"I know it probably sounds stupid to someone like you," she finally said, keeping her eyes on her food. "You've always had so many interests, so many things you're good at. If you lost one, you'd still have others."
Ben leaned back, his expression thoughtful. "That's fair. I can't pretend to know exactly how it feels to have the one main thing in your life taken away."
A strong sense of loss engulfed Amelia. Ever since the symptoms of whatever illness she had had overtaken her life, she’d experienced a lot of people not understanding first, her health struggles, and second, how much she was grieving.
But somehow, without even realizing it, she’d hoped that Ben would be the one to understand. That he’d be the one who would see her struggles and truly understand what she was going through.
She hadn’t known how much she’d longed for that, and then hoped that Ben would be that person for her. Except now, he was trying to help her see value in herself without understanding the depths of her grief.
No one understood how deeply she grieved the loss of her skating. The person she’d been when she skated.
She might not have technically experienced the death of someone close, but the loss of who she’d once been felt verymuch like a death. One she still hadn’t gotten over, even two years later.
She couldn’t deal with the disappointment she felt in Ben right then. The last thing she wanted was for him to see it, so she took a breath and looked at him again, taking in the earnestness of his expression.
He really wanted her to accept what he was saying, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t there yet, and she had no idea when she would be.
If only the words of others could propel her past the sorrow and pain she was in. But it didn’t work that way. At least not for her.
She didn’t know what it would take, except for time.
“How has your faith factored into what’s happened?”
Amelia’s grip tightened on her wrap, her fingers sinking into the soft shell. If there was one thing besides her health that she didn’t want to discuss, it was her faith.
She knew the answer she should give. It came from sermons she’d heard countless times about all things working out for good. Or that God had a plan for her life. Or maybe even the story of Job.
It had been easy in theory, but when reality had hit, the struggle was much harder. Her faith hadn’t been strong enough to sustain the demolition of her life and the decimation of her lifelong dreams.
“Amelia?”
At the sound of her name, Amelia realized she’d been staring off into the distance again. She looked back at him, then down at her wrap, lifting it to take a bite in hopes of buying herself a little more time.
Ben continued to eat his food, clearly willing to wait for her reply now that he had her attention again.
“It hasn’t been easy to reconcile it all in my mind,” she admitted. “But I’m still attending church.”
It was the one reason she’d continued to go to church. It was bad enough that everyone around her kept questioning her mental and physical state. She hadn’t wanted them to focus on her spiritual life as well.
“I was surprised that you were working there,” Ben said. “And that you were volunteering to serve coffee.”
“The job fits my life better than anything else, and I’m able to help Miss Marian out.”
“She wanted to go part-time?”
“Yes. Her daughter needed help with the kids, so Marian wanted to have afternoons free. It worked out well for me because mornings are not the best time of my day. I’m very grateful they gave me the job, considering I didn’t have any experience.”
“They must be happy with your work,” Ben said. “Since you’re still working there.”
“I’d like to think so,” she said. “But it could be that my connections also keep me there.”
“Your connections?”
Amelia gave a short laugh. “You know what I mean. One of my uncles is the son of the previous pastor. My whole family is involved in the church, not to mention my connection to your family.”
“I’m sure it’s more than just your connections that keep you there.”
Amelia wasn’t so sure, though she did try her best to do a good job. She hadn’t made any terrible mistakes that she was aware of.
