‘It wasn’t the perfect place I thought it was going to be. A lot of hearing students who weren’t fluent were in my classes. A lot of—’ He stops, then spells the next word. ‘ELITISM.’
I see that word and nod. I get it. From my short time in the community, I’ve heard about the Deaf elite, how they are the ones with the education, achievements, and social connections to give them influence in the community.
And at the same time, they can make others feel small.
‘I didn’t grow up in a Deaf home with Deaf family. My dad is hearing.’
I had no idea. I nod for him to go on.
‘When I got there, I was one of many Deaf. Not special. Not that good-looking.’
I almost choke to death on my rice. ‘Wait,’ I sign with one hand, then swallow and set my plate to the side. ‘You weren’t good-looking?You?’
He flushes over the apples of his cheeksand shrugs. ‘I was small. Skinny.’ He describes his body with his hands. ‘I was a nerd.’
I can picture this. For all his posturing, he’s still totally nerdy. But it’s hot. It works for him. And even if he lost all his muscle and ended up the man he once was, he’d still be beautiful.
‘When I got my first boyfriend, he was hearing. He was so good-looking. In a fraternity. Played sports. I don’t know why he wanted me.’
I stare at his face and hands, watching them move through his story. There’s a slight tremble to his fingers that tells me his old past pain is still a little raw. ‘What was his name?’
He grimaces. ‘John.’
Uhg. Theworstname. ‘Fuck John.’
He bursts into laughter and nods. ‘Yeah.’
‘What did he do?’
‘Dating me was a game for him. He would talk to his hearing friends when I couldn’t see his lips. He would make fun of me. Cheated on me. Would have phone sex while I was in the same room as him. I didn’t realize for a long time. I felt so foolish.’
I want to pounce on him and weigh him down with the comfort of my body, but I know that’s not the right move.
‘That’s why you chose not to date hearing men.’
He shrugs, then nods. ‘Yes. Better. Safer.’
I want to argue, but I’ve seen it a hundred times now that Thom has brought Robbie and his friends into my life. Even though I hate it, I get it. Everyone, like Rome, has had to deal with it in some way.
‘Want to go visit him? We can put raw shrimp in his vents.’
Rome laughs, softer this time. ‘No. I don’t think about him much anymore.’
I can tell that’s not entirely true. Not when he’s let the memory of John dictate his dating life for years. When he let the ghost of John tell him I was bad for him and not worth dating, simply because I was hearing.
I bite my lip. ‘Is that why you and Robbie were fucking?’ His expression shifts, and his shoulders tighten. ‘And why you hate my brother?’
He squirms in his seat. ‘I love Robbie.’ My heart tenses, a crack forming at the seams. ‘No. No. I mean, I’m not in love with Robbie. Never was. I lied to myself because it was easier that way. Thinking I was in love with Robbie meant no one else could hurt me. I was safe.’
My brows meet in confusion because that is never how I’ve lived my life. Even when Lexi and I broke up, she was still my best friend. Actually, come to think of it, most of my exes are my friends. Even the ones who hurt me. And none of them ever stopped me from wanting something more.
Rome stares at me for a long beat. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you before. I was angry at myself for wanting you, and I took it out on you. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. I like you. I want you to be mine.’
I feel something in me—like a wire snapping. My shoulders sag, and before I can slump back, Rome has me. He gathers me into his lap, holding me by the face, and locks eyes with me.
There’s something here. Something big. Something important. It feels almost forbidden. At the very least, too fucking soon. My lips and hands won’t form those three little words I want to say to him.
This is the first time Rome has ever laid himself open for me like this. It’s the first time he’s been honest without me having to convince or bribe him. I will not ruin it by asking for more.
