I couldn’t hold back the laugh-snort. “Yeah, but mostly for hurting me. He said he reserved the right to kick your ass. I told him you were a center at Rideau and that he’d probably lose, but that didn’t seem to deter him.”
Nils cringed. “He has every right to.”
“So you’d let him win? Hypothetically?”
Nils only hesitated for a moment. “No, but I’d allow him a graceful loss.”
I snorted. “That’s good enough for me.” Then I sobered again. “But his reaction to you being my coach made me realize that’s a bigger problem than I had thought initially, and now that I know you’re a prince, even more so.”
His shoulders dipped. “Yes, I know. If anyone finds out about us, about any of this, I’d lose my job and it could have consequences for you as well.”
That was exactly the conclusion I had come to as well. “If this story breaks, it’s not just ‘coach dates player.’ It’s ‘Secret Swedish Prince in Inappropriate Relationship with Student.’ That’s international news, Nils. That’s the end of both our careers.”
He sank onto the couch, head in his hands. “I know. God, I know. I’ve been thinking about nothing else.”
“Have you thought about what happens when Coach Brennan finds out you’ve been lying to him too? Not just about us, but about who you are?”
“Every day.”
“And?”
“And I don’t have answers. I’m trapped between lies I can’t undo and truths I can’t tell.”
I stood opposite him, maintaining distance even though every instinct wanted to close the gap. “Your letter said you love me.”
His head snapped up. “I do.”
“I…” The words stuck in my throat. “That’s a big word.”
The ghost of a smile played on his lips. “It’s a big feeling.”
“I don’t know if I?—”
“I’m not expecting you to say it back.”
Nils interrupting me was so rare that I blinked. “Well, that’s good, because I won’t. Not now. I have too many feelings right now to trust myself to label them, and I don’t want to say something as important as that and not mean it.”
His eyes softened. “I understand.”
I finally sat down as well, that endless restless energy in my body seeping out. “So what do we do?”
He slowly nodded. “I will talk to Coach Brennan. He deserves to know the truth about my identity. As long as he knows, that part should be covered.”
He was right. That did solve one problem, but not the biggest one. “And what about us?”
Nils’s eyes were practically begging. “Is there still an ‘us’?”
And looking at him, seeing the pain and the hope and yes, the love, in those gorgeous blue eyes, the answer that had eluded me for days came. “Yes. I want there to be. But not at the cost of my chances of making it to the NHL.”
“I wouldn’t even allow it. Your dreams come first, Adan. They always will.”
“So where does that leave us?”
He was quiet for a long time, and when he spoke again, his voice was stuffed with emotions. “It’s November, which means it’s seven more months till the end of my contract. Seven months for us to work together to get you to the NHL. Seven months where we have to focus on the end goal and let nothing jeopardize that.”
I knew where he was going with this. “Seven months.” My voice was hollow. “You want us to pretend we don’t feel what we feel for seven months?”
“I want us to protect ourselves. Both of us. Your future in hockey, my job and reputation.”
