Unbidden, like my body moved before my brain gave it permission, I stepped forward, my gaze meeting his again.
Was he offering what I thought he was?
Could I take it?
No.
Shaking my head, I retreated again. I couldn’t—wouldn’t. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, least of all myself. Sure, Icouldhave done it. Could’ve walked right over to him, pressed myself against the hard planes of his chest, and lost myself in him. Let that be enough.
But the problem was—itwouldn’tbe enough. When it came to Lane, there was no sex without love. There never had been. And after my rape, I’d become entirely unable to disentangle the emotion from the act. I couldn’t give my body to someone I didn’t trust implicitly, and I couldn’t trustmyselfin this situation. I couldn’t play fast and loose with my heart when it wasn’t entirely whole.
Not when I couldn’t have his to fill the void of handing mine over.
So instead, I mumbled, “Thanks.”
What I was thanking him for was anyone’s guess.
Lane’s voice was soft but flat when he replied. “I’ll be in my office if you need anything.”
Nodding, I turned on my heel and headed for the door to the basement, not bothering to change into more indoor exercise appropriate clothing, desperate to get as far away from him as possible and collect myself.
I’d been workingas a paramedic within the Dusk Valley Fire Department since I was twenty-two years old. After my rape, I’d dropped out of college. While I’d been in school to become a physical therapist, I’d been unable to face that place any longer, unable to remain on campus knowing I could run intohimat any moment.
Luckily, the next paramedic training course began right around the time I’d been pulling myself out of the darkest depths of my despair later that spring, so on a lark, desperate forsomethingto throw my energy into, I signed up.
As it turned out, I was really fucking good at it, and I loved it. Once I completed the program, I lucked out again when a position opened in Dusk Valley. I rented the house I now owned, started my job, and the rest was history.
It seemed as if, in the wake of my rape and everything that piece of shit had taken from me, the universe was trying to set things to rights by providing me with these perfect opportunities.
That morning, and as usual, I was one of the first members from second shift to arrive. I relieved the paramedic in charge, officially taking over my post for the day. Over the next twentyminutes, my partner, Thomas, and the firefighters trickled into the house.
There was one in particular I wasn’t looking forward to facing, and he wasted no time showing me exactly why when he arrived.
“Cap,” I said brusquely, trying to brush past him in the common room.
“Rausch,” Crew replied, a stupid smirk on his face. “Hear you’re living with my brother now.”
Several heads snapped in our direction, intrigued by the comment, but I shot them all death glares and they turned away.
“It’s only temporary while my house gets fixed up.”
I had no idea whenthatwould happen. As of now, the place remained a crime scene, and I couldn’t get a crew in there to make repairs until the sheriff’s department released it. But Crew didn’t need to know that.
Hedefinitelydidn’t need to know I’d been the one to ask if I could stay with Lane, and not the other way around.
The grin on his face widened.
I’d always liked Lane’s youngest brother, but right now, I wanted to punch him in the face.
“Don’t you have a brother in Boise?”
“Fuck off,” I seethed, tossing him my middle finger as I breezed from the room. Snickers from the other guys followed me out.
Before I made it too far, a loud buzzer filled the air, followed by a beep and the nine-one-one dispatcher calling me and Thomas to a scene.
I raced out onto the apparatus floor where the trucks and our ambulance were parked, getting into the passenger seat. I’d barely closed the door before Thomas opened his and slid in behind the wheel.
With the whir of the lights and sirens, we pulled out and headed across town.
