“Yeah,” I say. “Probably just got held up. Might’ve met up with a friend for a bit.”
She looked at me, her eyes questioning, with a hidden fear sitting behind them. “Are you gonna go look for her?”
I hesitated. I knew that if I didn’t, Danny would surely drag me out for another forceful talking to.
I didn’t want to leave her, not with him downstairs. But if Mum’s lying in some alley, high out of her fucking mind, or if she got picked up by some creep who decided not to pay, then I can’t just sit here. I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve peeled her off the pavement. Why would this time be any different?
“Yeah,” I say finally. “I need to check.” She frowns, her hands curling around the crisp packet, the worry deepening behind her eyes. “I’ll be back before it’s dark.”
Mum liked to work mainly on the other side of the bridge, where it’s filled with posh fuckers who don’t know what struggling is. “Push stuff against the door when I go, yeah?”
She nods, tucking her knees up towards her chest.
“You’re the boss while I’m gone,” I said. “If Danny comes up here causing shit, you scream loud. Scream loud enough to bring the roof down, alright?”
She salutes me with crisp-dusted fingers. “Captain Squeeks, defending the fortress.”
I grin despite myself. She’s brave, braver than me half the time. I bumped my fist against hers, then slipped out, every step down the stairs silent. Danny’s still glued to the Telly, eyes glazed, smoke curling around his head like fog. I’m just a shadow passing through. Out the front door and into the cold. The streetlights flickered to life as evening descended. I stuff my hands in my pockets, hunch my shoulders against my chest, and head into the fading light, hoping I find her before the dark overtakes me.
The streets feel different at night, filled with parasitic zombies who hide from the sun. Streetlight pooled on the pavement in broken, flickering yellow circles. I walk through them quietly, head down, hood up with just tendrils of my red hair poking out,my hands shoved deep in my pockets as if I might find warmth in there.
I know where to check first. Past the chip shop with the smashed CCTV sign that no one has fixed. Past the bus stop where the junkies gather, nodding off or scratching at their arms. One of them looks up as I pass, a hollow-eyed woman with no shoes and missing teeth. “You got a light?” she croaks, reaching out. I shake my head, dodging her grasp.
The corner under the bridge is the first proper spot. A man was pissing against the wall, struggling to stand straight. Two girls were smoking and laughing too loudly in heels that they couldn’t walk in, one of them wearing a leopard-print jacket. I stopped for a second, taking in her movements, hoping it was Mum, but it wasn’t. She was too tall, and her laugh sounded too alive. So, I moved on.
My feet had entered some kind of autopilot mode. Past the alley behind the kebab shop where Mum once came out with blood on her lip and money clutched in her fist, like that shit was normal.
I checked the park next, if you can call it that. It’s mostly mud and a couple of swings with chains that rattle in the wind. I’d bring Squeeks here sometimes, when things get too much at home or if Danny’s mates started looking at her in a particular way.
A figure was slumped on the bench under a ratty blanket. I moved closer as my breath tightened in my chest. But it wasn’t her. Just a man, mouth wide open and out cold, a bottle cradled like a baby in his lap. The temptation to take the bottle was high, but I kept walking.
Every face I passed, I studied for too long, hoping something familiar would click. I pulled my hood tighter around my face to keep out the cold. My trainers were soaked, and I could feel the ache in my legs now, the way it crept into my bones. But Icouldn’t go home. Not yet. Not while there’s still a chance she’s out here somewhere, lost or hurt or just… needing to be found.
CHAPTER 4
Iwanted to give up. I was fucking freezing. My breath spilt into the night, legs heavy, dragging like dead weights. I brought my hand out of my pocket, stretching out my fingers as they had gone stiff from the cold. I’d checked all her usual haunts and still couldn’t find her. My thoughts drifted to Squeeks, and I hoped she was still safe in the bedroom. Probably fast asleep by now, tucked into one of my hoodies no doubt.
Across the road, near the abandoned garage with the smashed-out windows, under the flicker of a dying streetlamp. One guy slouched against the brick wall: the other, a woman, leaning into him, swaying a little. I knew that coat before I saw her face. Mum.
I crossed fast, not thinking of what I was about to walk into. Her laughter sounded out into the street. The guy, had a shaved head and stood twice my size, with arms full of tattoos. His eyes were glossy, pupils like pinpricks, drooling over her. My stomach still twisted every time I saw her in these situations.
“Mum,” I murmured. She ignored my call out, so I raised my voice, “Mum!”
She turned slowly. Mascara smeared under her eyes; her lipstick smudged. I could see her eyes dull towards me. After all, I was part of the regretful past she’d rather forget.
She slurred, “What’re you doin’ out?”
“You didn’t come home,” I replied. “Danny's waitin’. I’ve been lookin’ for you for ages.”
She blinked as if the words weren’t quite landing, her brain probably too fogged with whatever drug she’d managed to score from this loser.
“I was… I was comin’. Just got a little… tied up.” Setting off into a childish giggle. The guy stepped forward, a puff of something nasty trailing from his mouth. He looked me up and down like I was a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe. I was becoming accustomed to people looking at me that way.
“This your brat?” He asked, his voice rough and mocking. “Looks like a rat, if you ask me.”
Mum sniggered, “He’s just a kid, he’s fine.” Stepping forward and placing a hesitant hand upon his chest.
“Doesn’t look fine,” the man growled, stepping closer, his shoulders squaring. “Looks like he’s interruptin’ my night.” I didn’t back down, even as he towered over me, my pulse climbing into my throat.
