“Don’t make light of shit to hide how scared and worried you are. You’ve gotta be petrified.”
“Terrified?” I repeated. “Try absolutely mind-fucked. Literally, I don’t remember friends, family, dates, boyfriends, nothing. Not even my own children,” I spewed. Shotgun came alert at the wordchildren. “I have babies; they could walk past right now, and I wouldn’t know them. I’m surrounded by family who arefucking strangers. Nobody means anything. While it’s obvious they love me, I don’t love them. How can I? I’ve no clue who the fuck they are.
“I feel so damn guilty that they’re so relieved I made it, and I’m here. But who am I? Allegra Spalding. Well, who the hell is that? No idea. No idea what my likes and dislikes are. What my hobbies are or my job, although I’m supposed to be some hotshot photographer. Each morning, I wake up and wait for a sign, anything to hit me, and there’s nothing. I try to be brave, be happy, and positive because, hey, I’m right here, still breathing.
“But I’m not here. The Allegra you knew is reduced to this empty shell. The look in your eyes, even you, Shotgun, expect something that I don’t have to give.
“You think I’m terrified? I’m so far beyond that, I’m down the rabbit hole, and it’s an endless fucking drop! I’ve no control, no sense of self, I’ve got zilch, dude. The body of Allegra Spalding walked away, but she died in that accident. Make no mistake, the woman you’re all looking for isn’t here anymore.”
Shotgun held my gaze, and there was guilt there. “You don’t remember Rain or me?”
“The weather? What’s the importance of that?”
Shotgun closed his eyes. When he opened them, there was pain mixed with grief. “I’m so sorry, baby, the accident was my fault.”
Surprised, I stiffened. “What are you saying?”
“We’d had a fight that day…”
“Who are you?” I demanded. There was a detail he wasn’t mentioning. Shotgun’s gaze met mine, then drifted elsewhere. His unwillingness to admit something was evident.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Thatch roared as he barrelled into the room.
“I needed to see…”
Thatch was beyond incensed. My brother was furious. He shoved Shotgun violently, and Shotgun moved back a step.
“This! This! It’s on your head. Allegra phoned, sobbing, telling us what you’d threatened in the parking lot. That you’d get lawyers and to take her to court. Allegra told us how you accused her of shit, and then she was in an accident. She was crying so hard and crashed.”
“Wait, everyone said a deer ran out in front of me!”
Thatch turned to me. “It did. But the car behind wouldn’t have hit you if you’d been more alert. You weren’t aware because you were devastated by what this motherfucker had threatened youwith.” Thatch shoved Shotgun again, and he took it. There was guilt written in every line of Shotgun’s body.
“Thatch, I don’t understand,” I muttered, but an awful feeling was lodging in my gut.
“This asshole broke up with you, sis, claimed you lied about being knocked up to make him stay with you. Stated you were manipulating him and scheming when you were three months pregnant,” Thatch spat.
“What type of man says that?” I whispered, staring at Shotgun.
“One who made a bad judgement,” Shotgun offered, holding my eyes.
“That’s not a mistake. I’d like you to leave.”
“Allegra, we need to discuss the baby. Please, I’ve a right to see it, and so does Rain,” Shotgun said.
Wow, I swear Thatch’s head spun in a circle. He resembled the girl from The Exorcist. “Allegra’s standing in front of you, no memories, bruised to shit, andher skull shavedand scarred, and you want to talk about rights?”
“Thatch…”
“Piss off. Or I’ll have security drag you out. What type of selfish cunt are you?Get the fuck out!”Thatch roared.
“This isn’t over,” Shotgun warned and turned on his heel as I collapsed in pain, holding my head.
Shotgun paused and began to come back. Doctors stopped and shoved him past as Thatch picked me up and carried me to the bed.
Rain
Shotgun had been outside pacing for an hour. He’d been beyond upset when he arrived, so I started cooking dinner. He ran a hand through his hair, a surefire sign he was feelingguilty about something. There was no point in pushing. Shotgun wouldn’t talk until he was ready. He sent a contrite look towards the house, and my gut twisted. The last time I’d seen Shotgun this agitated had been when he wrestled between picking the club or Allegra.
