My mouth felt dry at the same time that heat flashed through my entire body. Tate loved me? I was so overcome that I almost didn’t notice Tate shaking his head as he reached for the handle. I was on him in two strides and I slammed the door shut before he could open it all the way.
“No,” I snapped angrily. “You don’t get to say that to me and then just walk away!”
I pushed away from Tate and took several steps back as I tried toget control of my emotions. A maelstrom of them were going through me all at once. Joy, dread, confusion, fear.
Bone-wrenching fear.
Because I absolutely and completely believed Tate. And because it changed nothing. Except that I was going to end up hurting him again.
“It doesn’t change anything, does it?” Tate asked quietly, eerily voicing my own thoughts.
“No,” I finally managed to say.
“You could have something different, Hawke. With me…with Matty,” Tate whispered desperately.
I felt like I was having a panic attack as the pain in my chest increased. Why the hell hadn’t I just let Tate go after he’d made his admission?
“I can’t just let her go, Tate,” I said with a shake of my head. “What if every time I looked at you, all I saw was her? What if I only see the child I should have had when Matty’s talking to me about something? He deserves better than that. You both do.”
“We do,” Tate agreed. “Goodbye, Hawke. Just…just stay safe, okay?” Tate said, his voice breaking as he turned back to the door.
I shook my head in disbelief at what was happening. And I knew in that moment that I wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t ready to tell him that I did love him. I wasn’t ready to tell him how much I wished there was a place in my life for him and his son. But more than anything, I wasn’t ready to let him go.
I closed the distance between us and used my body to press Tate’s front against the car door. “Don’t,” I whispered in his ear as I wrapped my arm around his chest and dragged him back against me.
Tate was shaking in my hold as his hands came up to grab my forearm where I was holding him, but he didn’t try to push me away.
“One more night, Tate,” I begged, wrapping my other arm around his waist. He stiffened against me and I knew it was because I hadn’t told him what he needed to hear. What I was asking was cruel, but I couldn’t will myself to watch him walk away. I couldn’tbear the idea of not feeling his body beneath mine one more time. I couldn’t not taste him again.
The last time I’d begged for anything was the night I’d been in that ER watching Ronan work on my wife. And my desperation was just as clawing now as it had been then. “Please, Tate.”
Tate let out a harsh sob and then he nodded and turned his head and searched out my lips. My whole body went weak with relief as Tate twisted in my arms until he was facing me and crushed our mouths together. And then his arms went around my neck and he buried his face against the crook of my shoulder. “I love you so much. So much, Michael.”
I wanted so badly to say the words back.
But I couldn’t.
I just fucking couldn’t.
So I did my best to show him.
Chapter 22
TATE
The only thingHawke grabbed besides my hand after I’d whispered my admission for the second time was his bag from his truck. He released me long enough to unlock the front door and I barely managed to close the door behind me before he dragged me up the stairs. The second we were in his room, his mouth sought out mine and the last of my tears dried up as he made love to my mouth. As heartbroken as I was that he would never love me back, I needed Hawke more than I needed my pride. I’d pick up the pieces tomorrow. Tonight I would take enough of him to see me through the times in my life when I needed to pretend again.
I lifted my arms as Hawke tugged my shirt off and then I was reaching for his. Our mouths barely parted as we undressed one another and the second I was naked, Hawke maneuvered me to the bed and turned on the small lamp on the nightstand. But instead of laying me on my back, he urged me to lie down on my front and then he was hovering over me, his warm body blanketing mine. He kissed me for a long time before lifting up just enough so that he could kiss the back of my neck. As impatient as my body was for more, I loved every second of what he was doing to me. It was like he was worshiping me as he placed unhurried, gentle kisses all alongmy shoulders, collarbone and neck. And then his lips were trailing down my spine and I felt the goosebumps rise on my flesh as he grazed his nails over my back as he worked his way lower. I expected him to stop once he reached the globes of my ass, but he didn’t. He just kept kissing me and didn’t stop until he’d reached my feet. As turned on as I was, my body also felt boneless and I didn’t protest when his hand closed over my hips and dragged me backwards until my ass was hanging off the bed, my feet flat on the floor.
Hawke split me open, but there was no lube pressed against my entrance, no finger seeking entry. Just cool air. I glanced over my shoulder at him and saw that he was staring at where he was holding me open. I looked at him questioningly and then held my breath when he licked his lips and suddenly dropped to his knees behind me.
There was no way he was going to…
But that was exactly what he did. I gasped when I felt his tongue tentatively flick over my hole. I’d never had anyone do this to me before and I had no idea what to expect. I’d never even been sure it was something I wanted because the idea of someone like Reggie rimming me had been a huge turn-off. And I definitely wouldn’t have thought someone who was just starting to explore another side of his sexuality would do anything so intimate.
But after the first soft caress, another one followed, then another. And it wasn’t just the tip of Hawke’s tongue that was exploring me. His whole tongue, lips, teeth, they all worked together to put me in an agonizingly blissful haze of sensual pleasure. I felt fingers drifting over my cock and balls and then Hawke fisted my shaft as he continued to play with my hole. I gripped the bedding in between my fingers as the coil of need inside of me started to grow. And then I felt it…Hawke’s tongue probing my hole more forcefully. Before I could even consider what was happening, I felt it push into me and I cried out at the sensation. Hands clamped down on my hips to hold me still, but that didn’t stop me from trying to push back farther on the tongue that was thrusting in and out of me.
