I smiled and returned it before placing one fist into my palm to ground myself.
With my back still against the wall, I spotted Love and her ex-husband, Juwon, sitting together near the front, close but not touching, like two people who knew exactly how to behave in public. They hadn’t turned around or noticed me yet.
Juwon had been in Yana’s life since the day she was born. Princess met him in college, and after what she called a “longfriendship,” he proposed to her. They decided together to raise Yana as his. Yana hadn’t known that he wasn’t her real father for as long as I hadn’t known I was her father.
I felt myself get that strange, familiar twist in my gut when I saw them together. I could never tell if I was jealous of him having the life I missed out on, or if it was fear that it could never be mine. Whatever it was, it always flared up, even when I told myself not to let it.
I walked up the aisle when the applause began. Each step was purposeful and full of pride as I made my way to the front of the stage. I clapped harder than anyone around me, with my chest tight and my gaze on Yana.
That was my baby. I’d learned to love her as if no time had passed between us.
When the play was over, I followed the crowd outside. The air buzzed with voices and movement as we waited for the cast to exit the building the way they did on Broadway. The kids poured out, most still in costume, with their parents shouting names, phones already up.
I leaned against the building and tried not to look like myself for once, but it didn’t work.
“There he is!”
“I told you her dad was gonna be here!”
“Waddup, doe, Westside Zay!”
“Can I get a picture?”
The voices of those who recognized me grew louder, and I watched the crowd split into two: one for the high school cast, and a smaller one for me.
I didn’t think I would ever get tired of the crowds or the recognition, but when it came to stealing the thunder from my daughter, something inside of me stirred.
“Aye, aye, everybody, what’s up, what’s up?” I stated to the crowd, being sure to keep my tone neutral. I quickly signedautographs and smiled for pictures as the crowd got shorter. As many times as I had come to this school, there were still always people who wanted a picture.
I finished signing another autograph, and as I looked up to smile for a picture, I spotted Princess through the crowd. I just so happened to catch the moment her eyes landed on me. Her face shifted. She was surprised at first. Then, she smiled. That same smile she used to give me back in Detroit when I would climb through her bedroom window, the one she tried not to give me anymore.
When the flash from the camera went off, I politely thanked everyone around me and walked through the crowd in her direction. Our eyes never left each other. When we were close enough, I stopped in front of her. She spoke before I could.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming.”
“I didn’t know if I’d make it,” I said. “Didn’t wanna promise.”
I hadn’t even noticed he was close until Juwon stepped beside her. With his jaw tight, he nodded.
“She killed it.”
“Yeah,” I said, eyes still on Princess. “She did.”
There was a short, awkward silence between the three of us, where nobody quite knew what to say next.
When Juwon adjusted the flowers in his hand, it made me realize I hadn’t brought anything. It wasn’t even the fact that I hadn’t, but more of not even having the thought to bring anything that hit me like a punch in the gut. I couldn’t help but give it to him. He was better at this dad thing than I was.
I was relieved when Yana burst through the crowd. Cheeks red from blushing and smiling, her energy spilled everywhere.
“Did you see me?”
I crouched immediately. “I heard every note!”
She hugged me hard, like she’d been holding it in. After what seemed like an hour in heaven, she let me go.
Juwon stepped forward and handed her the flowers. “You were amazing.”
“Thank you,” she said politely, but her eyes flicked back to me.
