“And the sneakers?”
“He says that he can run so fast that the sneakers become invisible.”
Beck laughed at that and then shook his head. We worked in silence for a moment before he said, “I’m sorry about what happened to you.”
I couldn’t help but stiffen – it was a reaction I knew would take me a while to get over.
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m hanging in there. Therapy’s been helping a lot,” I said.
“Yeah, my dad said you were doing that.”
I nodded. I wasn’t sure how much Beck knew about what hadhappened in the weeks after the rape. I hadn’t even been able to call what Drake had done to me that, because it made it too real. I’d chosen to see it as a sacrifice I’d made to keep Tristan and Tanner safe, rather than something that had been done to me. I hadn’t even realized how my mind and body were reacting to the assault in the days after I’d been released from the hospital until I had started talking to a therapist. She’d told me the obsessive hand washing, showering, the need to keep moving – they’d all been my brain trying to cope and regain control of me, my surroundings, the people around me.
But it was Eli who’d been the trigger for me and I’d often wondered in the weeks that followed if Tristan had known that when he’d asked Eli to stop by that night. Eli hadn’t looked at me with pity or any kind of expectation – he’d looked at me with understanding and acceptance. And I’d remembered his comment to me earlier in the summer about how hard he’d worked to hide the truth about what had happened to him from everyone who loved him. Then I’d remembered my own shame that I hadn’t known…that I hadn’t been able to help take some of his pain away.
It had all hit me at once then. The fact that I’d been raped…not just assaulted. That even though it had in one way been my choice, it really hadn’t been a choice. That I was punishing Memphis and Tristan, even though that hadn’t been my intention. That Drake’s act of violence had stolen so much more from me than my sense of security. His aim had been to destroy Memphis, but he’d destroyed us all in the end. Even though he hadn’t killed us like he’d obviously planned, he’d still torn us from Memphis, from each other.
I’d gone home with Eli that night, though I remember little of what was said or done. I only remembered him lying in bed with me in his and Mav’s guest bedroom, his arms around me, soothing me. In some ways it was better than when I’d spent the first few nights in Memphis’s bed with Tristan, because with Eli I didn’t have to pretend. I didn’t have to try to hide the fact that shame was sliding through my veins and burying itself under my skin until I wanted to claw at every part of my body.
I’d spent two days with Eli before he’d taken me to meet with histherapist. I’d been numb throughout the whole session except for the very beginning when Eli had tried to leave and I’d clung to him and begged him not to go. He’d become my lifeline after that and luckily, he hadn’t had a problem with it. He’d stayed with me whenever someone had come to visit, including my brother and his husband. He’d made sure I’d eaten, drank, showered. He’d held me when I’d cried and watched James Bond movies with me when I’d felt at ease enough to do something besides sleep. After a week, I’d finally found the strength to ask him to take me back to his therapist and I’d told the kind young woman that I needed help. She’d promised me that there would come a day where my life would start to feel like mine again and she’d been right.
That had been four weeks ago and more than five weeks since I’d last seen Tristan and Memphis. Tristan had tried to visit me in the days after I’d gone to Eli’s, but I’d been too raw and ashamed of my behavior and I’d asked Eli to send him away. He’d stopped trying after a week of stopping by every day. And by the time I’d gotten my head on straight again, I’d been worried that it was too late – that I’d destroyed the fragile relationship we’d started to build before Drake had shown up.
And Memphis…
I hadn’t heard from him at all and I hadn’t tried to reach out to him either. It wasn’t because I blamed him for what had happened to me – how could I? There was no way he could have known Drake was still alive, much less protected me and Tristan from him. In fact, I was grateful he’d managed to find us as quickly as he had, because even as Drake had been raping me, I’d felt his hands on my throat, threatening to cut off my oxygen. Whether he’d planned to kill me in that moment or wait until he’d tormented Memphis with more videos, I hadn’t known. All I’d known was Tristan, Tanner and I had faced certain death and we’d been spared because Memphis had found us.
No, my fear in reaching out to Memphis stemmed from one thing and one thing only. The shame.
