“Did you want potatoes or rice tonight, Tristan?” I heardBrennan ask me and I looked up from the sheet music I’d been pulling together for one of my students.
“Either,” I said as glanced nervously at my watch.
“Memphis?”
Memphis didn’t even look up from his laptop. “Whatever you want,” he said quietly. His eyes were on the screen, but I knew he wasn’t seeing whatever was on there. Just like I wasn’t seeing the notes on the page in front of me.
I was sitting at the kitchen counter on one of the barstools and I lifted my eyes to watch Brennan move around the small space. It was something else that had changed about Brennan. He couldn’t sit still to save his life. If he wasn’t cooking, he was cleaning. If he wasn’t cleaning, he was working out in the gym in the hotel. He left for work early and stayed well beyond closing time and my Uncle Ren had told me he locked himself in his office all day and lost himself in paperwork. He no longer interacted with the mechanics who worked there or the customers. And of course, he’d repeatedly told Uncle Ren he was fine.
“Brennan,” I said softly and I waited until he looked up at me. “I’m not fine,” I finally whispered and I saw his face fall for a moment.
But then that fake smile was back and he said, “What do you mean?”
“I’m not fine. Memphis isn’t fine,” I said as I cast a glance over my shoulder at Memphis who was staring out the window rather than having to face us. I looked back at Brennan and said, “You’re not fine.”
Brennan’s jaw tightened just a little bit, but then he forced his features to relax. “I told you-”
“If we let him do this to us, he wins,” I whispered.
Brennan went to the sink and began washing his hands. It was something else he did a lot. That and the endless showers he took…the ones that he would no longer let us join him in. “It’s over,” Brennan said simply. “I did what I had to do. You’re here, I’m here, Memphis is here-”
“Brennan, none of us are here,” I said as I got up and wentaround the counter. I stopped behind him and turned off the water. His hands were red from how hot the water had been. “We’re still trapped in that room.”
I put my hands on Brennan’s upper arms, but he shrugged me off. Other than when he was holding me at night, he never touched me. Never let himself be touched.
“Tristan, you’re making this into something it’s not,” Brennan said, his voice finally betraying him with its unevenness. “We’re good.”
“No we’re not,” Memphis said and we both turned to see him standing by the window, his back to us. He slowly turned around and I could see the tracks of tears on his face. “I was too fucking late,” he whispered. “I couldn’t save you in time.”
Brennan stiffened and wrapped his arms around himself.
“And I don’t know how to save you now,” Memphis said softly as he shook his head.
“This is ridiculous!” Brennan snapped. “We got through it! We’re all here, together! Like we’re supposed to be. I told you I was fine! Why the hell won’t you believe me?”
I was saved from having to answer by a knock on the door and I felt my heart nearly punch through my chest. Since Brennan made no move to answer it, I went around him and walked to the door to open it.
Eli gave me a reassuring smile just before I opened the door all the way so Brennan could see him. I hadn’t asked Eli what he was going to say when I’d asked him to come and talk to Brennan. He’d merely wrapped his arms around me as I’d cried my heart out to him and then he’d told me it would be okay.
The four of us stood frozen in time for a moment. Eli only took a couple of steps forward into the room before pausing and his eyes never left Brennan. For his part, Brennan looked like a deer caught in headlights as Eli held his gaze.
I nearly missed it. I would have if I hadn’t been looking at Eli at the exact right moment. He softened his expression just a little bit and then he nodded. A tiny move with a devastatingly painful outcome because a second later, a sob tore free from Brennan. Itcame from somewhere deep inside of him and it hurt so bad to hear it that I had to put my hand to my own stomach in the hopes of stemming the pain. Another soul-crushing sob and then Brennan covered his eyes with one hand. But it did nothing to hide the tears that started to fall, or the way his mouth opened on what I could only classify as an agonized scream that I felt in every cell of my body. I dropped my eyes, but not before I saw Memphis lower himself to the floor in a crouching position that had him covering his hung head with his arms. I forced my eyes back up when Eli began moving forward. Brennan didn’t protest when Eli put his arms around him, but I didn’t actually feel a sliver of relief until Brennan finally hugged him back and then buried his head against Eli’s shoulder and began crying in earnest.
Because that was something else Brennan hadn’t done since the day of the rape.
He hadn’t cried.
Not once.
Not one single tear.
Chapter 31
MEMPHIS
I didn’t even bother gettingup from where I was sitting on the deck when I saw the car start up the road leading to the house. All I could tell was that it was black, which didn’t mean much. Between all the visits I’d gotten from Ronan and Mav, I wasn’t sure whose turn it was this week to have their “Come to Jesus” moment with me. It likely wasn’t Mav since he rarely drove anywhere, preferring instead to ride his Harley, but at that point I didn’t give a shit. I was tired of the same old message.
It’s not your fault.
