Janelle was wrong. This wasn’t my nervous system seeking regulation. This was something else entirely, something I didn’t have a clinical name for and didn’t want one. Whatever this was, it was mine. And I was done letting anybody, therapist, trauma, or otherwise, talk me out of it.
31
MEHAR
Yesterday evening, after he ate my pussy off the bone, we went out to dinner to talk. I’d completely thrown caution to the wind and started opening up more and more to him. If this blew up in my face though…I was shooting him in his.
I know that sounds harsh but I cannot take another man playin’ with me again. I was not some doll to be plucked off the shelf, toyed with, head removed and thrown out once I got all battered and bruised.
There was something about Quest that I felt like I could trust. But I felt that way about Thad. At least it was established now. No one fucks with me and gets away with it.
Quest had secrets though. I could tell he’d been damaged in ways that are unspeakable. And just as he’s holding his cards close to his heart, I’m holding mine. I could never tell him that I spent my nights moonlighting as a dominatrix. He wouldn’t understand it. And with his possessive and protective nature, he wouldn’t be able tostandit.
But this is my body. These are my choices and I need this one thing that makes me feel the biggest and the baddest.
Today was a chill day for me. No school, no clients, and nothing on the schedule. I watered my plants, cooked a bigbreakfast—cheesy grits, salmon cakes and a yogurt parfait, cleaned the apartment and finally did a yoga session that I found on YouTube. And between every chore my brain indulged in the memory of Quest Banks between my thighs, tasting me like I was a decadent feast for a famished warrior. Like eating my pussy was a prize he fought for.
I wanted it again. And again.
Just as I was about to fill my time with something else to do to get my mind off of him, my phone buzzed.
It was Bryce texting me.
Bryce:Yo sis. I’m have b-day party at my apartment this weekend. It’s something real chill. You can meet Samaya. Come and bring Zainab.
Me:I’m there. Can’t wait to meet her.
Bryce:Coo ttys
I was happy that my little brother was back in my life. At some point maybe I’d have the strength to go to Baltimore and visit the rest of my siblings. I even missed my mom sometimes. But I didn’t want to talk to her until she was ready to leave Ahmad.
On second thought, maybe I should avoid Baltimore. I was just attacked by Lucian, who I could handle if need be. But it did feel good for Quest to stand up for me. And I knew that he didn’t plant Lucian there like Thad planted that guy to attack me that day after I left Sweet Zin.
My phone buzzed again. This time it was Quest.
Quest:You got something to wear for my grandma’s birthday?
Me:No. Haven’t thought about it yet.
Quest:Get dressed. I’m scooping you.
Me:For what?
Quest:Shopping. You need an outfit and I need to see you. Two birds.
Me:I’m a grown woman. I can handle a mall.
Quest:Good for you. Get dressed. 20 minutes.
I stared at the phone and shook my head because this man was relentless. But I was already in my closet pulling out jeans and a crop top before I’d even decided to say yes, which told me everything I needed to know about how far gone I was.
He pulled up in exactly twenty minutes. I got in the Maybach and he leaned over and kissed me on the mouth like it was the most natural thing in the world and I let him because it was starting to feel that way.
“You smell good,” he said.
“I just got out the shower.”
“Even better.”
