The optometrist keeps speaking, but it might as well sound like rushing water in my ears. I haven’t heard a word beyondlegally blind.What does that mean? Am I now officially disabled? More questions fire off in my head faster than when the guys light the lamp in practice.
“Mr. Hall?”
I blink. “Um, sorry. I missed most of that.”
“I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.”
Yeah,because youcan see,and I can’t.Of course you’re limited to your imagination.I can’t fathom working a job where I have to deliver life-altering news and I can’t even sympathize with the person. Sure, a lot of eye doctors wear glasses or contacts, but none of them are legally blind.
“I need to go.” I rush to my feet.
“Mr. Hall, I’d like to talk to you more about this.”
“For what?” My hands flop to my side. “I’ve already had an occupational therapist modify my home. You’re going to get me glasses so I don’t trip and embarrass myself. My job will send me where all great hockey players go—out of sight.” I scoff at the irony in the phrase. “What more is there to say? My eyesight is bad enough for you to deem me legally blind.Blind!”
All of a sudden the fight drains out of me. “I really don’t think there’s anything more to discuss.” My voice is flat. I feel flat ... flattened.
“Why don’t we discuss this more when you’re able.”
“For what?” I whisper.
“Do you want a support group contact, Mr. Hall? Will that help?”
“Will it bring my sight back?”
“No, but it will help you learn how to make the most of it.”
An average answer for the average patient. This doesn’t affect her so why should she bother to empathize? Sympathy is probably all I’m going to get out of her, and that looks too much like pity right now.
I leave without another word, and she doesn’t call out any protest.
Looks like I was right to worry about this appointment. Being legally blind isn’t going to earn me any favors, and it sure as heck won’t make my life rosy and bright. I have no choice but to go through life with a dim view.
And maybe that means Val will remain out of reach and only a friend.
Don’t be choosy. She’s the best friendyou have. Accept that and move on.I don’t want her to close the door to our friendship. I’ll just tell her that I was mistaken about my feelings. Mistook her kindness for like.
But even my insides tell me how wrong that is.
24
Val
I pour soil into the raised planter sitting in the community garden I’m starting. I smile in satisfaction as the smell of dirt hits my nose. Though March is still clinging to a winter chill, there’s a warming in the air that lets me know planting new flowers and plants isn’t too far off. I’m merely waiting for the weather to stop doing its dance from cold to warm to cold again before I actually plant seeds.
Still, today is a sign of things to come. The sky is clear and a dazzling blue and hasn’t totally made its descent into nightfall though afternoon has passed. We hit sixty-five today, and after being in thirty-degree weather with an even colder wind chill, the temperature feels positively decadent.
Too bad my mood doesn’t match the weather. I didn’t hear from Jabari at all after his appointment. I thought about messaging him, but respecting his alone time is more important. Still, curiosity burns. What did the optometrist tell him? Is his vision worse off than they believed? Is it declining? Or maybe the news was so good it sent him into shock.
My head shakes automatically at that last thought. If Jabari received good news, I have no doubt I’d be one of the first people to find out—and quickly. No, the fact that it’s been radio silence since yesterday tells me how hard the news was for him. He doesn’toften show his pain, but I can’t help but remember the tears from when he cried.
How broken he seemed. Not in a never-coming-back kind of a way, but in the heartrending, soul-splitting pain one can go through. I’ve never experienced something so horrendous, but it’s not that hard for me to imagine either.
Probably why I’m out here exerting all my energy. If I can exhaust my body, maybe I’ll exhaust my mind. Or maybe it’ll push beyond my body and continue thinking.
Jabari confessing his feelings is another thing taking up space in my mind. All I can picture is the attitude Jackie showed at lunch. There was so much anger and hostility brimming in her. I’m not sure if seeing him triggered old hurts or if she never healed from the initial wounds. But knowing that Jabari gave me a different account of events has me wondering where her misplaced victim mentality stems from.
I want the sister who lets me express all my frustration and gives me good advice. I want the sister who watches old rom-coms and giggles with me over some of the cheesy—but still quite romantic—lines spoken in the movies. I want the sister who will go to bookstores with me, knowing I’ll go shopping with her in turn. I miss our friendship and hate the distance between us.
