“I guess the things I said to you didn’t help with that,” Jonas said with a sigh.
“Jonas-”
“I was wrong to judge you like I did. I let my fear for Mace cloud my thinking and I took it out on you. If you hadn’t done what you did for him, for me, for all of us…” Jonas just shook his head as if the rest was too painful to even voice.
“You asked me a question in the hospital that day, do you remember?”
Jonas put down the paint tray he’d been cleaning up and nodded. “You said having an outlet for your hate worked for you and I asked if that were really true.”
“I didn’t see it then,” I admitted. “I thought I’d fixed what was broken inside of me but all I did was bury it so deep that it couldn’t touch me anymore. I became someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who didn’t feel, didn’t care, didn’t love or hate.”
I sucked in a deep breath and forced myself to continue, but I had to drop my eyes to do it. “And I’m terrified that even if I can find a way to going back to who I was, what if I’m still so broken that even he can’t fix me?”
“Ishethe guy Mace and Cole are helping you protect?”
I nodded. It didn’t surprise me that Jonas knew about Seth. I doubted the three men kept any secrets from each other. Not like I’d been keeping from Seth…that I was still keeping.
“Do you love him?”
I nodded again, not sure why it was so hard to say yes out loud.
“Does he love you?”
“He says he does.”
“You don’t believe him?” Jonas asked gently.
I shook my head. “I believe him, but he loves a version of me that doesn’t exist.”
“He doesn’t know about what you do,” Jonas said in understanding.
Humiliation coursed through me. I felt raw and exposed and weak and I fucking hated it. The need to escape was overwhelming. “You know what, I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have bothered you with this.”
I turned to go but Jonas easily caught up to me and stepped in my path. He didn’t touch me which I was glad for. His touch wouldn’t be devastating like Seth’s, but I still didn’t want it…especially now.
“Ask me, Ronan,” Jonas said softly. “Ask me what you came here to ask me.”
I shook my head but didn’t move. When I finally lifted my eyes, I saw no judgement or ridicule in the young man’s eyes. I drew in a deep breath and forced the words from my lips. “When you knew what he did, did it change how you felt about him? Even just a little?”
“No,” Jonas said without hesitation. “No,” he repeated firmly. No explanation. No reasoning. Nothing beyond the truth of that one powerful word.
I managed a nod. It was the answer I’d been expecting but it was the conviction with which he said it that had a glimmer of hope sparking deep inside of me.
“What’s his name?”
“Seth.”
I dropped my eyes again and realized I was tapping my fingers together. I bit back a curse and clenched my hand into a fist.
“Will you bring Seth to dinner tonight so we can meet him?”
I should have said no because I doubted Seth would want to go and I was feeling too much like an exposed nerve to deal with anything besides the anxiety of needing to find a way to tell Seth the truth…about everything. But then I remembered Mace’s words about family and I realized that family was something Seth and I both desperately needed more of. At worst, Seth and Jonas were close enough in age that maybe they’d hit it off enough that Seth would have someone to talk to if he decided to send me packing.
“He has a dog-” I began to say.
Jonas laughed. “He’s more than welcome. But just a word of warning…Casey kind of talked us into taking in a few foster animals.”
I chuckled. Casey was Jonas’s best friend and I knew from the research I’d done on Jonas after discovering Benny’s failed hit, that the young woman and Jonas had run an animal shelter for years and that Casey Prescott continued to take in unwanted animals. The huge house she and her husband owned in the Hamptons had been turned into an unofficial sanctuary. It was no surprise that Jonas and his men had been sucked into the fold.
