A mix of need that had nothing to do with sex went through me, but was quickly doused by reality. This man would never see me as anything other than a horny fuck-up.
My instinct for self-preservation kicked in and I casually said, “Hey, I’m already going to hell, right? Might as well enjoy the ride.” I didn’t wait for him to respond before turning and hurrying down the stairs.
Damn,I hated that I was so restless. I should have asked Magnus if I could drive, though I doubted he would have let me. And it was better that I be able to focus on our surroundings anyway.
Except I couldn’t focus. Well, not quite true…I had no trouble at all focusing on every little move Magnus made, from the way his fingers occasionally flexed on the steering wheel to how his muscular thighs bunched whenever he shifted in his seat.
Fuck, why was I so obsessed with this guy? I’d fucked and been fucked by countless guys and rarely more than once because none of them had been worth it. But I knew in my gut that one taste ofMagnus wouldn’t be enough. One touch and I’d be ready to implode.
I hated that he had so much power over me. But as much as I disliked how strong my physical reaction to him was, it was everything else that was really causing me to lose my shit. Yeah, I wanted his touch, but I fucking craved his smile. I obsessed over what his laugh would sound like. I burned to know what it would feel like to have him look at me with something besides derision.
“How was your meeting?” I blurted out because I desperately needed something to distract me from the thoughts rattling around in my head.
Magnus cast me a look that seemed to say‘You’re still here?’
“Productive,” he finally responded.
“That’s it?” I asked. “Productive?”
Magnus kept his eyes on the road as he said, “It was harder than I thought it would be.”
“What was?” I asked softly, disturbed by how solemn he sounded.
“Saying goodbye to that part of my life.”
It took me a moment to understand what he was saying. “You told your boss you’re not coming back.” It wasn’t really a question, but he nodded anyway. “What did he say?”
Magnus shrugged. “That he understood. He knows what Matty’s been going through and how finding out he was still alive…”
His voice fell off and I saw him swallow hard. His eyes shifted to glance out his side window and I got the distinct impression he was trying to get control of himself. My insides twisted painfully. I knew his daughter was gone, but I had no clue about the circumstances of her death. I also hadn’t realized he’d thought Matty was lost to him as well.
“You thought Matty was dead?” I prodded.
Magnus glanced at me. “Hawke and Tate didn’t tell you this story?”
I shook my head. “I…I try to keep things professional,” I admitted, realizing how foolish that probably sounded to him considering Ihadn’t always been professional around him. “Matty told me about his mom while I was sitting with him in his hospital room when Hawke had to step out for a minute. He…he was asking me about my family…well, my mom actually, and that’s when he said his was in heaven.”
There was a moment of silence before Magnus said, “I didn’t know that. He only asked me about her for the first time last week.”
Magnus fell silent again. The pain in his expression actually caused a physical ache in my chest and I regretted bringing the subject up. “Hey, listen, we don’t have to talk about this…”
He shook his head. “Just…just give me a second, okay?”
His voice cracked on the last word. I managed to say, “Okay” and fell silent. I tore my eyes from him so I wouldn’t make him uncomfortable, but the need to touch him was overwhelming and I had to dig my fingers into my seat so I wouldn’t reach for his hand which was now gripping the steering wheel like it was a lifeline.
A good two minutes passed before Magnus said, “Her name was Jenna. She was seventeen when she and Matty disappeared two years ago.”
Fuck.
I managed to curb the curse word, but did the math in my head. The girl would have only been around fourteen or fifteen when she had Matty.
“I thought she’d just taken off with him for a few days to cool down, but when she didn’t call me asking for money…” Magnus’s voice dropped off momentarily. “I kept holding out hope, even though the cop in me knew what the odds were. Then Hawke showed up on my door last summer telling me he had proof she was gone.”
“But Matty was alive,” I said softly. “Did…did your daughter drop him off with Tate or something?”
Magnus shot me an odd look before turning his attention back to the road. I realized at some point we’d left the city limits, but I didn’t ask where we were going because I didn’t want him to stop telling me his story.
“Tate’s not actually Matty’s father,” Magnus finally admitted.
