‘Oh, before I leave you to it. I stepped out to FaceTime with Kian before I spotted you. He reminded me the new farm shop he’s opening with his brother-in-law is launching in just over a week and he could do with a few high-profile guests to make a splash. I’ve asked Jo and Nils, obviously, but thought you might like to come? Cole and Ash will be there, too.’
I should say no. I don’t need to be seeing Johannes any more during the summer break, but this is what I wanted, right? At the start of the season, when I felt alone and envious of the friendships other people seemed to have developed. I was dying for friends who got what this world was like. That’s what this group is. It’s perfect, and I actually really like being a part of it. But neither me nor Johannes can afford a repeat of the other night. Not when things have finally started to go right.
‘I’m heading back to the States for a couple of weeks,’ I say, ‘before we all go to Monaco. Otherwise, I won’t see my family again till Christmas.’
Harper is so easy-going he doesn’t even seem to notice the rejection.
‘No worries, man. I get that. Family’s important.’ I nod along with him to show understanding, but I’m already wishing I could take it back and accept the invitation. ‘Enjoy the break.’ He offers me his hand and then pulls me into a full-blown bro hug, before disappearing back to the Hendersohm garage.
I’m proud of myself for staying strong, but just in case I’m less strong later, I pull out my phone and buy a ticket home for the Friday evening after we finish the week at the factory. Then there will be no excuse to spend any time with Johannes. And by the time we meet again in Monaco, that night will be long forgotten.
I have to laugh as I make my way back to the villa because at this point, I’m not even convincing myself.
ChapterFifteen
Johannes
It’s the first time I’ve been back to the penthouse in London since that awkward morning with Caleb. It’s so quiet, but my ears ring with the echoes of Caleb laughing at my jokes, singing out of tune to country music, and explaining the statistical method of his PhD research.
It’s disorientating and probably why I can’t take it for more than a few days. I invite myself to stay with Harper and Kian for the rest of the time. I’m sure Harper was surprised by my request but he doesn’t pry. He puts me up in the guest room, which is still as beautiful as ever. I can’t believe that Kian gutted and redecorated this place mostly on his own. It’s now the perfect home for them and I know they already have plans to extend the cottage to prepare for when they have kids.
I take lots of long walks to give Kian and Harper the privacy they probably thought they were going to have over the summer break. Not that it’s a hardship– the land they live on is gorgeous. I even select my favourite sheep– Elise tells me her name is Bonnie– and I always look out for her in the field.
I cook for Harper and Kian every night as a way of saying thank you. Some nights I cook up at Elise’s for the whole of the Walker crew. It’s literally the least I can do.
‘I forgot you can cook like that,’ Harper says on a night when it’s just the three of us in the cottage. Kian fully leans back in his chair, hands rubbing his stomach like he’s an old man with a beer gut.
‘Yeah, I guess it’s been a while.’ I too am completely stuffed and know I’m going to need a big old run tomorrow morning. For some reason they just don’t hit the same anymore, now that I’m doing them on my own again.
‘I’m so glad you two are leaving tomorrow. I need to get back to eating salmon and salad,’ Kian says with a groan. ‘Jo, you’re gonna make a great house husband one day.’
‘I can’t believe you didn’t cook for me like that all the time when we lived together,’ Harper says, mock-petulant.
I roll my eyes.
‘It was a different time,’ I say, and it makes me feel a hundred years old.
‘Sure was,’ says Harper, eyeing his handsome husband. Kian puts his hand on Harper’s thigh and squeezes.
I see the look they exchange and say quickly, ‘I’m gonna head out for a walk and ring my folks. Harper did you sort the car for six?’ We’re annoyingly on a 10 a.m. flight to Monaco from Stansted, which is a bit of a drive.
‘Kian booked it.’ Of course he did. I shouldn’t be surprised.
Harper doesn’t even wait for me to get my trainers on before he pulls Kian towards the bedroom. I hear them shriek and laugh as they tear each other’s clothes off, and while I’m happy for him, I’m also insanely jealous of everything he has here.
I want what he has, but I want it with?—
I don’t let myself finish the sentence.
* * *
I’m kind of glad when we land in Monaco and it’s just the guys. I don’t want to be reminded of everything I want but don’t have. And then in walks Caleb and he is everything I want but can’t have.
Fuck.
For the first couple of days, we’re very good about keeping our distance. He’s just… one of the guys. We go running together every morning, we play games in the pool with the other guys, we eat good food and drink expensive wine. We joke and talk and laugh like nothing ever happened between us, but the truth bubbles beneath the surface. Every day, the pressure builds, but we pretend not to notice. Fans snap pictures of us when we’re all out together, and I’m reminded of why I don’t have a place here like some of the other drivers.
Every day, Caleb’s pale skin gets a little more sunkissed. Every day, another freckle pops out on his face. When we’re all relaxing in the evenings, I like to make a mental note of each new one that appears. It’s harmless, I tell myself. Completely harmless.
