Ellynn and Asher’s friends had come out in support. They’d expressed their sorrow and shared stories with me at the visitation the day before. When the fog lifted, I’d appreciate the anecdotes and company, but right then, I couldn’t process anything other than the fact that my sweet nieces had been robbed, and having me as a guardian was barely a consolation to their grief.
I’m not equipped to raise these precious children.
Ashlynn was so fussy, and I knew it was because I wasn’t her mother. She hated the bottle, hated how I smelled, and hated that my voice wasn’t Ellynn’s. Cheyenne helped, but she needed me to allow her to grieve and not to become a little mother to her baby sister. I knew that hardship, and I wanted to spare her.
But I also wanted to crawl back into bed, burrow under the covers, and hope I’d wake up from this nightmare.
My sister’s pastor said something about heaven, and my breath stayed trapped in my chest. There it was again. That word. That place. I’d never believed in such things, but Asher had introduced religion to Ellynn. She’d sent me a Bible and sermon or two (more like too many to count) in hopes I’d be converted. Honestly, I’d never watched any of the videos she sent nor cracked open the book. Guilt pierced me. My sister had wanted to share something with me, and I’d ignored her.
What else had I ignored, thinking I’d have time to do it later or simply that it was too unrealistic to spend my time on?
Chris believed in a heaven. He had to with the way he prayed. As if some being truly listened to him, truly cared what he said. The idea seemed unfathomable. If there was a God, why hadn’t He helped us when we were children? Why hadn’t He saved Ellynn and Asher? Saved their kids from being raised by me and carted off to Colorado?
Cheyenne probably thought our upcoming move cruel, but my life was in Colorado. I had commitments and couldn’t just abandon those even though my only sister had passed. I was fortunate my contract with the hospital even had bereavement leave.
And I was more than fortunate Chris had stayed with me through all of this. I’d never had a friend like him. I didn’t even really know how to make friends, so seeing him help me care for my nieces and helping me pack meant the world.
I still couldn’t believe that Tucker and Piper were here to help as well. They’d brought breakfast every day this week as well as boxes for us to load items into. Now the moving trailer was all ready for us to start the road trip back home. Chris had rented a truck with the perfect back seat for the girls. He’d also bought a cooler for us to store the breast milk and any snacks Cheyenne and I would need.
He was a ...godsend.
I’d heard that word before. Had been praised with it by patients’ family members after I performed particularly harrowing surgeries. I’d always shrugged the compliments off, but now I wondered ... could it be true? If God existed, did He really send me to help those families? And more importantly, had I met Chris at a time God knew I’d need a friend the most?
My head spun with too many questions and not enough answers.
An arm came around my shoulders. “Anything I can do?” Chris whispered.
“You’re doing it,” I murmured back. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.
Though I felt comforted, tears welled in my eyes. I couldn’t cry now. Not with so many people around me. Tears were for the dark of night when all slept and I gave myself permission to unleash the floodgates.
As if he understood, Chris withdrew his arm but offered a gentle smile.
A different time, maybe even a different place, I’d allow the feelings inside me to have free rein. Chris was one of those guys who made a woman reconsider her priorities. But now ... now I was a caregiver for two treasures. I didn’t have time to entertain romance. Not that he was actually offering that. We’d agreed to be friends, nothing more.
The service ended, and Chris turned to walk to the car. We’d decided against a repast after the funeral service. I didn’t want the girls to be overwhelmed. I’d had enough peopling and just wanted to be alone with my grief. Well, except for Tucker and Piper. They were supposed to come over and bring dinner—their offer.
Piper had found a management company who would look over the house for me until I figured out whether it would be sold. Ellynn’s lawyer confirmed they had a mortgage, which meant I should probably sell the place. I didn’t want to take over payments while also paying for my own condo in Colorado. But I didn’t know what to do with all their things.Worry about that in the future. For now, I’d pay their mortgage until I could figure everything else out, which meant I would definitely keep my leave to two weeks.
After settling Ashlynn in the Pack ’n Play, I went to find Cheyenne. Her room stood empty, so I moved on to the bathroom.Empty. Finally, I found her in Ellynn’s room, curled up in a ball on the bed, Charlie curled up right next to her. She had an arm around him, and her sniffles reached my ears and settled straight into my heart.
“Hey, Cheye, do you want some company?”
“I have Charlie,” she mumbled.
“Would you like me too?”
“Okay,” she said softly.
I climbed onto the bed and spooned her, rubbing a hand down her arm. She’d let me braid her hair this morning, and I had never been more thankful for all the practice I’d had on Ellynn’s hair. If I hadn’t, Cheyenne’s hair would closely resemble that of the ’80s singer Chaka Khan.
“Why’d they have to die?” Cheyenne’s small voice broke the silence.
“I wish I knew. I miss them so much.”
“Me too.” Cheyenne sniffed. “I don’t want to move.”
“I know, sweetie. I’m so sorry I live in a different state.” Was there anything I could do to help her through this? Should I consider moving to Kentucky?You have a contract to fulfill in Colorado.I bit my lip.
