“Then what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I don’t want to live that way,” she said, looking down at her food. “I want to know that I can support the man I love and care for. Right now, I don’t think I’m in a position to do that.”
“You don’t need to be in a position to support me right now in order for us to be together. Relationships have times when one person needs more support than the other, and then there are other times when the reverse is true.”
“But we don’t know that I’ll ever be able to support you the way I want to.”
Ben felt the weight of truth in her words, and it brought with it a sense of dread.
“I don’t want to go into a relationship knowing that I could be a burden. That there would be times you needed support and I couldn’t give it to you.” She rubbed her fingers across her mouth. “And if there’s a need I can’t fill, what stops someone else from filling it?”
Ben jerked as if he’d been slapped. “You think I would cheat on you?”
“No. I’m just saying that I don’t like the idea that I might not be able to give you something you need, and that you would have to turn to friends and other family to have that need fulfilled.”
Ben didn’t know how to respond. How to convince her that whatever she could give him would always be enough.
“I need time to adjust to all of this,” Amelia said. “I need to know what I have to offer a relationship. Right now, it feels like nothing.”
“I don’t believe that,” Ben said.
“I know.” Amelia gave him a fleeting smile. “But it’s what I believe. Put yourself in my shoes. What if it had been my dad who had collapsed, and I needed to rush to his side? Would you have wanted to go with me?”
“Well, yes. Of course.”
“And if I told you that I didn’t think you were up to supporting me? How would that make you feel?”
“That’s…” Ben was about to say it was different, but he bit back the words. It might feel different for him, but he knew it wouldn’t feel different to her.
“Just give me some space and time,” Amelia said. “Just… I need to learn how to live with this diagnosis.”
Amelia's words hung in the air between them. Ben's chest tightened as he processed what she was asking for—space, time away from him. The very opposite of what he wanted.
"Will you at least keep me updated on how you're doing?" he asked, his voice rougher than he intended.
She hesitated, and when she did reply, it wasn’t with theyeshe wanted.
"I'm not saying goodbye forever, Ben. I just need time to figure some things out on my own."
He nodded slowly, trying to respect her decision even as everything in him rebelled against agreeing to space between them and time apart.
The remainder of their meal passed with stilted conversation, and then the evening ended far sooner than Ben had hoped.
The only positive thing had been the hug they’d shared before Ben had left her at the door of her apartment. It had been a hard moment for Ben, not knowing when—or even if—he’d be back in her life the way he longed to be.
But for the second time in his life, he did as Amelia asked and walked away. Only this time, he didn’t plan to cut contact the way he had as a teen.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Amelia let herself into her apartment, then leaned back against the door, her purse and bag sliding to the floor at her feet. She stayed there for a moment, then straightened to shrug off her jacket. After hanging it on the nearby hook, she made her way to the couch in the living room.
Dropping back into the comfortable cushions, she stared out the balcony sliding doors at the gray and dreary sky beyond. It had been a long day, and she was exhausted. But it wasn’t just her normal exhaustion. This went beyond that.
For the past few weeks, she’d been meeting with the pastor’s wife, who was a Christian counselor, to work through the mess of emotions she carried because of the situation with her health.
The previous week, Mrs. Simmons had given her a selection of short Bible passages to read every day. They were from the Psalms that David had written during his darkest hours. Those moments when he had questioned where God was.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
