I take that as my sign to roll off him, and we lie there, our gazes on the ceiling, words unsaid and unsigned. I mean, really, what is there left to say after all that? He was my first, and he just saw me at my most vulnerable.
If he regrets this, it might ruin me. I want to stay silent, to preserve this moment before any of the bad shit happens, but I know I can’t.
We also fucked without a condom, and I need to know if that’s a problem. Not just for him, but for me.
Rolling over, I snag my phone out from my jeans pocket and start to type, watching as Rome moves his hand between his legs, his finger probing at his ass. He swipes his fingers through the cum now leaking out of him before rubbing it into my sheets.
Fuck, that’s hot.
I want to keep staring at him. Hell, I want to take a picture to keep this moment forever, but I don’t. Instead, I type out the question on my phone and hold it toward him.
Me: You been tested?
His eyes flick to it, and he nods and signs slowly, mouthing along, ‘Yes. Test result negative. You?’
I nod my fist, then work hard to spell, ‘PrEP.’
‘Same.’ He lets out a small sigh of relief, and I do the same, relaxing back against the pillow as my breath becomes a heavy weight in my chest.
Does that mean next round we can go just like that again? Because that felt fucking wonderful. It filled a desire in me I hadn’t even realized I’d had until him.
I turn to ask him, but he’s already rolling up to sit, a wince on his face.
Shit, did I hurt him? I want to ask, but before I can even attempt to form signs, he’s on his feet, hobbling toward the bathroom door. I open my mouth to call after him before realizing that would be pointless, and I sag back again as I watch him disappear into the bathroom and close the door.
The lock clicks.
This feels strange and awkward. I’ve never known what to do after hookups like this, which is why I tend to avoid them. Is it the same with a man? Should I get up and fetch him something to drink or something to eat? I would, but I’m scared to move from the bed. What if I do, and he takes that as his sign to leave? What if he sees it as some kind of rejection?
It would be easier if I could talk to him—if I was further along in ASL—but I’m not.
I have no idea what to do when the bathroom door opens and he appears, walking toward the bed with his gait slightly sideways. For a moment, I hold my breath, waiting to see if he’s going to get his clothes and bail, but he doesn’t.
He slides beneath the covers and flops onto his back, staring at me without a word on his lips or hands.
I want to stay silent too, but I can’t ignore the feeling in mychest. This is all so fucking complicated. This is worse than when Thom started sleeping with Robbie because I’m so much further behind, struggling with the language, and Rome obviously has zero patience for that.
But I can’t ignore the way he makes me feel. Like this thing between us means something. Or…that it can mean something. It’s never been like that with a woman before, and I don’t want to let it go.
Not without giving us a chance to try.
When he tenses like he’s going to get up and go, I tap his shoulder. It takes him a moment and a heavy sigh before he rolls his head toward me, his eyebrows high up on his forehead like he’s asking, ‘What?’
I lick my lips, then search my vocabulary for what I want to ask him. ‘Stay. Tonight.’
He blinks at me.
‘Tomorrow again.’ I hope to god he’s understanding my meaning.
He swallows heavily, still staring.
In for a penny, I think. I’m going to put it all out there. ‘I sign no-good.’
He laughs and rolls his eyes with a scoff.
‘I know,’ I add when he looks at me again. ‘But me learning.’ My hands shake a little as I work through the next thing I want to say. ‘Me-hate-you.’
His eyes go wide with shock, and then he shakes his head and spells on his hand, ‘LIKE?’
