I ignored the challenge in Hawke’s tone and went to kneel down next to Matty. He looked tired, but seeing the smile on his face had me feeling marginally better. “Hawke said we’re going on a trip,” Matty repeated, almost hopefully. I bit back the tears that threatened to fall as I thought about the many days of pain my son would have to endure in the coming months.
“Yeah, we are. Would you like to go meet Hawke’s friends?”
Matty nodded. “He said they have a really cool dog. His name is Bullet,” Matty said with a laugh.
I smiled and then reached out to press my hand against Matty’s forehead. “How are you feeling this morning?” I asked.
“My belly hurts a little,” he said. “There’s another one, Daddy,” he said softly as he pulled his shirt up to show me yet another bruise on his abdomen.
I nodded slowly while I tried to find the strength to speak. “I know, buddy. But the doctors know how to fix it now so you won’t get any more.”
“Is it gonna hurt like yesterday?” Matty asked, his voice dropping.
“No,” I lied as I pulled him into my arms. “But we’ll talk about that later, okay? Why don’t you go watch some cartoons for a bit and then we’ll get ready to go so we can meet Bullet, okay?”
I felt Matty nod against my neck before pulling free of me. To my surprise, he ran over to Hawke and threw his arms around the man before Hawke could even react. Hawke stiffened and tried to hold himself back from the contact, but then I saw the slightest relaxing of his body as he wrapped an arm around Matty’s small frame.
“Here, you can play with him for a while,” Matty said as he thrust Spiderman into Hawke’s hands before leaving the kitchen. I heard the TV come on a few seconds later. I reached for the dishes on the table and began cleaning up.
“The bruises?” I heard Hawke ask.
My entire body ached from exhaustion and I found myself leaning against the kitchen counter, my stinging eyes focused on the dingy tile backsplash over the sink. “A symptom,” I answered. “They were the reason I took Matty to the pediatrician a few days ago. He sent us to a specialist.”
“And you got the diagnosis.”
I let out a strangled laugh. “I didn’t believe him. I knew it was a mistake so when he said I needed to take Matty to the hospital for tests, all I could think was that they were going to look like fools when they told me they’d screwed up in telling me my kid had cancer.”
I began washing the few dishes in the sink. “Other kids get cancer. Not mine.” I sucked in a breath. “Then the oncologist starts talking about chemotherapy and stem cell transplants and I just lost it.”
I heard the chair scrape back and then Hawke was leaning against the counter next to me. I kept my eyes on the dishes in the sink, but at some point I’d stopped cleaning them. “My little boy has cancer,” I whispered in disbelief. At some point tears had started to slip from my eyes, but I was powerless to move as the enormity of what was happening hit me all over again.
“You said they got it early,” Hawke said, his voice soothing. How could one man be so terrifying one moment and so gentle the next?
“I…I saw the bruises a few weeks ago. I thought he got them from playing too rough,” I whispered. I looked at Hawke who was standing much closer to me than I’d realized. “I should have taken him to the doctor that day…what if those three weeks-”
“He’s going to be okay, Tate,” Hawke said firmly and I closed my eyes when I felt his big hand settle on my back between my shoulder blades. His palm rested there for a moment before drifting up to settle over my right shoulder and he squeezed gently.
The move unlocked something inside of me and I let out a hoarse sob. “I can’t lose him!”
I didn’t resist as Hawke pulled me to him and when I felt his broad chest pressed against my cheek, I began crying in earnest as Ifinally got what I’d needed for so long. I wrapped my arms around him and held on for dear life as I let out all the fear and uncertainty that had hounded me in the two years that I’d taken Matty and escaped the life that had been drowning me.
“Daddy?”
I pulled back from Hawke’s hold to see Matty standing next to us, his big eyes pooling with tears. Before I could even react, Hawke was picking him up. “He’s okay, Matty. He just needs a really big hug, okay?”
Matty nodded as Hawke handed him over to me. Matty wrapped himself around me like a monkey and I let go of another round of sobs when he whispered, “It’s okay, Daddy. I’ll take care of you,” into my ear.
I wasn’t sure how long I held him for, but at some point we ended up sitting in one of the kitchen chairs. Matty sat back so he could study my face. “Love you lots,” he whispered and I let out a choked laugh.
“Forever and ever,” I responded. It was a saying we’d come up with, though I couldn’t remember where we’d gotten it from. It had just…been. Like me and Matty. One day we were strangers, the next we were family. It had just happened.
“I’m okay now,” I said to him as I used a dish towel that had magically appeared on the table in front of me to wipe away my tears. “Why don’t you go finish watching your cartoon?”
Matty nodded. He looked over his shoulder at Hawke who had returned to the chair across from us. I spared the man a glance and was surprised to see what I was sure I hadn’t last night…compassion.
“I think Daddy needs Spidey,” Matty said in all seriousness to Hawke. “He’s sad.”
Hawke nodded and pushed the doll across the table so Matty could reach it. He grabbed it and handed it to me. I was too emotional to speak so I gave him a nod and then pulled him back against me for another hug. His hold on me was unfailing and unhurried and I wondered again how I’d been lucky enough to have this kid in my life.
