Seren
Steam plumed from Equinox’s broad nose with every powerful exhale. The air was frostbitten, and the steady crunch of fresh snow beneath heavy hooves echoed through the otherwise silent forest.
We had ridden with haste as I fled into the Váracis Erva, but our pace evened out as the distance between Harkin and me grew. I pressed my cold fingers against Equinox’s warm neck—sweat damp and soft—my only comfort in the dark night.
Our path led us south, in the vague direction of Kiaszta Naván. I had considered it once, early on, how I might start a new life in another land. It seemed my only option then, but I could not help the stirring of wrongness in my belly.
“What am I going to do, Quin?”
Equinox maintained a steady sway beneath me.
“Harkin is leading me to my death. These past few months have been a lie, even if neither of us knew it. This path always led to my end…” I tangled my fingers in the reins, squeezed the blood from them until it hurt. “At the beginning of all this… I might have… Fuck, I might have let go. I had nothing, Quin. No family, no friends. Only a wall cemented around my heart, a hindrance of my own making. I had nothing to live for save for the empty husk revenge had hollowed me into. I was so angry for so long, but I want to live now. I want to be the person I was meant to be, and I want to do it with the people I love by my side.”
The horse whinnied in response, and maybe I only wanted to believe she understood me. Maybe she only made a sound against the cold, the pressure of my thighs on her ribs. But maybe she was urging me to make a different choice. To stay.
It was easier than I expected, to spur Equinox back the way we had come, to make the decision to return and fight. I was so Goddesses damned tired of running from myself.
“Let’s go home,” I told her. And I really did feel it, that sense of warmth in the cottage I shared with Harkin. The sense of belonging I had run from for so long. Why had I run from it for so long? “Take me home.”
Equinox threw her head back, mane flying, and we cut through the night. Hoofprints doubled upon themselves as we followed our path north, back through the Váracis Erva and to Harkin.
I found him as the first light of dawn crested the horizon.
We found each other.
He trudged through the snow, trousers wet to his knees, but determined nonetheless. Harkin was speaking before I could get a word in. “I am not taking you to the palace, Ren. I am going to take you somewhere else, somewhere you will be safe.”
“What are you talking about?”
He scrambled for an excuse, and I knew it the moment the lie slipped out. “I have new orders. There is to be an assassination attempt on the king’s life, and Prince Claudian does not wish to put you in harm's way.”
My spine stiffened as I leaned away. “Is that so?”
“Yes,” he breathed.
“No.” I countered, forceful. “I read the letter, Harkin. I know the prince does not wish anythingbutharm upon me. Even if you were telling the truth, Claudian would be keeping his asset safe. He does not care about my wellbeing, only that he can use me to his own ends. Well, I won’t go without a fight. I have made my decision. I'm going to the palace.”
I did not breathe for one, two, three beats of my wavering heart. Harkin's eyes squeezed shut, and his fingers turned white as he gripped the reins too tightly.
He looked up at me from Equinox’s side. “Ren, please. I need you to listen to me.”
“No, Harkin.Youneed to listen. I am done running from my fate. I will come face to face with Prince Claudian, and the cards will fall where they may. I will not lie down to die at his feet. I will use what you taught me to fight back, if I must, but I willnotrun.” My voice was steely with resolve.
“I am trying to protect you!” Harkin was yelling, suddenly—though I didn’t think he meant to be. His eyes were wild with a kind of overwhelmed panic.
“You said I didn’t need protection! You said I did not need you to save me. Those were your words!” I fired back, angry tears welling in my mismatched eyes. I leaned down over Quin’s shoulder so I faced him fully. My fingers gripped the fabric of his tunic, but I hardly noticed, lost to my emotions.
“I—” Harkin tried to come up with the words to defend himself, but there were none, and we both knew it. He had said those things, and he had meant them. I had never needed him.
He pulled me from the saddle, and I slid to the ground beside him. His head dropped to my shoulder. My throat tightened, and my lashes fluttered. Harkin’s nose brushed my collarbone, and he inhaled against me. I thought I heard the wordshoneyandsteelon a whispered breath. “Goddesses, you’re right. I apologize.”
He moved away after a moment, pushing hair back from his forehead and looking anywhere but at my face.
My grip on him loosened, my hands pulled away. “I thought we were beyond lying to each other. I have expected honesty from you. You knew that, and yet you lied to me anyway. I understand that you think you were protecting me, but you weren’t. I am only unsafe if I do not know all of the details. I cannot protect myself if you tell me stories and half truths.”
Those words gutted Harkin more efficiently and painfully than any sword could have. I knew he was afraid—it was written plainly on his anguished face—but in his fear, he had reverted back to his old ways. Harkin intended to lie to me and manipulate me to get what he wanted.
“I think I left the letter for you to find on purpose. I wanted you to read the words I could not bear to utter aloud. Even now, lies still swell in my throat, and Goddesses, I have tried to stop them. I have tried, but I’m not perfect, Ren. I fail too. I’m sorry that I failed you.” Harkin spoke with a note of desperation in his voice. “What would you have me do?”
