Angry tears threatened to blur my vision, so I cleared my throat. “Scalpel,” I said in my most stern voice.
Unfortunately, this surgery couldn’t be performed laparoscopically, since the bone had broken through the skin. I needed to widen the opening and get in there to set thebone. I pushed thoughts of my family out of my head and concentrated on the patient in front of me. He deserved my full attention no matter what the others in the room were thinking. I didn’t know if they were pitying me, and frankly, that didn’t matter at the moment.
Focus. You’ve done this surgery hundreds of times. You’ve got this.
By the time the patient was ready for stitches, sweat dripped down my back despite the freezing temperature in the room. I stepped back. “Suture and send him to recovery.”
“Yes, Dr. Kennedy,” Dr. Collier replied.
I left the room and removed my gloves and gown, tossing them in the correct bins. Then I scrubbed my hands and arms clean. Drying them, I left the OR and took in a deep breath, leaning against the nearest wall.
“Are you all right, Dr. Kennedy?”
I bit back a groan as my superior came to stand by me. “Just a little warm.”
“Ah yes, they never have the rooms cold enough, do they?” Dr. Cook’s brown eyes twinkled.
I’d always thought of him as fatherly. He had a perfect white beard that shone against his brown skin. He was a little portly in the middle. Not enough to have a true gut but noticeable against his lean frame. Still, his eyes always seemed to glint with merriment, and his tone was always kind.
“Not today.” I slipped off my cap, letting air hit my twists. Still, I felt too warm.
“I appreciate you returning to work.” He paused, as if gathering his thoughts. “But perhaps it’s too soon.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “Bereavement leave is only two weeks.”
“True, true. But upon further discussion with HR, you actually qualify for the Family Leave Act since you are nowguardian to your nieces. We can give you twelve weeks of unpaid leave to adjust.”
Twelve weeks?My blood pressure must’ve tanked, for I felt the color drain out of my face. I couldn’t stay home for twelve weeks with Cheye and Ash. I loved them dearly, but twelve weeks of proof that I was a failure as a caretaker was too much. I needed to stay busy. I had to provide for them and pay for two mortgages. I just couldn’t stay home for three months.
“I need to work,” I stammered out.
Dr. Cook studied me. “Perhaps, but I think at least another week at home with your nieces would do you some good.”
Cheyenne would certainly appreciate the time. She’d hated it when I’d left for work this morning. I hadn’t yet enrolled her in a school because I was still looking for the right place to live. So until then, she wasn’t in school, but fortunately, Chris offered to bring Cheyenne and Charlie to work with him. The hospital had a nursery available to staff employees, so Ashlynn was there now. But remembering Cheyenne’s glare when I’d walked out the door this morning still pierced my soul.
Why does every decision I make regarding the kids seem wrong?
“How about you submit the paperwork for another week, hm? Your team can handle things in your absence.”
I opened my mouth, then shut it. He wasn’t wrong. “Okay. You’ll need to get another surgeon to fill in for those patients who can’t wait any longer for treatment,” I said. Those people didn’t deserve to be rescheduled again. Three weeks was a lot of time to wait when you were in pain.
“Understood. I’ll take care of them myself if it comes to it.”
“I appreciate that, Dr. Cook.”
“Then off you go.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and headed for my office. I’d submit my paperwork, then drive home, well, to Chris’s house. Maybe having another week would give me some time to find a decent place for the girls and me. They needed a stable environment, especially considering how their world had upended. I’d contacted a real estate agent last week, but the first batch of houses she’d shown me were too far from work. Not to mention Ashlynn had cried the entire time we were viewing the homes.
After I picked her up from the nursery, Ashlynn blissfully fell asleep in her car seat as I drove back to Woodland Park. When I pulled up the gravel road, I took in Chris’s home. The place suited him perfectly. When he’d first mentioned a log cabin, I was thinking a one-story place backed into the woods. But this was three stories with wooded land standing like a backdrop.
I also wasn’t expecting just how much he lived a sustainable life. Sure, he’d mentioned collecting water, but I hadn’t considered how regular rolls of paper towels would be switched out with reusable terrycloth. Or how cloth napkins could be used in place of paper ones. Not to mention, he owned a compost bin and several recycle bins that made me pause any time I needed to throw something away to figure out which receptacle the item belonged in. And though he said I didn’t have to follow his lifestyle, what kind of person would I be if I just threw away a plastic bottle if he was collecting them for recycling purposes?
I was learning a lot from him and reexamining my own habits. I blew out a breath. I was tired of thinking. Tired of not feeling like my life was mine any longer. Everything had changed. I wasn’t resentful so much as ... hurt.
I thought about Chris’s prayers, how much they comforted me. Could I try doing that on my own? Try reaching out to Someone I wasn’t sure was there? That seemed ... offensive, but at the same time, I needed an answer.
“Are You there?” I whispered in the still of the car.
