I really didn’t have the right to ask the question, especially since I was the one who owed Phoenix answers, but I wasn’t ready to talk yet. If I had my way, I’d never have to tell him about me, my fucked-up family or the hated tattoo I was finally free of.
After I’d been discharged the previous night, I’d asked Phoenix to take me home since Betty had practically ordered me not to come into work for at least three days unless it was to stop by so she could hug the dickens out of me. Yes, she’d actually used the worddickens. I’d smiled when she’d said that to me, then I’d hung up the phone and cried. The very sweet nurse who’d been inserting the needle for my IV had wiped my face with tissues and told me everything would be okay.
I hadn’t bothered to tell her that nothing would ever be okay again.
Because I’d figured something out while I’d been sitting in that hospital bed waiting for the doctor.
I’d been wrong when I’d told Phoenix that God had given up on me a long time ago. He hadn’t given up…He’d just been biding His time. I’d never considered my time in prison or any of the events that had followed as acceptable punishment for what I’d done to the Nichols family seven years ago. My suffering had been a drop in the ocean compared to what Seth Nichols and his parents had gone through. As the years had passed, I’d kept waiting for that moment when God would pass His judgment on me, because contrary to what Father O had told me, I didn’t believe my sins could be forgiven. But as hard as things had been over the years, there hadn’t been that one moment where I’d felt like God had finally picked me out of the crowd and said, “Okay, it’s your turn.”
Turned out, Father O had been right about one thing. Godwasalways watching.
And he’d finally found something that would hurt me more than a life spent behind bars or any beating or assault that T, Gun or even Ricky could have sent my way.
He’d given me someone to love.
Two someones.
I’d never understood what I’d done to deserve having Henry in my life, but I got it now. God had given me that beautiful little boy so I would know what it felt like to love someone else so much that nothing else mattered.
And now He was taking him away…no, He was forcing me to give him up. I knew I was getting off easy in a sense, because even though losing Henry would feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, Henry would still be alive. I’d still get to imagine him out in the world living an amazing life, even if he would never remember me and how much I’d loved him.
It was much more than Seth Nichols had been left with.
To make sure I really got the message, though, God had gone a step further and brought Phoenix into my life, and he’d waited just long enough for me to start falling in love before He’d decided it was time for lesson number two.
Because I couldn’t build something with Phoenix that was based on a lie. And if I told him the truth, I’d lose him. But unlike with Henry, Phoenixwouldremember me and I’d have to live with knowing he hated me and that he would regret every moment he’dspent with me. He’d look back at every kiss he’d given me, every smile, every touch, with disgust and regret.
“What do you want to know?” Phoenix asked as he wrapped the blanket tighter around us, cocooning me in warmth. It was just after six o’ clock in the morning and we’d decided to watch the sun rise from the beach at Phoenix’s house. Once we’d reached the sand, Phoenix had urged me down to sit in front of him and then he’d stretched his long legs out on either side of me and pulled me back against his chest before wrapping the blanket around us both. Despite the throbbing pain I was still feeling in my wrist as well as the broken heart I was nursing, I’d never felt safer.
Phoenix hadn’t argued with me the previous night when I’d asked him to drive me home after I’d been released from the hospital. No, he hadn’t said a single thing as he’d helped me out of the wheelchair the staff had insisted I use to leave the building. He’d just taken my uninjured arm and led me to his waiting car and tucked me into the passenger seat, even helping me buckle my seat belt. Then he’d kissed me softly and stroked my face with his hand before he’d closed the door and gone around to the driver’s side. I’d known pretty quickly that he wasn’t taking me tomyhome, but I hadn’t argued. After all, how could I argue with something I wanted?
Once we’d gotten to his house, he’d led me to his room. He’d helped me take my shoes, socks and pants off, but hadn’t forced the issue when I’d stopped him from removing my shirt. I’d known he wasn’t undressing me for sex, but I still hadn’t wanted him to see my body. He’d helped me into bed and a few minutes later he’d gotten in with me. I’d been facing away from him, so he’d carefully settled himself at my back and had wrapped an arm around my waist. He hadn’t been wearing a shirt, but I’d been able to tell he’d put on sweatpants.
I’d fallen asleep within a matter of minutes since the painkillers the hospital had given me had left me feeling fuzzy, but I’d woken up several times, each time in Phoenix’s arms. I’d given up on going back to sleep a couple of hours ago and when Phoenix had woken up, we’d just lain there for a while, looking at each other. I hadn’thad a clue what he’d been thinking, but I’d been coming to the realization that I was falling in love for the first time in my life.
And acknowledging that it wouldn’t change anything.
But the more I thought about it, everythingwasgoing to change. Without Henry and Phoenix, I had nothing. I’d been a fool to think otherwise.
“Everything,” I admitted. Even if my time with Phoenix was limited, I still wanted to know everything about the man that I could. Since I knew Phoenix had lost his mother, I asked, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“A sister. Angela was a few years younger than me. My mom experienced some complications with her birth and couldn’t have any more kids.”
“Was?” I asked. “She’s gone?”
“Yes,” he said, his voice thick with pain. I had enough sense not to ask the burning question of how he’d lost her.
“And your father?” I felt Phoenix tense behind me and I knew what it meant. They were all gone. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about this.”
He was silent for a moment before he pressed a kiss against my temple. “It’s been a while since I’ve talked about them with anyone,” he admitted. “Neither of my parents had siblings so after their parents died, it was just my parents, me and my sister. After I lost them, there wasn’t anyone I could keep their memories alive with.”
“There was no one special…a boyfriend or girlfriend?” I ventured, adding the girlfriend part in since I wasn’t sure if Phoenix was gay or bi.
“No boyfriend,” he said and then he dropped his mouth to my ear. “And definitely no girlfriend,” he whispered.
I smiled. Okay, so that answered that.
“How is that possible?” I asked.
