Except maybe how fucking terrified I was that we wouldn’t make it in time.That my kidney wouldn’t be enough.That I’d failed Brynn for eleven years only to fail her again when it mattered most.
* * *
I dragged my ass back to Brynn’s room, my body one massive ache from the final round of tests.Four hours of being poked, scanned, questioned, and evaluated had left me hollow, like someone had scraped out my insides with a dull spoon.Not to mention lying perfectly still and not breathing only works for so long until you pass out and breathe whether you want to or not.
The psych evaluation had been particularly brutal -- digging through my criminal past, my time in Terre Haute, my life with the club.All I wanted was to check on Brynn, then find the nearest horizontal surface and pass the fuck out.Instead, I walked into a different kind of pain entirely.Lavender sat alone in the dimly lit room, her back to the door, shoulders shaking with silent sobs as she scrolled through photos on her phone.
For a moment, I froze in the doorway.The absence of Brynn’s small form in the hospital bed registered dimly -- she still had another thirty minutes or so before I expected her back -- but the sight of Lavender, so completely broken, knocked the wind from my lungs.
She hadn’t heard me enter.Her fingers trembled as they swiped across the screen, each new image bringing fresh tears.From my angle, I could see birthday candles, a gap-toothed smile, a school play costume with cardboard wings.Moments of Brynn’s life Lavender had saved to remember.
“Lavender,” I said, my voice coming out barely above a whisper.
She startled, nearly dropping the phone as she swiped at her eyes.“Knight, I didn’t hear --” Her voice broke, and she shook her head, unable to maintain the pretense of being OK.Those hazel eyes, swimming with tears, hit me like a physical blow.
I didn’t hesitate.Crossing the room in three strides, I dropped to my knees in front of her chair, ignoring the protest from my aching body.I wrapped my arms around her waist and she collapsed against me, her forehead pressed to my shoulder as sobs wracked her slight form.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped between breaths.“I’m s-supposed to be s-stronger than this.”
“Fuck that,” I murmured against her hair.“You’ve been strong enough for both of you for eleven years.”
I shifted us until my back was against the wall, Lavender half in my lap, my arms tight around her.Her phone lay forgotten on the floor beside us, screen still illuminated with a photo of a younger Brynn blowing out birthday candles, seven or eight maybe, her blue eyes wide with delight.
“That was her ninth birthday,” Lavender said, following my gaze.“We couldn’t afford much, but she wanted a science-themed party.I made that volcano cake myself.”A watery laugh escaped her.“It looked like crap, but she loved it.”
I reached for the phone, cradling it carefully as I looked at the image of my daughter, happy and glowing with life.My throat constricted as I swiped to the next photo.Brynn in a classroom, proudly holding up what looked like a science fair trophy.
“Fifth grade,” Lavender supplied.“She built a working model of a neural network.The judges thought she must have had adult help because the concept was too advanced.”Pride crept into her voice despite the tears.“She didn’t.She just… sees patterns in things.Makes connections nobody else does.”
I grunted softly, not trusting my voice enough to try to speak.My own eyes burned, vision blurring as I swiped through more images.Christmas mornings.Halloween costumes.Everyday moments captured in pixels that I should have witnessed firsthand.
“She has your brain,” Lavender said, her fingers tracing one of the tattoos on my forearm absently.“And your stubbornness.”
A tear escaped, rolling down my cheek and disappearing into my beard before I could catch it.Lavender noticed, reaching up to touch the damp trail it left on my skin.
“I thought I’d lost her today,” she whispered, fresh tears welling in her eyes.“When Dr.Patel sat us down and explained what was happening.I could see it in her face this was bad.”
I tightened my hold on Lavender, my calloused hands gentle as I stroked her hair.Her body felt small and fragile against mine, though I knew better than anyone the steel core beneath her exterior.
“Listen to me,” I said, my voice dropping to that low register I usually reserved for threatening those who crossed the club.Now it carried a different kind of intensity.“We’re not losing her.Not today, not ever.Those fuckers can drain every drop of blood from my body if that’s what it takes.”
Lavender’s hand came up to rest against my chest, directly over my thundering heart.“What if it’s not enough?What if your kidney isn’t compatible after all?What if --”
“It will be,” I cut her off, pouring every ounce of conviction I possessed into those three words.“And if somehow it’s not, we’ll find another way.But Brynn is going to live a long, healthy life.That’s the only acceptable outcome.”
She looked up at me then, her tear-stained face inches from mine.“When did you become so certain about everything?”
“When I found out I had a daughter,” I answered honestly.“When I saw her for the first time.When I realized I had to be worthy of her.I don’t have a choice.Not if I want to earn a place back in your lives.”
Lavender reached up, her fingertips tracing the inked lines of the lavender flower on my neck, the one piece of my old self I’d kept visible through all the changes.
“You wore me on your skin,” she murmured.“Even after everything.”
“You were never far from my thoughts,” I admitted.“Even when I convinced myself letting you go was the right thing to do.”
She settled her head against my chest again, her breathing steadier now.“Tell me about the tests today.”
I exhaled slowly, my hand continuing its gentle stroking of her hair.“Mostly boring medical shit.The psych evaluation was fun.Had to convince some baby-faced therapist that I’m stable enough to donate despite my criminal record and currentassociations.”
