He sighs but drops it. I know Harper so well I can read every inch of movement in his face, the way the crinkles around his eyes scrunch as he scrutinises my decision to push him away again. The disappointment that flickers in his eyes before he turns to his husband, seeking reassurance, which of course he gets in the form of a kiss to his forehead, and the shining beam of loving attention.
We hardly speak for the rest of the evening. I hate that I’m probably triggering the abandonment issues he’s worked so hard to overcome when I don’t let him be a part of my life anymore. It’s the last thing I want him to feel today. I wish I could hide it better.
I mingle with Cole and Ash and we share memories of the newlyweds over the last few years, before Harper and Kian join us again.
‘Look at you two,’ Ash says with a sigh, his arms wrapped around the woman I’ve come to learn is his childhood sweetheart. Neither of them is wearing a ring so I assume they aren’t married or even engaged. ‘Some days I still can’t believe it.’
‘Well, now there’s no going back. He’s stuck with me.’ Harper’s hanging on to Kian’s arm, eyes a little hazy from one too many beers, but it’s nothing compared to how he used to be.
‘Like herpes, it seems,’ Elijah jokes as he approaches us, his wife and kids long since having gone back to the hotel.
Everyone laughs and I allow myself to get caught up in it and laugh, too, because he’s not wrong at all.
‘I do have a question, though,’ Elijah says. ‘Was doing it like this, so quick and secretive, worth it now you have no wedding gifts?’
‘I already have the best gift of all,’ Kian replies, tugging Harper closer to him. They look ridiculously good together, like a proper power couple, and them being married will only make that stronger now.
Elijah, Cole and Ash all gag on cue and Kian flips them off but is quickly distracted by movement behind me.
‘Oh, there he is,’ Kian says with a smirk looking right over my shoulder. ‘What time do you call this, mate?’
I don’t even have to turn around to know who he’s speaking to. I have the sound of his footsteps ingrained in mymind and the scent of his Burberry cologne infiltrates my nostrils and leaves the hairs on my arms upright.
‘It was you who decided to get married the day after one of the busiest races of the year for the team, especially after your husband decided to win the damn race,’ he says.
And then he walks past me like I’m not even here.
Instead, he goes straight in for a proper hug with Kian and then a half hug with Harper who looks more than ready to drag his husband away from the reception.
It’s like I don’t exist. How is he able to make me feel like I don’t exist at my best-friend’s wedding?
Eventually, he turns away from the pair and shakes hands with Elijah, then Cole, then Ash before offering me a polite hello. This is insane. This is the man I share a bed with, the man I share my body with. The only person I’ve ever fallen in love with. The guy I thought was my future. And he’s treating me like I’m nothing more than an addition to this little Hendersohm group.
There’s a childlike tantrum waiting to erupt inside me. I want to stamp my feet and demand he acknowledges me. Iwant to demand he takes my hand, kisses my cheek and holds me like the other couples around us.
And then suddenly, it’s all just too much. I’ve let this go on for far too long. We need to talk.
‘Excuse me.’ I pat Harper’s shoulder as I step out of the little circle we’ve formed and head towards the front of the marquee. I need air. Or another drink. Or both. But mostly Ijust need to be away from all of… that.
Not even the sharp air of a chilly summer night can stun me out of the way I’m feeling. I’m all over the place. Maybe I should have been pushier. Maybe I should have made it clear Ineeded a public relationship, but I thought it would come eventually. I thought I just had to be patient and let him go public on his own terms, but I’m not sure he’s even trying.
Now we’re over two-and-a-half years in and we have nothing to show for it. We don’t own anything together, no house or car or even a sofa. There’s no engagement on the horizon, no marriage, no talks of a family in the future. I can’t even remember the last time he told me he loved me. And as far as I know, not one single person even knows we are together.
How did I get this so wrong?
Footsteps on the gravel behind me almost have me ducking behind the marquee, but before I can hide Jackson is calling my name.
‘Oh, so now you want to talk to me?’ I’m aware I sound like a petulant child, but I am no longer capable of hiding how I feel.
‘Jo, come on.’
‘No, not come on, Jackson. I’m aware you don’t want to be my boyfriend around our closest friends but you’re so cold I was basically iced out of the circle.’ My voice is rising and he shushes me, which only makes things worse. ‘Don’t fucking shush me, right? Who the fuck do you think you are right now?’
‘I just want to talk, Jo, that’s all.’ For a conversation he doesn’t want anyone to overhear, he’s standing awfully far away from me. It’s like he can’t bear to be physically close to me.
There was a time when this was exciting. We were a secret moment in a crowded room, a lingering glance amongst a group of friends and no one knew but us. Sneaking around was exhilarating and it made getting each other alone even more thrilling.
Now the air between us hangs stale. He can’t even look me in the eye, and it makes the secret feel dirty. And not in a good way.
