I pace the pavement as I consider what I’m going to tell Harper as to why I’m not going to show, never mind how I’m going to explain to Caleb why I’ve asked him to come and get me.
I’ve already received three messages from Harper asking where I am and how long I’m going to be, and then eight messages that consist solely of a series of question marks.
I start typing but then delete the message and start again. I delete that too, and before I can start a third attempt, Caleb pulls up beside me and rolls down the window.
‘Get in,’ he says.
I do, and he pulls away immediately.
‘You don’t look like you’re dressed for a run, so what’s the plan?’
I don’t have one. I can’t even begin to think of one. ‘I don’t know. Can we just drive?’
I let out a long, slow breath. I run through every nightmare scenario that could have happened if Caleb’s text had arrived just a few seconds later.
It’s not fair that Harper’s caught in the middle. It’s not fair that I can’t talk about this with anyone. It’s not fair that Jackson gets to move on, seemingly untouched by our break-up. It’s the stress of the job that’s been getting him down, not dumping me. He was in there laughing and joking– completely unbothered by the prospect of spending an evening with me, while I was frozen to the spot, desperately swallowing down acidic bile at just the sight of him.
The motion of the car moving through stop-start traffic isn’t helping my stomach.
I can’t be sick in the car in front of Caleb. That would be truly awful for both of us.
I bend forwards and drop my head between my legs to stop the anxious waves of nausea that keep hitting me. It’s not an easy position to maintain for a man over six-foot tall, but it’s worth it when the churning in my stomach starts to ease. When I can finally sit upright again, Caleb’s pulling into a parking spot next to the beach.
I’m out of the car before Caleb has even fully put it into park. I rip off my socks and shoes and jog along the beach a little way, enjoying the cool breeze of an early September sunset.
I face the sea and scream out my pain and frustration, scaring a flock of birds. When I feel hollow and empty, I drop to the sand, roll onto my back and close my eyes.
Caleb collapses beside me. I open my eyes to see him placing my socks and shoes by his side, then carefully removing his own.
Eventually, I am able to catch my breath and sit up.
‘What’s going on, Jo?’ he asks gently.
Where do I even start?
‘I just… it’s been an evening. I was about to walk in there and have dinner with my ex but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go in.’
There. That doesn’t give too much away.
‘Oh. Wow. Yeah. That’s a lot.’
My hands are still shaking a little as I brush sand off my shirt.
‘Then you texted and I panicked and ran away. I’m over him, but like, fuck, he seriously messed me up.’
Caleb brushes sand off my back, and the motion is soothing.
‘It’s why I overreacted when you… you know… the other night. In my apartment. In London.’ As if there could be any other night.
His sand-brushing turns into gentle circles on my back, and I feel my body letting go of the hurt. I relax into his touch and then his arms are around me and he’s holding me and for the first time since I answered the phone to Harper, my breathing feels steady, my heart stops racing, and my brain stills.
It doesn’t fix any of my problems, but it does make me feel less strung out. Caleb doesn’t push any harder for information and I’m grateful, because there aren’t any words for this fucked-up situation. He’s the most calming person in the world, I think, as I feel his peaceful energy sink into my bones. We sit there like that, watching the moon rise and the sky turn a deep shade of purple, until the air bites at my skin through my sheer shirt. I shiver and Caleb unzips his jacket and drapes it over my shoulders.
This is what it’s supposed to feel like, I realise. Love. Not the stomach-churning uncertainty and self-doubt that Jackson convinced me was the thrill of a forbidden affair. It’s perfect contentment in the arms of another while the world and its problems rage around you.
ChapterEighteen
Caleb
