Amelia hated to have to turn him down, but over the past couple of years she’d learned her limits. And it was best that Ben clearly see her limits as well.
At times, it seemed as though he thought they could just go back in time. But even if he was the same as he’d been in high school, she wasn’t.
There was no doubt in her mind after their beautiful evening on the boat that he wanted more than just friendship.
The kiss…
In the moment, she’d allowed it. She’d wanted it. She’d longed for the promise it held.
But in the cruel light of day, she knew she couldn’t inflict her new reality on Ben. He was a caring man, and he’d no doubt say that her health wasn’t a problem. That he would be there for her.
She couldn’t trap him using his caring nature, though. The diagnosis was going to control her life. It didn’t have to control his. Itshouldn’tcontrol his.
The memory of their evening on the boat came back to her. His handsome face illuminated by the exploding fireworks. His smile holding something special for her. And she tucked it deep into her heart.
She never wanted that smile to change into a grimace of frustration or a frown of annoyance if her health kept her from being able to do things with him.
She couldn't do that to him. Not to Ben.
With a weary sigh, Amelia pushed herself up from the floor, her joints protesting the movement after sitting in the same position for so long.
The binder with all its clinical information stared up at her from where it had fallen. She picked it up, running her fingers over the smooth surface. Everything she needed to know about her new life was contained within its pages.
Her phone buzzed again.
Ben:Okay, but please don't push yourself too hard. I'll see you at the clinic.
The kindness in his message made a lump form in her throat. She'd have to respond, but not now.
She set the binder on the table, then went to the bathroom. The face that stared back at her from the mirror was pale, with red-rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks. Her hair was in disarray, and she looked utterly exhausted.
"This is who you are now," she whispered to her reflection. "Accept it."
The words didn't bring her any comfort, but she had to start somewhere.
Acceptance was supposedly the first step.
She opened a drawer in the vanity and pulled out the eye drops she used to help with redness. Before applying them, she got a facecloth from the stack in the small cupboard next to the shower.
Turning the faucet to its coldest setting, she dampened the cloth, then wrung it out. She put eyedrops in each eye before going to her bed and lying down. After setting a timer for twenty minutes on her phone, she covered her eyes with the facecloth and prayed that the redness and puffiness from her tears would disappear.
The timer startled her when it buzzed, since she had drifted into a half-sleep under the cool compress. She removed the cloth from her eyes and blinked at the ceiling, gathering herself to face the rest of the day. Her head throbbed dully.
She pushed herself up from the bed and returned to the bathroom mirror. The redness had faded somewhat, though her eyes still looked tired. She'd have to use concealer to hide what remained. No one at the clinic needed to see evidence of her breakdown.
With careful, deliberate movements, she applied her makeup, taking care to hide the evidence of her tears. She focused on that, forcing her mind away from the morning's appointment and all it meant.
She'd spent years perfecting the art of appearing fine when she wasn't. That day would be no different.
After fixing her makeup, she changed into fresh clothes, choosing a loose-fitting blouse and a skirt that would be comfortable.
Since she hadn’t eaten much for breakfast, she took the time to fix and eat a ham and cheese sandwich.
All too soon, the clock on her phone showed it was time to head out.
Bracing herself for the looming interaction with Ben, Amelia let herself out of the apartment and headed for the church.
Though she was exhausted and emotionally bruised, she was determined to make it through the afternoon. But in order to do that, she was going to need to ignore the desires of her heart and do what was best for Ben. Even if he might not think it was.
