering him with the more basic questions two people typically went through when they were on a first date. I easily answered every question he lobbed back at me and only hedged on the ones relating to my work. But even the lie by omission was enough to sour the food in my stomach. When it came time to pay the bill, it took only a single, firm, no-nonsense command for Elliot to put his wallet away. I paid the bill and then took his hand in mine before leading him from the diner. As we headed for the waterfront, the conversation became easy and light and I liked how Elliot became freer with his words and his body. He leaned into me as he spoke, he flirted here and there, and even when he fell into a thoughtful silence, he stayed with me by stroking his thumb over mine or giving my hand an extra squeeze.
