I dropped my eyes because I understood what he was asking and I couldn’t promise that.
“I need you whole, Jonas.”
I flinched as my own words were flung back at me. He wanted for me what I’d wanted for him. He needed me to forgive myself. And I knew that no matter what happened to Cole, he would want that for me too. Because they both loved me even when I couldn’t love myself.
I nodded and then forced my eyes up. I didn’t know if I could manage it but I owed it to him and Cole to try. I owed it to myself.
“You won’t,” I said firmly. “Go get Cole’s dad.”
Mace smiled and then he was dragging me into his arms. “Love you,” he whispered against my ear as he clung to me. We held onto each other like that for a while and then he said, “Come meet my folks.”
Mace wasable to see Cole for a few minutes before he had to leave for the airport to catch his flight to New Haven. We’d known that Cole wouldn’t be able to talk to us but the sight of him lying in the hospital bed, still as death, his pale skin almost as white as the thin blanket that covered him, was frightening. But nothing scared me more than the sight of the ventilator. Somehow the idea of knowing Cole couldn’t breathe on his own scared me even more than all the blood that had poured from his body.
Mace had kissed me gently before he left and then he’d leaned over Cole and whispered something into his ear before kissing him on the forehead. That had been almost four hours ago. The nursing staff had brought Mace and me some chairs to sit in, and I’d drawn mine up as close to the bed as I could get it, and then covered Cole’s hand with one of mine while I let my eyes settle on the up and down motions of his chest. The whooshing sound of the ventilator wasstrangely soothing and I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until a hand settled on my shoulder.
“Cole?” I said hoarsely as my eyes flew to his face only to see he was still out.
“Sorry,” Ronan murmured as he settled in the chair next to me. “I got you a latte from the coffee shop downstairs,” he said. “They wouldn’t let me bring it in here so I left it out at the nurse’s station for you if you want to take a break.”
I shook my head tiredly. “Did you help them find me?” I asked after I settled my hand back over Cole’s.
“Yeah. They called me from a resort a few miles from the farmhouse. They weren’t sure if you’d left with a certain destination in mind or just left,” Ronan said.
I looked over at him in surprise. Had Mace and Cole really thought I’d left them because I didn’t want to be with them?
“I kind of figured it was the former so I had one of my guys hack the airlines’ databases until they found you. Once we realized you were in Chicago, I figured I’d tag along to make sure they didn’t get themselves into too much trouble getting you back. They aren’t the most…diplomatic when it comes to you,” Ronan said with a slight smile.
“How did you know what to do to help Cole?”
The smile disappeared and Ronan actually dropped his eyes to his hands. He began tapping the pads of his fingers together one by one. The nervous gesture seemed so out of place for such a brash, confident man.
“I used to be a trauma surgeon,” he finally admitted.
The answer surprised me and I wanted to ask how he’d gone from saving lives to taking them, but I doubted he’d answer me.
“Thank you for what you did,” I said. “He wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t stepped in,” I said softly and I placed one of my hands over his still jittery ones. He froze at the contact but didn’t jerk away from me like I would have expected. But he clearly didn’t like to be touched so I withdrew my hand.
“I do give a shit about him,” Ronan said, his voice so low I struggled to hear him over the noisy machines surrounding us. Ittook me a moment to realize Ronan was talking about my accusation that he hadn’t cared about Mace and that he’d used and exploited his vulnerabilities to get Mace to work for him.
“Ronan, I was upset…”
Ronan shook his head. “I didn’t offer him the job to take advantage of him. I could have found dozens of guys willing to do what he did for the right amount of money. I knew he wasn’t going to forgive himself for what happened to his son so I gave him another outlet for his hate. It worked for me so I figured it would work for him.”
Ronan’s statement was telling. He’d clearly suffered some unimaginable loss just like Mace had. “Didit work for you?” I asked.
But Ronan didn’t answer me so I turned my attention back to Cole. “I’m going to take a few sips of that latte,” I said as the exhaustion began to settle over me again. “Would you stay here with him?” I asked Ronan.
Ronan nodded.
I started to pass Ronan but then stopped and did something I knew he wouldn’t like but that I felt compelled to do. I leaned down and wrapped my arms around Ronan and hugged him. “Thank you for saving both of them.”
Ronan felt as stiff as a board in my hold so I quickly released him and left the room without looking back. I found the latte at the nurse’s station and took a few sips but as I was putting it down, the top popped off and some of the warm liquid splashed all over my hand. I grabbed some tissues from the end of the counter and cleaned up the mess I’d made but I knew the stickiness on the back of my hand would bother me until I cleaned it off so I looked around for my bodyguard to let him know I was going to the bathroom. Only one of the men had stayed with me after the shooting. The other one had presumably stayed behind to work with the police to deal with the shooter who’d started shouting almost immediately that she’d done it because Eduardo had threatened to kill her if she didn’t.
I finally spotted the big man talking on his cell phone at the far end of the hallway. I waited for him to turn around but figured itwould take just as long to get his attention as it would take for me to go and wash my hands so I walked down the opposite hall until I reached the men’s room. There was only one other man in there when I entered and he nodded at me as he walked out. I washed my hands and then leaned my face over the sink so I could scrub my face. The cold water worked wonders to soothe my tired, pained eyes.
I was in the process of wiping my face with a paper towel when I noticed someone approach me from behind. The man, presumably a nurse or orderly based on the scrubs, didn’t move to one of the other sinks, and before I could move out of his way, my head was slammed forward against the mirror. Pain exploded behind my eyes at the contact and then a hand wrapped around my throat, and I was dragged back several feet until my back hit the wall at the far end of the bathroom. Blood dripped over one of my eyes but I was still able to make out Eduardo’s face with the other.
The man didn’t look any different than he had nine years ago when he’d held me down and told me to be a good boy for him and it wouldn’t hurt as much. His long, greasy black hair was slicked straight back and his pockmarked face made his beady eyes look too small for his face. His putrid breath washed over me even before he started speaking.
