“Do you ever wonder if her account of their breakup is true?” Fran asks.
I nod slowly. “I asked Jabari about it.”
“And?” Fran sits back down. “Did she lie?”
I don’t want to throw my sister under the bus, but after talking with Jabari and hinting about things with Jackie at lunch, I know she lied. But to what extent? “I don’t have her full side.”
“We all got her side ad nauseam.” Fran snorts. “Jumped on the hate Jabari Hall bandwagon without a second thought. I never believed Jackie a hundred percent because she’s always lying about something. It’s like she’s only capable of giving ten percent truth to any story she tells.”
I mean, I don’t think Jackie isthatbad, but she does like to embellish a little. It’s only with Jabari that I’ve now been willingto call her out on it. Yet I still don’t think that makes it right to go out with her ex.
But what aboutwhat you want? Youlikehim.
“Don’t let her win this time, Val.”
“Is it always about winning? Can’t I just want the truth and peace?”
Fran shakes her head, a sorrowful expression on her face. “Truth doesn’t always bring peace, but it does show you what’s right. I should’ve never slept with Derrick, yet I did. That’s the truth. It’s not going to bring me peace because I was in the wrong. But knowing that Jesus will forgive me, that’s where true peace lies. It’s not earthly, and it’s not temporary.”
She takes a sip of her tea. “Giving in to Jackie is not peace. It’s burying truth to temporarily avoid conflict. Be bold. Explain how things are going to be, or miss out on a potentially great relationship.”
“How do I know it’ll be a good relationship? And what about sister code?” Everything is so jumbled up inside. My brains feel completely scrambled.
“Did sister code keep her from lying to us?”
I hate that Fran is right. Being on the outs with anyone tears me into knots. Knowing Jackie doesn’t want to speak to me right now hurts my soul. But I can accept the wisdom Fran is sharing. It’s like becoming pregnant has suddenly matured her.
“I still don’t know if it’s worth the risk.”
“Then go out on a date with him,” Fran urges. “It’ll be different than Valentine’s because you’re not going in blind. If it’s everything you imagined or more, carefully consider that Jackie’s in the wrong. You do have a right to experience a great relationship with someone who likes you.”
“You’ve turned wise overnight,” I joke. My mind is reeling with every bit of knowledge my little sister shares with me. I want to ignore some of her words, but I can’t.
“Think about it.” She stands and heads to her room, so I go to mine.
As I lay staring at my ceiling, I think of what Fran said of the fiasco at lunch and my conversation with Jabari.
What do I do,Lord? I likeJabari,but being more than friends seems like a minefield.Please just tell me what to do,and I’lllisten.
Then again, if God tells me to take a leap of faith, will I? The very thought tenses my whole body. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I wish I could be more like Fran. More like Jackie.
Okay, so maybe not more like Jackie in this instance. But I’ve always admired how she goes after what she wants with all the confidence I lack. Can I find it within me to be bold, like Fran suggested? I’ve been overlooked for so long and for so often, I don’t even recognize what I want half the time.
What do you want,Val?
A picture of Jabari’s face immediately pops into my mind. I’ve never been so comfortable around a guy before. I don’t have to pretend to be more than and don’t have to make myself less than. He lets me occupy space and just be. I can’t help but wonder what that would be like if we enter into a romantic relationship. Will that comfort flee, or will it only increase?
You know there’s onlyone way to find out,right?
I do. But the real question is, Am I brave enough?
23
Jabari
My arms go up and down as I work my biceps in my home gym. I’ve got an appointment with the optometrist in two hours, and the only thing keeping me sane right now is going through the lift routine that Coach puts us through. I’m not sure that it’s helping because my gut is filled with regret knowing I can’t work out with the guys in the arena any longer. Being banned from practices literally feels like being kicked when down.
I set the free weights back on the rack, then grab another pair to work on my triceps. The movements are total muscle memory, allowing my brain to think about my conversation with Val last week, then the one I had with Mom this morning before she left.
