“I know of a couple more places we can look,” I said.
Hawke cast me a glance and nodded, but he didn’t look reassured. And in truth, I suspected our luck wouldn’t improve. And while I’d dreaded the prospect of having to confront Buck and Denny, the idea of Hawke not being able to find the closure he so desperately needed actually bothered me more.
I ended up being right.
After we left the trailer, I directed Hawke to several different locations including the two places Buck had used as meth labs. The first had clearly been abandoned some time ago and the second had been obliterated by what I suspected had been an explosion. We’d checked out a couple of bars Buck had often frequented and while one had gone out of business, the other had been open. But instead of going inside, Hawke and I had sat in his truck across the street and watched people come and go for nearly two hours before he’d started the car up. And not once had he spoken even a single word to me.
As Hawke drove us to a motel on the outskirts of town, I tried one last time to draw him out by saying, “There are a few places we can ask around tomorrow.”
Hawke didn’t respond in any way and I could see his angersimmering just under the surface. Once we reached the motel, I followed him inside to check in because it was the same motel where Reggie and I had hooked up at on a couple of occasions and I was hopeful the owner would know something about Buck and Denny’s whereabouts. But I didn’t recognize the woman behind the check in desk and when I asked if she was new, she said she and her husband had just bought the place a couple months earlier. When I asked about the Buckleys, she had no idea who I was talking about.
Once we were in the room, Hawke began getting a few things out of his bag. I was unpacking my own things when he handed me his credit card.
“Order something for dinner if you’re hungry. I’m going to take a shower. Don’t answer the door. I’ll be out before the food gets here.”
I flinched at his cool, dismissive tone, but I took the credit card and set it down on the nightstand. I listened as the shower came on and I couldn’t help but think of how eerily reminiscent it was of the night before just before Hawke had fucked me. I used the time to call Matty, but as happy as I was to hear his excited rundown of the costume parade, I couldn’t escape the dread I felt that Hawke was pulling away from me again. I’d been so sure after he’d kissed me for the second time in the trailer that maybe something had changed for him, but now I wasn’t so sure.
After hanging up with Matty, I called the front desk and asked for the number of a restaurant that would deliver. I ordered a pizza along with a couple of sodas and then searched out the remote control for the television. When Hawke came out, I turned the TV down and said, “I ordered a pizza. It should be here in about twenty minutes.”
“Fine,” was all Hawke said, not even sparing me a glance.
I grabbed my bag and went to the bathroom where I took my time showering and by the time I returned to the main room, the pizza was sitting untouched on the table by the door and Hawke was slouched on the far side of his bed, his back to me. I could tell he was holding something in his hand and I had my suspicions as to what it was. They were confirmed a second later when he cast aglance over his shoulder at me and I saw the picture frame. He leaned down, presumably to put the picture in his bag, and I turned away and busied myself with putting my own bag away.
“You should eat something.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the order.
“What?” Hawke asked testily.
“Nothing,” I murmured.
“You’ve got something to say, just say it.”
My own anger was growing but I forced it back and said as evenly as I could, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Fucking Christ,” Hawke snapped, but he didn’t say anything else and that in itself sent me over the edge. I spun around to find that Hawke was in the same exact position and the fact that he wasn’t even looking at me pissed me off even further.
“You know what Hawke, fuck you!”
That got his attention and he looked over his shoulder at me, but I found that I didn’t give a shit at the cold look in his eyes. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to come here?” I ground out. “I left behind my son! I came back to a place that has a starring role in my worst nightmares! I’m risking coming face to face with the two men who took nothing but pleasure in tormenting me for nearly my entire life! And I did it all for you!”
Hawke stood up and came around the bed, his big frame stiff with unspent anger. “You did it because you felt indebted-”
“I did it for you!” I yelled. “You want to treat me like some cheap fuck, fine! You want to take your frustration out on me, then fucking do it! But don’t do what you did to me in that trailer.” I hated that my voice broke at the last part, but I held my ground as Hawke closed the distance between us. I felt raw and exposed and I suddenly wished I’d just kept my mouth shut.
“What did I do in the trailer?” Hawke asked, his voice softer now. But when he reached for me, I yanked my arm out of his reach and stepped back. He just kept coming at me though, and I had nowhere to go once the backs of my legs hit the bed.
“Don’t,” I managed to get out as Hawke’s body crowded mine.
“Don’t what?” Hawke whispered, his voice strained.
“Don’t pretend like you care,” I finally said and I was helpless to prevent the pleading that crept into my voice.
Hawke studied me for a long time before he leaned down and put his mouth next to my ear. I was trembling with need long before he even spoke.
“One thing you should know about me…I don’t pretend,” Hawke said, his lips skimming the sensitive skin just behind my ear. He wasn’t touching me anywhere else, but he may as well have been because my whole body was drawn up tight with excitement. “And Tate?”
When he didn’t continue, I drew back enough so I could look him in the eye.
