I felt Ethan start to rub small circles into my chest and I wished I’d had the sense to take my shirt off before lying down with him.
“I noticed as I got older that my dad seemed more and more resentful of us kids. But he never took his anger out on any of us. Even if we did something wrong, like if we broke a dish or something. Somehow it was my mother’s fault. It was like he was doing his best to pretend we didn’t exist. I once asked him why he’d even had us if he didn’t want us around.”
“What did he say?” Ethan asked.
“He didn’t answer me. Just told me to ask my mother. I stoppedtrying to stop him from going after her when she yelled at me one day to mind my own business…that I couldn’t understand how much my father loved her. Something…something changed for me after that. Instead of trying to stay home to referee fights with them and to protect my brothers and sisters from them, I escaped…found any excuse I could not to come home. I felt so guilty for it, but I couldn’t just watch him do that to her…and watch her take it,” I said softly.
I let my hand begin to roam up and down Ethan’s back as the memories cascaded over me. The weight of his hand as he continued to caress me helped keep me grounded.
“A few months after I turned fifteen, my parents had this really bad fight…bad enough that someone called the cops. My dad wasn’t arrested, but the cops made him leave. I knew he wouldn’t be gone for long, but I tried to talk my mom into leaving him. I thought maybe she’d see the truth if he wasn’t around to beg her forgiveness. She looked at me like I was crazy for even suggesting it. My dad came back about a week later, but he was different…really different,” I said.
“How?”
“There was no more yelling, no fights if dinner wasn’t on the table on time, no cursing if a dish got broken or milk got spilled. He started paying attention to me and my brothers and sisters. I was suspicious at first.”
“You thought it was too good to be true,” Ethan offered.
“Yeah. Weeks went by and I waited for him to explode, to go back to his old ways. But he didn’t. He and my mom were happier than I’d ever seen them.”
“What about you and him?”
“He seemed to make more of an effort to get to know me. I…I started to hope that maybe the worst of it was over. That we were going to be a real family.”
I fell silent as a ripple of shameful heat went through me.
“What happened, Cain?” Ethan asked, his voice gentle.
“He picked me up from school early one day to take me to a baseball game – it was just a minor-league team but I was soexcited. We talked about everything on the way there and back. He told me how proud he was that I was so good at sports. It was one of the best moments in my life. By the time we got home, I was on cloud nine. When we got inside, he asked me what I wanted for dinner since my mom was working late. My brothers and sisters weren’t around so I figured they were staying with the lady across the street who used to babysit sometimes.”
I felt Ethan stiffen in my hold, but he never let up on touching me with gentle presses of his fingers.
“I was standing there in the kitchen looking through the refrigerator for something for dinner when he said my name. The look in his eyes…I’ll never forget it. He looked both happy and sad at the same time and it didn’t make sense because we’d had a great day. He…he was still wearing his jacket.”
A chill swept through me as I was once again in that kitchen, watching my father walking towards me, that melancholy look in his eyes.
“Cain, look at me.”
The sharp order had me snapping my eyes open.
When had I closed them?
“Take deep breaths,” Ethan said softly. I noticed he wasn’t touching me anymore.
“Did I hurt you?” I immediately asked since I couldn’t remember him sitting up.
“No,” he said gently. “Take a few deep breaths for me, okay?”
I nodded and did as he said. I felt some of the tension leech out of me and it wasn’t until I looked down that I saw that my hands were fisted.
“Ethan, did I hurt you?” I asked again when I felt a little more clear-headed. I sat up so I was eye level with him and I scanned his body for any injuries.
“No, you didn’t,” he said. “I swear it. You just…you got really tense and quiet.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I was surprised when he grabbed the back of my neck. “Cain,look at me,” he ordered, though he kept his voice quiet. “You didn’t scare me. I was trying not to scare you, okay? That’s why I moved.”
I saw the truth in his eyes and nodded.
