The binder had brought with it a clarity that she’d still been resisting accepting. She had the diagnosis that had been so elusive, but she still didn’t want to accept that her symptoms were going to be a permanent part of her life.
There was no cure for what she had.
Amelia knew she had to move from enduring her life with the diagnosis to learning how to thrive with it. Thriving wouldn’t look the same as it once had, and that was part of why she’d struggled so much with her anger towards God.
But was she going to live her life steeped in anger?
Anger at God? Anger at her body? Anger at the disease that weakened her? Angry that she’d lost the future she’d dreamed of?
Amelia sighed. She didn’t want to live her life in anger and disappointment.
It would be too draining to continue to carry the anger while she dealt with the demands of her illness.
Amelia crossed her arms on the table and bent forward to rest her head on them.
Tears pricked at her eyes as she once again revisited the losses that she’d allowed to fuel her anger. Losses that were permanent. Parts of her she’d never get back.
The identity she’d carried for so long was gone, and she needed to accept it.
Amelia Madden, Olympic figure skating medalist, was no more.
Now she was simply Amelia Madden… part-time church secretary. Volunteer coffee server.
It hadn’t been about the fame and fortune. It had been her personal quest to be the best at the one thing she was good at.
Once she’d realized that she had a talent for skating, all she’d wanted to do was be the best she could be.
What was she supposed to be the best at now?
She couldn’t even be the best person to support Ben.
Tears slipped from her eyes, splashing onto the table beneath her arms.
She wanted to be there for him, but it was clear that she wasn’t able to.
Ben wouldn’t let her, even though he'd been so insistent that he wanted to be with her, diagnosis and all.
Amelia straightened and wiped at her tears. She checked her phone again—still nothing. The silence was unbearable.
She pushed herself up from the table, wincing as her joints protested the movement. A dull ache had settled into her body as she’d sat there.
Moving back inside, Amelia went into her bedroom and laid down on her bed, shifting around to get into the most comfortable position.
As she lay there, she prayed for Ben and his family. Especially Duncan. Though God hadn’t answered any of her prayers for herself, she hoped that He would answer her prayers for the Burke family.
She tacked on a prayer that God would help her let go of her anger.
Though she’d often been described as intense and reserved, Amelia had always felt joyful. Not only because of her skating, but just in life in general.
Even after the breakup with Ben, she’d still found joy in her life, though there had been moments of sadness when she’d missed him terribly.
But since she’d retired, there had been no joy. And she couldn’t continue living like that.
What sort of life would that be?
Maybe she wouldn’t have the big momentous things in her life to find joy in, like winning the Olympic or World Figure Skating gold medal, but there were plenty of other things in life that she could find joy in.
She’d been choosing to stay mired in what she’d lost, and it had been easy to do that when she hadn’t known exactly what was happening with her body. But now that she knew there was no hope of regaining her old life, she had a choice to make.
