Being with Ty makes me feel an ease I’ve never hadwith another person. Not with an ex. Or a friend. Not even with my family. As I fall back into my comforter, pulling one of those dumb beaded throw pillows over my face, I attempt to deny what I know has become the truth.
This place—Ty—has become a haven. A home.
A haze consumes me as I stare at the crystal light fixture overhead. Dolly curls into my side, and I prop up onto my elbows, mentally sorting through my new to-do list.
Repack my things. Bundle them up. Maybe keep the hangers if Ty will let me.
A muffled buzz emits from beneath Dolly, and I dig my phone out from under him. The text is from an unknown number—one that identifies itself as Mary’s son. My heart sinks as I begin to read.
Unknown Number
Hi Avery this is Scott McMurphy. Wanted to let you know that my mom—Mary—is in the hospital. She fell today at work and broke her hip. Wanted to let you know the shop will be closed for the coming week at least.
Me
Oh no… Is she okay?
Unknown Number
After surgery, she should be
My heart sinks. Sheshouldbe? This is not the news I would wish upon anyone, regardless of how crotchety they are. I try to steady my breathing and form a text. But my mind can’t help but surge back to this afternoon. If I’d been there, could I have changed the outcome? If I hadn’t beenso irresponsible, if I’d kept up with my emails… Would Mary be okay right now? Maybe she’d be knitting at home with her cat, not lying in some stiff hospital bed somewhere in debilitating pain. My heart aches for her. I know I’m only one person, but I was supposed to be there. I should have been there.
Hot tears form, and I toss my phone aside, pressing the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. If I just did what I said I was going to do, none of this would have happened. I know exactly what she did. She overexerted herself because I wasn’t there to hold up my end of the bargain. I was off doing my little cheerleader-dancer-bullcrap thing that I don’t even like anymore.
My chest squeezes as I admit it to myself and let the truth sink in.
I don’t like it anymore.
There’s a knock on my door, and I welcome Ty in. His beautiful lips part but before I can say anything else, I’m blabbering.
“I screwed up, Ty. Again. I wasn’t there. And because I wasn’t, Mary got hurt. She’s in the hospital and it’s all my fault. I had to go do the stupid dance stuff, and now here I am…” I sit up briefly, but when he comes closer, a confused expression contorting his face, I fall back onto the comforter. “Picking up trash wasn’t worth this.”
There’s a long pause, and if my eyes weren’t squeezed shut, I’m sure I’d see a very confused—very overwhelmed—Ty.
“I—” he begins but then pauses again. “I’m sorry, I just— Are you…”
Something buzzes, and then I hear my door crack openagain. When I sit up and look toward my doorway, he’s fidgeting with his phone. My body tenses.
Is Ty really about to leave me?
My nose stings as the tears continue to come. Another second passes before he shoves his phone back into his pocket and takes an unsure step forward. I try to smile up at him, but my lips wobble.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m a mess. No surprise there, I guess.” I force a laugh as I swipe my shaking hands beneath my eyes and attempt another smile. This time I try to show some teeth, but it’s only another lie. Another mask. Mary’s words resurface:A smile isn’t a solution, Avery.The weight of the sentiment presses in, nearly suffocating me. Why do I do this? I’m so tired of plastering on a happy face when my life more often than not is filled with disappointment and confusion.
“Don’t do that.” The bed dips under his weight as he sinks down beside me, a hesitant arm easing around me and cradling me into his side.
I give in, burying my face in his collarbone as he twists to face me. His breath catches in his throat as I cling to him like he’s the only thing that’s keeping me from drowning in my own tears. And maybe he is.
“Do what?” I mumble into the cotton of his shirt.
“Don’t blame yourself for an accident that was completely out of your control, for starters.” His arms tighten around me, his warmth a soothing antidote, slowing my tears. “It’s okay to have a frowny moment. Isn’t that what you said?”
I shrug, my shoulders sliding against his chest with the motion.
“Avery, look at me.” Ty’s big hands cup my cheeks as he tilts my face toward his. “It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to feel guilty sometimes. It’s okay if you aren’t smiling like a maniac 24/7.”
“A maniac?”
