Fuck, I couldn’t even deal with that yet.
I’d managed to stop by my room long enough to clean the proof of mine and Seth’s release from my body and drag on a pair of jeans, but I hadn’t thought to grab my gun because I’d been too rattled by what had happened with Seth. But I couldn’t risk running into him again so I hurried through the door and began striding across the patio.
“Running again?” I heard a voice off to my right say and I turned to see Hawke sitting on the single step that led from the study door to the patio.
I ignored the comment and asked, “What are you doing here?”
I hadn’t seen or heard from Hawke much since I’d moved back into Seth’s house other than to get reports and swap shifts with him so he could go back to his motel and rest while I did perimeter checks throughout the night. But his presence meant he likely suffered the same issues with sleep that I did. And considering the brutal way his wife had died, I wasn’t surprised. I’d seen what the monsters that’d taken her from him had done firsthand. Only, Hawke hadn’t had the pleasure of watching her murderers die like I had gotten to witness with Trace’s.
I’d relieved Hawke almost as soon as Seth and I had gotten home and I hadn’t expected him to return until morning. Of course, I hadn’t expected to find my way into Seth’s bed again just twelve hours after I’d slaked my need on him in his office.
“Figured you’d be preoccupied tonight,” Hawke said. There was enough light from the full moon to see the silver of his gun that he had resting in his hands.
My agitation overrode my common sense as I said, “That the only reason?”
I didn’t need to see Hawke’s eyes to feel his chilly gaze settle on me. “You really want to do this?” he asked coldly. “You’d rather pick a fight with me than be with him?” he said as he glanced up at the other side of the house where Seth’s bedroom was. It was far enough away that he wouldn’t hear us unless we started yelling. “To be loved like that twice in a lifetime, Ronan? Do you even knowwhat a lucky son of a bitch you are?” Hawke asked with a shake of his head. “What the fuck are you so afraid of?”
“He doesn’t love me, Hawke. Not really. Fuck, he doesn’t even really know me!”
“And whose fault is that?”
I shook my head in frustration. “So what, I’m supposed to go back to being the good doctor? The man who saves lives instead of takes them? I’m supposed to pretend the last six years never happened?” I snapped. “I’m supposed to overlook the fact that he’s my dead fiancé’s little brother? That I’m the reason his brother is even dead in the first place?”
“If the fact that he was Trace’s brother really bothered you, you never would have touched him,” Hawke said, his voice irritatingly calm. “And if you want to keep playing the martyr and pretend what happened to Trace was your fault, then fine. But damn well leave him the fuck alone then,” Hawke bit out, his anger finally rumbling to the surface. “Because if you’d open your eyes for one goddamn second, you’d see that that man loves you in a way that all the shit from your past won’t change. Can you say the same thing about Trace?”
I was on Hawke before I could stop myself, but he easily sidestepped the blow I’d intended for him. He grabbed me and shoved me back against the side of the house and before I knew it, his forearm was pressed against my neck, threatening to cut off my air supply. Hawke held me there for a moment but never increased the pressure on my neck and despite knowing how lethal he was, I never felt a moment of true danger. He finally shoved away from me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
I managed a nod but I couldn’t get his last question out of me head.
Can you say the same thing about Trace?
“Can you hang out here for a bit?” I muttered as I rubbed at my throat. Hawke nodded and I pushed past him and began walking across the patio. I snapped out of my reverie long enough to notice the barking coming from inside the house and I turned to see Bullet pawing at the kitchen door. I sidetracked and opened it and thenfollowed the dog down towards the beach. As I began crossing the lawn, I glanced up and saw Seth watching me from one of the windows in his room. Much like the day I’d arrived. And like that day, he turned away from me.
I ignored the urge to go back up to his room and lose myself in his body again and made my way down to the beach. The full moon cast the entire back yard in an eerie glow that matched my mood. I’d been itching for a fight with Hawke just so I wouldn’t have to feel any of the emotions Seth’s words had called forth, but now I was stuck with Hawke’s words instead.
I had no doubt that Trace had loved me but I’d always had a feeling that my love for him was just a little bit…more. There wasn’t one thing I could put my finger on that had made me feel that way. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t ever pressed me for details on my childhood. Maybe it had been that he’d never bottomed for me, even after I’d asked him to. He’d simply told me he didn’t do that, hadn’t ever done it with anyone and that was it. Conversation over. I hadn’t really cared that he’d relegated us to the roles we’d played in the relationship, but his flat out refusal to even consider letting me know him in that way had left me feeling like he didn’t completely trust me.
Not like Seth trusted me.
I came to a stop as the realization hit me. I was doing to Seth what Trace had done to me. I’d taken everything Seth had given me but all I’d given back was the pleasure my body could give his. I knew Hawke was right…Seth was all in. He’d meant the beautiful words he’d said to me, that he’d whispered against my lips as our breaths, our bodies, our souls had connected. I’d loved Trace but I couldn’t deny that what Seth and I had just shared had shattered me in a way that I’d never experienced with Trace.
Guilt rushed through me and I didn’t even make it to my log on the beach before I sank to my knees. A chill went through my bones but it wasn’t from the cold. I’d suffered after Trace had been taken from me but I’d lived. I’d survived. But I knew in my gut that I wouldn’t survive it if I lost Seth. I was in love with him. Plain andsimple. And yet it wasn’t. I’d been in love with Trace, but with Seth…God, I lived and breathed for Seth.
Bullet pushed against my hands with his cold nose and I sank down on my ass as he practically crawled into my lap. I wrapped my arms around his big body and buried my face against his fur. I couldn’t help but wish it was Seth I had my arms wrapped around…that I could accept the comfort he’d been offering from the first time he’d followed me down to this very beach after our encounter in his bathroom. But I couldn’t have Seth that way. Not because I didn’t want him but because I knew Hawke was wrong about one thing – there was no way Seth could love me enough to overlook all the things I’d done since I let his big brother die.
I hadn’t expectedSeth to wait for me the next morning like he usually did, especially since I’d overslept and was running ten minutes late. But he was sitting patiently at the kitchen table, the travel mug he’d bought from a coffee shop that we frequented on the way home from the office sitting in front of him. He looked as bad as I felt and I had no doubt he hadn’t fared much better than me in the sleep department.
“Would you mind driving today?” Seth asked as I reached his side. I wanted so badly to lean down and tip his head back for a kiss, that I actually fisted my hand behind my back in a desperate hope the move would somehow prevent me from grabbing him. I took the keys with my other hand.
“Sure,” I managed to say, though my voice sounded raspy.
I hadn’t returned to the house until almost four in the morning. I hadn’t seen Hawke but I’d known he was around somewhere. I’d glanced up at Seth’s window as if expecting him to be standing there waiting for my return. He hadn’t been.
It wasn’t until we were on the ferry that I finally broached a subject I’d needed to speak with Seth about, but that I’d put off after the awkwardness that had occurred after I’d fucked him in his office bathroom the day before.
“I’d like to come to New York with you,” I said, though I kept my eyes on the approaching mainland. Seth and I were standing in our usual spot on the upper level of the ferry.
“Okay.”