The bone-deep shame of knowing that every time Memphis looked at me going forward, he’d only see Drake’s cock buried downmy throat or him lying on top of me, ramming into me. He’d only hear Drake making me say words that weren’t true. And it wasn’t like they were memories that would eventually fade and be forgotten. No, he had all of it on video. I’d heard Drake send him the first one and I had no doubt he’d watched the second one of Drake actually raping me. I’d seen him torment himself countless times as he’d watched Janie’s video. He’d do the same thing with mine. But besides the video, my physical presence would be a constant reminder to him. He’d ended up sharing me with the one man he hated above all others, even if it hadn’t been my choice. It didn’t change the fact that he would always know that Drake had been inside of me, a part of me for even the briefest of moments.
It was something I doubted Memphis would ever be able to get past. I doubted I would ever be able to get past it.
But there was still the possibility of fixing things with Tristan. I hadn’t attended any family dinners since I’d left the hotel with Eli, and I hadn’t been sure if Tristan had or not. My guilt had been off the charts in the past weeks as I’d thought about what my defection must have done to Tristan. Especially since I didn’t even know if he’d had Memphis to lean on.
At least until Memphis had left town.
I hadn’t found that out until I’d called the hotel a few days ago pretending to want to leave a message for Memphis. They’d told me he’d checked out several weeks earlier.
The knowledge that I’d lost Memphis for good had nearly broken me all over again, but I still had a chance with Tristan. If he forgave me and took me back, we’d never truly be complete, but it would be better than not being together at all. I couldn’t choose between him and Memphis, but I also wouldn’t be without one just because I was without the other.
So I’d finally gotten the courage to call Dom and ask him if Tristan was coming to family dinner this weekend at Dom and Logan’s island house. He’d told me he was, and had agreed not to tell Tristan I would be there, though he’d assured me repeatedly that Tristan would be glad to know it. I’d avoided asking him any more questions about Tristan, only because I didn’t want to hear howbadly I’d hurt him. I’d asked about Tanner too and while the little boy was also in therapy to deal with the traumatic events of that day, he was doing as well as could be expected. I’d seen him myself playing with the other kids out in the front yard when I’d arrived with Eli and Mav a half an hour ago.
“Wow, nice car,” I heard Beck say and I glanced up to see he was looking out the window that overlooked the driveway. I could hear the engine rumbling and figured it was Ren arriving in one of his client’s cars that he was testing or one of his personal restoration projects. I could definitely tell it was a muscle car.
“Brennan, can you come out here?” I heard my brother call.
“Yeah,” I said and then set the last plate. I followed Beck who’d already started for the front door. I was surprised to see most of the kids had stopped playing and several of the adults who’d been watching them were congregating near the front door. It took me a moment to maneuver past everyone to get to my brother who was standing at the far end of the crowd. “What?” I asked.
“That,” Zane said as he motioned to the driveway.
My heart dropped out at the sight of a jet black 1970 Plymouth Barracuda sitting in the driveway. I knew instantly whose it was because I only knew one person who owned that kind of car.
I swallowed hard at the sight of Tristan getting out of the passenger seat and when his eyes locked on mine and he smiled, I felt my knees weaken. I was shocked to see Tink jump out of the car behind Tristan and trot up towards the house as all the family dogs ran up to her to investigate. But the cat just stood there looking bored as she was sniffed from every angle by three German Shepherds, a Rottweiler and Matty’s not-so-little-any-more lab-mix puppy. When she began to make her way through the crowd, all the fascinated dogs followed her.
I shifted my eyes from the cat as the driver’s side of the car opened and I took in the sight of Memphis getting out and striding around the vehicle. His eyes also met mine, but he didn’t move towards me. I drank in the sight of him and Tristan as they briefly held hands and then Tristan was walking towards me, his beautiful eyes wide with excitement. I felt tears stinging my eyes and I blinkedthem back. He came to a stop before me and I couldn’t help but think how confident he looked as he held my gaze. It was almost like he’d been expecting to see me.
“Hi,” he said softly and then he reached out to stroke my face.
