I began striding forward, drawn in by the uncertainty in Tate’s eyes.
Because that was the first thing I needed to change.
Chapter 24
TATE
I hadto remind myself not to squeeze Matty’s shoulders too hard as I watched Hawke stride towards us, his expression unreadable. I’d gone back and forth with myself on whether or not torturing myself with seeing Hawke again was a good idea, but in the end I couldn’t deny my need to lay eyes on him again, even if it was just for a few minutes. But when Hawke didn’t smile or even slow down as he neared us, a terrible fear went through me that I’d made a horrible mistake.
I shook my head as Hawke reached us and said, “Hawke, I’m sorry” but my words were abruptly cut off when Hawke’s lips slammed down on mine. He swallowed my cry of surprise and stole into my mouth as his arms went around me. I recovered quickly and kissed him back, but my heart was pounding frantically in my chest as I struggled to process what was happening.
Hawke released my mouth and clasped my neck between his hands and pressed our foreheads together. “I love you so much, Tate,” he whispered. He leaned in to kiss me again and then his arms wrapped around my shoulders in an almost painful hold. I felt tears threatening as I finally understood what was happening and I curled my arms around his back and just held on to him.
I didn’t think it could get better until he whispered, “Stay with me,” in my ear.
I was too overcome to speak so I just nodded frantically against him, hoping he’d hear my silent answer.
The past three weeks had been an endless struggle from the moment I’d left Hawke’s bed. Matty’s recovery couldn’t have gone any better and I’d been beyond excited that he’d been cleared to leave the hospital for a week, but my joy had been tempered by the fact that my need for Hawke hadn’t dwindled as each day had passed; it had grown and grown into an almost unbearable pain that made even the simplest of tasks a chore. The only time I’d really managed to focus was when the nurses had explained what I would need to do for Matty during the week he was home. Ronan had been by my side as the staff had explained how to change the bandage covering Matty’s central line and the signs to watch for that would indicate any kind of infection. I’d also gotten a rundown of the antibiotics I would need to administer through the central line. I’d been terrified by the prospect of all the things that could go wrong, but one look at my son’s happy face as he’d talked about seeing Bullet again and I’d pushed my fear aside.
And then Matty had started asking if we’d be able to visit Hawke.
I’d explained when I’d gotten back to Seattle that Hawke had had to stay behind so he could keep looking for the bad guys. That had mollified Matty for a few days, but then he’d started asking if we could call Hawke. Luckily, I’d been able to distract him long enough so that he eventually forgot about his request, but even the mention of Hawke’s name would bring a rush of fierce longing and stark fear.
I’d confessed my fear for Hawke’s safety when Ronan had picked me up at the airport and though I hadn’t been one hundred percent clear what kind of professional relationship Ronan and Hawke had, my instincts had told me that Ronan wasn’t the kind of man to sit idly by when one of his friends was in trouble. And I’d been right. That very day, Ronan had told me he was monitoringHawke’s location and had sent someone to watch Hawke’s back when he went to Laredo.
Only he hadn’t gone to Laredo.
I’d wanted to believe that it was a sign that maybe things could be different for him…for us. That maybe my words the night before I’d left had made a difference. But I’d been too afraid to hope.
Now it was all I felt as Hawke held me against him. I had no idea how long we clung to each other for, but when Hawke put some space between us, I finally remembered Matty and I looked down to see that he’d moved out of the way at some point when Hawke had been holding onto me. I had no idea what to even say to Matty since he’d never seen me act so intimately with another person. But the big grin on his face told me he had no problem with what he’d just witnessed and I guessed it was another thing I had Ronan and Seth to thank for since they were so openly affectionate around one another.
Before I could say anything, Hawke was lowering himself to Matty’s level, but he didn’t say anything. A part of me feared that he wasn’t really seeing my son, but that disappeared when he pulled Matty gently into his arms. I noticed that he was careful not to put too much pressure against the place where the central line was located. Hawke whispered something into Matty’s ear and then carefully lifted him into his arms. He held Matty with one arm and then drew me forward into another hug. A big sigh escaped his lips and his whole body seemed to relax as he held Matty and me close and I smiled because I knew no matter what, we’d figure the rest out.
Together.
“Is he asleep?”I asked when Hawke entered the bedroom. I was standing near the window that overlooked the open fields that surrounded the house, but it was so dark that I couldn’t see a thing. There wasn’t even a single light from a neighboring property.
“Yeah,” Hawke said as he closed the door behind him. Icouldn’t explain why I was suddenly so nervous. Probably because Hawke and I hadn’t had a chance to talk after he’d kissed me in the driveway. It had been close to dinner time when we’d arrived at Hawke’s place and since he hadn’t had enough food to feed everyone, we’d driven into town and eaten at a family style restaurant. Hawke had sat between me and Matty and while he’d held my hand beneath the table the entire time we hadn’t been eating, he’d spent most of his time talking to Matty. Or listening, rather. Matty had talked almost nonstop about everything that had happened to him while he’d been in the hospital and had proudly showed off his little bald head and his central line. Then the discussion had turned to Matty’s newest obsession with the X-Men superheroes that Ronan and Seth had introduced him to. And throughout it all, Hawke had done more than just listened. He’d asked Matty endless questions and heaped so much praise on my little boy for how brave he was, that I’d felt my love for Hawke go to a whole new level, something I wouldn’t have even thought possible.
It had been late by the time we’d left and while Seth, Ronan and Mav had gone to the motel they’d booked, there’d been no question about where Matty and I would be staying. Matty hadn’t even put up much of a fuss when he’d realized Bullet would be going with Seth and Ronan. Once we’d arrived back at Hawke’s place, I’d given Matty a bath while Hawke had prepared the bedroom next to his for Matty. The pink walls had led me to suspect it was his wife’s childhood room, but I hadn’t been brave enough to ask Hawke. He’d opened a window to get the room aired out and I’d heard him feverishly vacuuming during the nearly hour Matty spent in the tub. There hadn’t been even a speck of dust that I could see when I’d finally led Matty into the room. Hawke had joined us, Spiderman doll in hand, and had thanked Matty for gifting him with the doll to catch bad guys. He’d glossed over Matty’s questions about whether he’d caught the bad guys and had sat on the bed to watch as I’d given Matty his meds and changed the dressing on his central line. He’d ended up asking several questions as I’d worked. And when Matty had insisted that Hawke was the one to read him his bedtime story, Hawke had readily agreed and I’d been dismissed.
“He told me I should get a dog,” Hawke said as he came up to me and stood at my back. His arms went around me and his lips settled against the pulse point at my neck. “I told him I’d talk to you about it.”
“It’s your decision,” I said with a laugh.
Hawke turned me in his arms. “It’s our decision, Tate,” he said firmly. “I want us to be a family.”
I swallowed hard as my throat closed up. But I must have been quiet for too long because Hawke dropped his arms. “You don’t want that, do you? This was just a visit-”
I grabbed Hawke and kissed him to shut him up. His fingers were biting into my upper arms where he was holding on to me when I released him and I whispered, “I want it. God, I want that so badly.”
Hawke let out a rush of air and then he was wrapping his arms around me. “I missed you so much.”
“Me too.”
He pulled back enough so that he could look at me. “The stuff I said about not seeing you-”
I shook my head and placed my fingers over his lips. “I know you do,” I said. “You never have to hide her from us, Hawke. You never have to hurt by yourself when you think of her or your little boy. You can share them with us as much or as little as you want.”
