Chapter
One
Selah Murray
My head hurt and so did my chest. It felt like the equivalent of my entire world shattering and there being nothing I could do about it. Okay, so maybe I was being dramatic, my world wasn’t shattering, but the future I envisioned was. When I looked at him, I always saw how much love we shared and how happy we were, but I was so wrong. So fucking wrong. I lived in a fictitious world, romanticizing fiction. I didn’t see how wrong I was until now.
I brought the glass of Chardonnay to my lips and took a gulp. Usually I sipped, but tonight sipping wouldn’t do anything for this aching in my chest. I felt like a fool, like my head was in the clouds while he was doing his dirt.Fuck.
Tears streamed down my face as I set the glass down and picked my phone up. I shouldn’t have gone back to these messages, but I couldn’t help it. For the thousandth time today, I had to see it. I had to see why instead of being home with the dirtbag I called my man, I was here, halfway through a bottle of Chardonay, losing my fucking mind.
There the messages were again. This bitch had literally DMed my business page because apparently she wasn’t able to see mypersonal page. My life was private… unlike his. I only had two images up. One abstract of myself and the other of my first bakery.
hecums4me:You fuck with Knockout?
hecums4me:I’m cumin to you woman to woman because I saw him post you on his page. I been fucking Knockout for over three years. I have had two abortions and I just lost our last baby because I was fighting another girl he was fucking on new year’s day.
hecums4me:I don’t have any reason to lie. Ask him who Darla is.
hecums4me: [4 IMAGES]
hecums4me:And I’m not the only one either. Knockout is for everybody and he is tricking too.
hecums4me: [VIDEO]
My stomach twisted at the sight of the video of his backside, him asleep and her showing herself butt naked next to him.
hecums4me:Don’t believe me. Just don’t let that nigga lie to you either. He’s never gonna leave me alone.
hecums4me: [VIDEO]
hecums4me: [5 IMAGES]
“You gotta stop looking at that shit. It’s not gonna do anything but hurt you more.” My sister’s voice made me look up from my phone into her concerned eyes. Siyah was my best friend and apparently the only person to ever have my best interests in mind besides our mother and grandmother.
“I know. Shit, I know. I just don’t know how I can?—”
“You can get through this; it just hurts like hell right now.” She shook her head. “But I’m not about to let you sit back here and drown in your sorrows. You told me two months ago you felt like something was going on that you didn’t know about. Your gut told you that. You gotta trust it more, Selah.”
I laughed angrily because it had been way before then. Knockout acted like I didn’t trust him for unfounded reasons, making me feel crazy when this was why. I’d felt this way more than two months ago. Two months ago was just when I felt comfortable saying something. “Three years, Siyah. Three fucking years,” I repeated, sleeping my phone and setting it on the counter.
“Yeah, and god knows what else or who else.” She sighed.
Nathanial, as I called him, and I had been together for almost six years, since high school. We’d both gone to the same rundown ass high school in Watertown.
I blinked out of my thoughts, looking my sister over. She was angry and so was I. The only difference was my anger was paired with a pain so lethal I begged God to take it away. If he couldn’t, I needed him to take me away. It hurt too bad.
I blinked away a few tears and looked back up at my sister. It was taking everything in her not to ask what my next steps were. She knew like I did, right now I didn’t have any. I needed to either feel this or distract myself from it.
“I can’t sit in your office and drink myself into a coma and you can’t babysit me. Let’s go out front.” I pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear and stood. Then I grabbed my phone and stuffed it into my back pocket.
I felt her eyes before she spoke. “Are you sure you want to go out there?”
“Nah, I’m not, but I’m sure I can’t sit back here and drink my sorrows away. Gotta eat something and we were supposed to be doing that before this.”
“True. What I will say, and of course you can get mad at me later about it, you gotta get some get back. I ain’t saying fuck five niggas and drop a sex tape or anything like that but lay up under something new.”
“Siya—”
